IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[chatterbug]

4 miles today bill.

Good PMA on that run. Listened to the queen jazz album.

[MrBond]

I agree with Denver. See it's possible to establish a boundary without threatening to expose or a D. That's what I've been trying to explain to you.

[breakdownbill]

Whoa, got loads of posts to reply to.. gonna try & get back to everyone tonight.

Arsene, I'm going to reply to you first

It's always a personal choice and no one should be made to feel like they are a doormat for sticking with the techniques prescribed by MWD.

I think there's alot to read into this statement, firstly I agree with you completely that this is your sitch & no matter what advice or intentions people have on here, ultimately it's YOU who has to live with the consequences of whatever plan you follow.

The part I've highlighted in bold sounds like you feel that the feedback you've been getting from some people on here (myself included) is making you out to be a doormat.

What you've got to remember about people's advice and criticism on here, is that is offered, but noone has to take it if they don't want to. Everybody's input is based largely on their own personal experience, to quote Morrissey,

How can anybody possibly say they know how I feel? When they are they and only I am I

The biggest difference to your sitch that makes it unique from other threads that I am aware of is the issue of your residency and contact with your D8 reliant on your W. That is a huge weight on your shoulders that only you know how much it influences your decisions in dealing with your sitch.

You have more to lose than just your marriage here, your R with your daughter, being in her life, being her dad is also in the balance.

I wish you the best Arsene & hope it works out for you, no matter how you approach busting your divorce.

Trust your instincts & your gut when you are in doubt, let the advice you get here inform your choices not influence them.

Take care chief

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hey Denver & Mr Bond

This is something I do need help with - setting boundaries.

You can take a tougher approach, you can set boundaries, without filing for a divorce.

Some of the things that I would like my W to do in no particular order.

Wear her rings again

Stop dancing with the OM & any other contact with them

Stop shutting out my parents & my family from her life

Make a commitment to work on our M

Now all of these listed are things that I would have thought needed to be done by choice by my W instead of boundaries, if anyone wanted to chip in with possible boundaries & how to enforce them for these things or other things I've mentioned in the past I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks Bill

[MrBond]

"Wear her rings again"

Stop dancing with the OM & any other contact with them

Stop shutting out my parents & my family from her life

Make a commitment to work on our M"

I think you're getting things mixed up. These aren't boundaries. In fact, these are things that you CAN'T control. These have to be conscience choices made by your W. Especially the rings and the family issue. You can't demand her put on her rings and you definitely can't force her to like your family. There is free will involved.

[breakdownbill]

Hi Chatter

This made me think

So 10 months in.... Do you think you need to say it again. Or do you think that you need to just work through your thoughts and act upon your decisions?

I asked myself if I wanted to file now & I couldn't commit to it. As far as I have come towards this possibility I'm not quite there yet.

I know what I'm doing in terms of fixing myself & this is a work in progress, which keeps having things added to it.

I think I'll know how much more I can take of this behaviour from my W, when I know. Right now I'm not ready to file and I'm focused on my kids, me & my studies.

I will put my plan D on hold, in terms of timeline, but make steps to have it in place.

I'm looking forward to GALing a load more & starting this course is going to be great for my PMA.

Had my first day in a school today on my preliminary attachment before I started my course and it went really well. I can't wait to get stuck in & actually teach.

I don't think I'm gonna get my 1st run in until Wednesday with how my week is mapped out, getting 4.5 miles in today is a great start to the week though Chatter

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bond

Yeah that's why I said straight after listing these things

Now all of these listed are things that I would have thought needed to be done by choice by my W instead of boundaries,

You are quite right they are all made by choice and free will, what things did you have in mind that I could enfore boundaries on?

[MrBond]

First of all, what are your goals? The short term ones.

For example, if your GOAL is to have your W go out with you for coffee, one on one, what are you going to do to achieve it?

Eventually you can make your goal for her to wear her rings.

In terms of boundaries, what are the things that you can't tolerate? State them. Then you don't encourage that behavior. Say you won't XXXX if your W continues to go out with OM. Like if you're paying for the class, tell her you won't be doing it any longer with your family's money. She can do whatever she wants, but you are not going to let it be a part of your life.

Things like that are enforcable boundaries. You don't need to threaten D.

[Denver_2010]

First of all, what are your goals? The short term ones.

For example, if your GOAL is to have your W go out with you for coffee, one on one, what are you going to do to achieve it?

Eventually you can make your goal for her to wear her rings.

In terms of boundaries, what are the things that you can't tolerate? State them. Then you don't encourage that behavior. Say you won't XXXX if your W continues to go out with OM. Like if you're paying for the class, tell her you won't be doing it any longer with your family's money. She can do whatever she wants, but you are not going to let it be a part of your life.

Things like that are enforcable boundaries. You don't need to threaten D.

Absolutely agree with Bond.

Boundaries are things that YOU can control. Example, "I won't be a part of your life as long as you are dancing in that class and/or having any contact with OM."

THAT is a boundary that you can put in place and YOU can enforce.

"I want my W to put her rings back on" ... that is a goal for you, but only your W can make that choice.

See the difference?

[Arsene]

It's always a personal choice and no one should be made to feel like they are a doormat for sticking with the techniques prescribed by MWD.

I think there's alot to read into this statement, firstly I agree with you completely that this is your sitch & no matter what advice or intentions people have on here, ultimately it's YOU who has to live with the consequences of whatever plan you follow.

The part I've highlighted in bold sounds like you feel that the feedback you've been getting from some people on here (myself included) is making you out to be a doormat.


Perhaps it's because I do feel like one at times mate. Sorry if I got defensive. Like everyone around here I'm going through a lot and I'm never sure if I'm using my head or simply following my heart.

What you've got to remember about people's advice and criticism on here, is that is offered, but noone has to take it if they don't want to. Everybody's input is based largely on their own personal experience, to quote Morrissey,

How can anybody possibly say they know how I feel? When they are they and only I am I

I know. I realise this. Probably a bit insecure these days. It feels like I'm getting criticized from all directions. Apologies are in order. Sorry folks. Thanks for trying to help. - Good quote!

The biggest difference to your sitch that makes it unique from other threads that I am aware of is the issue of your residency and contact with your D8 reliant on your W. That is a huge weight on your shoulders that only you know how much it influences your decisions in dealing with your sitch.

You have more to lose than just your marriage here, your R with your daughter, being in her life, being her dad is also in the balance.


It is one of the biggest issues I'm struggling with. That's why keeping the peace sounds pretty good right now, at least until I'm in a better strategic position.

I wish you the best Arsene & hope it works out for you, no matter how you approach busting your divorce.

Trust your instincts & your gut when you are in doubt, let the advice you get here inform your choices not influence them.

Take care chief

Bill

Thanks Bill.