So then you move to step #5, which is experimenting and monitoring results. This includes 180s, acting "as if", doing something different... or even doing nothing...
Right, like the story of Brett and Stella, in DR "Do a 180" (page 123 in my book) which is exactly what I did above, and I've seen improvement.
Quote:
What do you think the "positive results" between the two of you was caused by? Who do you think initiated the positive results, and why?
I believe the improvements I've noticed are due to the fact that I stood up and took charge. I told her what I want, and that while I accept responsibility for my part of where we are now, I will not accept all the blame for it. She is just as responsible as I am. I refuse to be a doormat, (pretty much done that for 5 months now... it didn't work) only to end up being dumped anyway for not being passionate or assertive enough.
I'm thinking that because we do everything together, and had too few individual activities, we have stagnated. We were always best friends, (and both agree we still are!) but just like most best friends we also almost never have an argument. I was always a peace keeper at all costs. Now it seems I may be paying the price for it.
If there is to be any hope for us finding sexual passion, we both need more outside interests to spice things up when we're together, and we both have to not be afraid to have constructive arguments. This is how partners work out their differences. It's how they ask for, and get what they need and want. Holding things in, or swallowing discontent in a misguided effort to avoid ending up in an argument with your "best friend" will dull the emotions... eventually all of them, even passion.
This is why I have taken an online course through my local community college on interpersonal communication, and another on being more assertive.
Let the monitoring roll on...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
My plan is to continue to be the best H I can be, find my own happiness, and wait this period out as she figures out what she wants. Also start being a little more assertive and take charge whenever I can. For 5 months I have avoided putting any pressure on her or initiating any R talks. Originally she cried a lot and talked about running away or moving out to find her identity. Then, 3 months ago she said she would stay until her busy period at work was up, (2-3 weeks to go) Last week she mentioned being undecided on whether she was going to leave me or not.
She's been changing quite a bit. More outgoing now, but sometimes cold or even cruel, and not just to me. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to be with the new her, but then I figure she is just in a transition period and doesn't really know what she wants yet. I'm just not sure how long I can wait for her to figure things out. I'm also not sure of how much chance there is of her being happy with me post her "awakening".
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Ever since the day following the bomb drop, I have carefully avoided practically any type of pursuing behavior. But what about when she sees me reading relationship books, or sees charges for marriage coaching and such on our credit card bills? Couldn’t this be seen by her as pursuing behavior, since I’m working on saving the marriage when that's not what she wants? I don’t expect any issues with the spending itself, as all our finances have always been joint, and we have never had disagreements about money, it's more the message it sends that concerns me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Talked with DB coach yesterday. She told me something I already knew, but don't want to think about. A MLC can last for 2-5 years! How am I supposed to last that long?
Listed below is the course of action laid out for me:
Appear to not be working on the marriage. (When W questions DB charges on billing statement, explain that the counselors also help individuals move on with their life)
Go on with my life, no waiting around for her to come home. Do more things. Do things that would really surprise her.
Create an exciting life of my own. Adopt a dating mindset,* new clothes, hair cut, teeth whitening, cologne. Have a happy, positive outlook. Create interest.
Watch and notice what catches her interest. What makes her curious? What positive actions does she initiate?
Fellow DB'rs: Please post any specific actions and/or helpful ideas that you think might increase my chances of rebuilding here. Thanks for helping!
*lol. It's been 33 years since I dated, and I was just a teen then!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Forever young , i just wanted to say i hope things work out for you and your W . Im new on here so cant give any advice yet , but i admire your will for not pursuing and will use you as an example of how i should be . and also thanks for the advice you posted there from your DB coach and i hope it works .
So what were the things that you were doing when you two fell in love? What were the things you USED to like to do?
The same things we’ve been doing all along. Working, building up our home, going places, doing road trips and resort vacations. Since her Mom passed last December she’s had a MLC awakening and decided that her life is no longer satisfying for her. Wants to head out and do things on her own, find out who she is. She looks at other people’s lives with envy, and is convinced that she has missed out on something grand. “I’ve wasted 30 years of my life, and now it’s almost over” was one of her comments.
I’m having a difficult time understanding how someone can be content for 30 + years, and then suddenly decide they are not. Especially when we always got along well and almost never had complaints. If she was truly unhappy and “not in love with me” all this time like she now says, why didn’t she ever say so?
Even now she admits that she is thankful for the life she has had. Yet she still thinks it might be better without me. Says even if she falls flat on her face and ends up in a worse situation and more unhappy, she feels she has to give it a try. I’ve always encouraged her to do whatever she wanted, and that hasn’t changed. She took two vacations this year without me, and has a third one planned.
My perception is that she’s always had low self esteem and never loved herself enough. It seemed that no matter how much I tried to build her up, encouraged and supported her, it had little positive effect.
Here’s a conversation with me she initiated yesterday:
While discussing a trip out of state where she's planning to visit and stay with Laura, a manager who she previously worked for, she mentioned that “Laura was the only one who ever believed in me.. encouraged me to grow and told me I could do it.” "My parents never did this, nor did any of my teachers". "I know you say you did, but that's different."
I mostly just listened but then I said “Maybe it's different because it's just expected from a spouse, and often gets taken for granted.”
She is no doubt bored with her life, and doesn't really know what she wants. All I can do is be the best H I can be, make a happy life of my own, and wait to see what happens.
How do I balance our time apart with our time together?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
So what were the things that you were doing when you two fell in love? What were the things you USED to like to do?
The same things we’ve been doing all along. Working, building up our home, going places, doing road trips and resort vacations. Since her Mom passed last December she’s had a MLC awakening and decided that her life is no longer satisfying for her. Wants to head out and do things on her own, find out who she is. She looks at other people’s lives with envy, and is convinced that she has missed out on something grand. “I’ve wasted 30 years of my life, and now it’s almost over” was one of her comments.
I’m having a difficult time understanding how someone can be content for 30 + years, and then suddenly decide they are not. Especially when we always got along well and almost never had complaints. If she was truly unhappy and “not in love with me” all this time like she now says, why didn’t she ever say so?
Even now she admits that she is thankful for the life she has had. Yet she still thinks it might be better without me. Says even if she falls flat on her face and ends up in a worse situation and more unhappy, she feels she has to give it a try. I’ve always encouraged her to do whatever she wanted, and that hasn’t changed. She took two vacations this year without me, and has a third one planned.
My perception is that she’s always had low self esteem and never loved herself enough. It seemed that no matter how much I tried to build her up, encouraged and supported her, it had little positive effect.
Here’s a conversation with me she initiated yesterday:
While discussing a trip out of state where she's planning to visit and stay with Laura, a manager who she previously worked for, she mentioned that “Laura was the only one who ever believed in me.. encouraged me to grow and told me I could do it.” "My parents never did this, nor did any of my teachers". "I know you say you did, but that's different."
I mostly just listened but then I said “Maybe it's different because it's just expected from a spouse, and often gets taken for granted.”
She is no doubt bored with her life, and doesn't really know what she wants. All I can do is be the best H I can be, make a happy life of my own, and wait to see what happens.
How do I balance our time apart with our time together?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I wonder if it's because we have so many options in life now. Not really sure why this happens.
I believe she will come around and you will have a stronger marriage for it. I'm so sorry that it has to cause you pain in the meantime. I think if you do as you described above, she is going to realize all she has to do is open her eyes to the man who has been with her and loved her all along.
Forever young , i just wanted to say i hope things work out for you and your W . Im new on here so cant give any advice yet , but i admire your will for not pursuing and will use you as an example of how i should be . and also thanks for the advice you posted there from your DB coach and i hope it works .
Oh great, just what I need, even more pressure to make this work!
Seriously HH, I truly appreciate your support. That is one of the reasons most of us come to this forum... seeking support from others to help us carry on. Thank you sir!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
