It's like a little kid doing stuff so Mommy will be proud. He basically said that last night.

Maybe I'm missing something.

okay - i think i see it a bit differently now after you described that.

where the hell is KD grin when we need him - I think he would have picked up on this right away

I'll give it a shot, and warning - i am just throwing this out there - and it's the amateur version compared to what KD would write. maybe he'll chime in later


I think it's the double bind at play here

He puts you in this position of being mommy by doing all this stuff, and which grown man wants to feel like that in his romantic relationship, right?

but your allowing him to let him play this, is what allows him to keep you both in the double bind. and then he gets to think - why would i want to be with RoRo if she feels like mom. of course i love mom, and so i can tell RoRo that i love her, but I don't have to stay because an adult man does NOT stay with his mom. (one of the significant symptoms of being in a double bind is a feeling of helplessness, that you can't even see what is really going on in the dynamics)

Your first question will be - how do I allow it?

well, that's the problem with the double bind, it's really difficult to see your own role in how you keep it there.

As KD explained to me, the only way out of a double bind is to step right out of it.

Find the 180 here - for example - he's cooking dinner tonight already? call a friend and go out to dinner.

Use ways to keep yourself out of the double bind. yes you may hurt his feelings and he'll play that card big time, especially now after your most recent talk - he has GOT to keep you in this position in order to keep on leaving. he'll probably throw the book at you for being so unappreciative after all he did to cook dinner. you can just say gently that you had no idea he was doing it for you, how sweet of him. maybe YOU could cook him dinner tomorrow night?

take that role back - where he's not doing stuff only for you, but that it becomes equal and you do it equally for each other.

and then lead - like KD said to me - bring out the good stuff in him - and believe me that's not him doing the laundry!
lead him towards doing the things that he is genuinely good at as an independent person. find out what his strengths are and guide him in that direction and validate every little thing he does in that direction. and stop validating anything he does which makes him feel as if he's pleasing mommy.

if he had big complaints about the things YOU didn't let him do - allow him to do those and nudge him in that direction. as an eg. - the one i'm focusing now on with my h: he was really bitter that i controlled the parenting. so now, i've completely stepped back and insist that he takes over and leads the way. he's reluctant when it comes up each time, but after, i can see he is much more confident about doing it

this is a different perspective - and when KD presented it to me a while ago, it was really difficult for me to grasp. it's taken me a while, but now i can apply it and recognize it much more easily

hope this helps
zig

me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"