Stop the ride I want to get off

[Tumbling]

Here I am again. I posted 3 things during the day yesterday, don't know where they got to...

recapping in case they don't appear
Sunday - Went to the gym and then I sent a friendly email about the house quote. Started Hi H, hope you're ok and post holiday blues aren't too bad. Outlined the quote and that I found it excessive but would value his input. That I would like to tell the contractor yes/no Weds so would appreciate his views asap. Also told him about something else (funny) that had happened in the house and said I would sms a photo.

Went out for the day with a friend - had a good time - came home and there was nothing at all in reply to email or photo. It doesn't hurt my heart - it's just plain rude (is that judgemental?). I would not blank someone, esp if I knew in doing so I could hurt the person I least wanted to hurt.


Musing
I discovered the picnic and the castle analogy Sunday night and realised I had often spent time hammering on the door, throwing rocks at the windows when the drawbridge was up and even lobbing things over the wall for effect.

I totally get that they come see us at the picnic and then run away. I know better than to follow him to the castle hence I am not there this time.

What I can't fathom is what caused him to go to the castle this time. He checked out the picnic, brought some gifts (flowers), told me he preferred the picnic to the castle, went on holiday, text on landing and then disappeared. I just don't get it, past caving behaviour has been due to perceived/threatened/actual pressure or conflict. But there was none. I text I was glad he was back safe and that if his jetlag wasn't too bad I was in that evening if he wanted to call. It's beyond me. Maybe I should just quit trying to understand.

I am so cross with my Self for letting him near me again because I have slipped back to pondering why he hasn't called.

I don't need to know. That's his business. My business is how I feel about it and whether I want to be around it in future. I don't.

I don't want to be around someone who can treat others so callously. If he got in touch in a friendly way, not about quote, I don't know how I would respond. What would help or hinder our R? Do I care?

I feel sad that this is where we are again.I did so much want to work it out but I just can't trust him with my feelings.

That said I am curious what he might do this time. I will sit here on the blanket quietly minding my own business. He can stay in the castle as long as he likes. The longer he's there, the more time I have to get my head together, focus on what I want, fill my spare time with what I like doing and work out how I will respond when he does get in touch.

I have to admit it's hard to accept that he is choosing not to contact me. I did have a little cry earlier but it's no good feeling sorry for my Self. It doesn't make any difference to the sitch. I bet he's not sitting around feeling sorry for himself. Actually I bet he is!