my h would do everything i asked for and more - but no matter how profusely i said thanks to him he never felt that i appreciated it. NOW i understand why - i didn't show him appreciation in HIS love language - i did it in mine.
so i think doing the 180's applies here still. and you need to find the LL that he can hear your appreciation in. maybe you have to try each of the 5 out one at a time for a few weeks each to see if any of them makes the difference.
This made me pause. I think you are right that I've been showing him affirmation/appreciation in my LL instead of his. I have the 5 LL downloaded to my Nook. Guess that's my required reading for this week.
Originally Posted By: zig
I feel like a failure for not being able to fix this. Which brings up feelings of never being able to do anything right according to my mother
this is more disturbing to me - are you still in fixer mode? how much do you believe that you have truly resolved your own inner issues, from a long time ago?
the dynamics and the patterns between the 2 of you cannot truly change until one person takes the real steps. if you have unresolved issues - you need to address them, because it will totally change your emotional mindset, and then you can change the dynamics between the 2 of you. and once you change your energy, the pattern has to shift (((((( ))))))) zig
I've been really trying to stay away from the fixer role. Because that's where I live. H even said so last night. But please don't be disturbed. It really just boils down to mother issues. I spent a year in therapy working through most of them. I am better than I used to be, but things still come up. I spent every day for the first 18 years of my life trying to be good enough for my mother. When I got married, the need to be perfect was transferred there. Little did I know that by doing that I was actually shutting my H out. And here we are as a result.
