He said he would sit and think of ways to make me happy and nothing ever worked
RoRo - that was me in a nutshell too. my h fell over himself trying to do everything that i wanted - and he never got back from me what HE needed.
but what i see now is that he pleased me at the expense of himself - until he was so used up he couldn't do it any longer. his most repeated words since BD have been "i have to take care of myself, i spent too long taking care of you"
i think it's still the double bind playing on some level. so h is pleasing you at the expense of taking care of himself - and he doesn't get any satisfaction from it no matter how pleased you are, because it's not fulfilling something in him that he really needs - and that something is him growing in self awareness and dealing with his own issues that make him unhappy.
he thinks that you are the cause of his unhappiness because he can't do enough to please you, but it's actually just a projection of not being able to be happy himself.
my h would do everything i asked for and more - but no matter how profusely i said thanks to him he never felt that i appreciated it. NOW i understand why - i didn't show him appreciation in HIS love language - i did it in mine.
so i think doing the 180's applies here still. and you need to find the LL that he can hear your appreciation in. maybe you have to try each of the 5 out one at a time for a few weeks each to see if any of them makes the difference.
either way - you need to change the dynamic between you two over all the things he does for you
but more importantly than that:
I feel like a failure for not being able to fix this. Which brings up feelings of never being able to do anything right according to my mother
this is more disturbing to me - are you still in fixer mode? how much do you believe that you have truly resolved your own inner issues, from a long time ago?
the dynamics and the patterns between the 2 of you cannot truly change until one person takes the real steps. if you have unresolved issues - you need to address them, because it will totally change your emotional mindset, and then you can change the dynamics between the 2 of you. and once you change your energy, the pattern has to shift
it's hard to think about so much especially when you are so tired. maybe taking a coupel of days off to mull over it and let it go through you will help a lot.
hope you feel a lot better soon
(((((( ))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
