DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[albamarie]

Hi ZIg- Ok, I have stopped having those conversations about him, his feelings, what's wrong. He said to me last night that he’s going to work until he collapses, (depression) I said “well at least you have a goal” he laughed (hopefully one day seeing his own silliness) and we left it at that.

This weekend H was going through some hard times at work and I stood to the side. He did wake me to get comfort and warmth (fall nights) I acknowledged him, not real attentive, but validating.

My mom and dad came over Fri. they told me to make sure to be kind, make sure the kids are kind to H, because he at least needs that even if he’s a big dope. We had a great family time eating and hanging out, they both don’t want me to walk away from him, but think my life would be so improved if I did.

I liked having him gone… I didn’t miss him. I am learning to be without him and finding the benefits of that. The weekend without H made me see how happily I was floating around the house, how I’m missing nothing from his absence, but anxiety and hurt. (that's thinking of this H, not the past H that's gone)

I went to another job interview this morning…for me to be a better me…not as an escape. It looks good…I will let you know.

One of my biggest patterns is jumping to his every whim even as he himself is saying there’s no need. I caught myself the last few times…I’m not as accommodating unless he specifically asks, like for a coffee to go, as he’s off to work. He’s never been very intrusive anyway…I was more insistent. He is comfortable with the thought, that I am here…he said before, he knows what he has…and will always have. Hence, the feeling that he can be anyway, and I’ll love him through it.

NO MORE…I don’t love him through it, I feel like I’m coming out the other end of a tunnel that has multiple exists. This exit is the “I don’t think I’m in love with you any more” exit, with several other directional tunnels to continue through from there. Wow, would he would have to do to pull me back is beyond my faith ...of his capabilities.

Ok, this is a crazy sidebar, but I want to share this. D and I went to a neighborhood festival where there was a psychic/card reader. I paid her no mind as she sought me out of a crowd. She said I was emitting so much anger and disappointment that she needs to talk to me. Ok, it’s a festive after all…. her words almost knocked my D off her chair. She held my hands and told me everything that is going on (as you and I know it) with my M, H, R, and kept going. She named my D name, said me son’s name, my grandmother’s name, and proceeded to tell me to GAL. “You didn’t nothing wrong…you didn’t break this R, you can’t fix it”. (sounds familiar-Cadet’s words).

Now that’s all in fun of course, but she pulled me in and said there is no explanation for how my h is acting…do nothing, let it take it’s course…take care of myself, and don’t worry about taking care of him so much.

Ok, when a stranger off the street can read that off of me, I figure I either look like hell these days, or she’s just that intuitive.

I’m going to leave you with this at this point and come back with some,” really specific answers - and from what you write, we'll figure out what we can do to change those within you to more positive reactions that help you keep moving forward”.

Have a great day...