month 4

[Denver_2010]

Again no disrespect to veterans who have been here much longer than me, simply a title so I can keep my head straight about where this thing is.

I do have a question for some of the veterans if they have time to chime in. We seperated mid June, and since then there has really been zero movement. I've done a good job of GAL, i've done a good job with NC and not pursuing, I can't say i've done quite so good at detaching, but Im not sure she would know that. Externally i've detached well, internally probably not so much.

Here is my question, 4 months in and no movement do I need to do something different? Or do I keep going down this road for a longer bit and give it more time? And by do something different I certainly don't mean file or anything like that, im talking about do I try to initiate more talks? Do I ask her to dinner? I was at our house last week and saw she was reading a book on co-dependency and detaching. My worry at that point became that by doing the NC thing im helping her accomplish what she's trying to accomplish, although Im not sure what the alternative is because I know for sure that full on pursuing is never going to work.

And I also know she feels like im very controlling so I can't 'push' very hard if at all or she'll be completely convinced i'll never change.

And I know that someone will tell me that NC is for me not for her so I can detach, but lets be honest, as much as im working on myself and am very happy with the changes i've made in my life. This place is still called Divorce Busting so I dont think we'd all be here if we didnt hope that something we 'did' or some of the work we're doing didn't involve giving us another opportunity with our spouse.

Im not trying to be rude when I say that at all and hope that no one will take it that way, but I see on so many threads that people are lambasted for wanting their spouses back and wanting to avoid divorce. While im all for moving 'on' when the time comes, until that day my first goal is to create a situation where my wife and I will have a chance to be together again and work to improve our marriage. So do I continue to stay the course for now or is it time to try something different? And if its time to try whats your suggestion on the something different?

I agree with you about what we are trying to do here on this board. You are trying to save your M. That is why you came here. I also refused the idea that my goal should focus more on improving me rather than saving my M.

However, what I realized is that they come hand in hand. Duel goals. So yes, no contact serves TWO purposes. 1) it IS for you. To protect you. So that you can conserve emotional energy for when you need it down the road. 2) to give your W the space and time that she needs. To let her follow her own path. To find out what she needs for her life. To determine if her life is better off with you, or without you.

As to your question about doing something different... well, I understand your frustration. I do. But, like you said, what is the alternative. Pursuing, which asking to dinner would be, is not the answer, IMO. And Carnac, I know that the last 4 months have seems like a decade, but it really hasn't been THAT long. My sitch was just short of 19 months long. Yes, I had more activity, more ups and downs, than you seem to have. But I think that yours is a little more typical. Your W is still exploring her life, who she is, who she wants to be. You have to let her. And that is going to take time. Lots of it.

As long as she hasn't divorced you, you have a chance. Hell, even if she does D you, you have a chance. You keep going until you know you are done. And you WILL know.

I suggest that you keep doing what you are doing. Reassess at the 6 month mark. Little did I know that I was just starting at the 6 month mark.

I don't think that it would be a bad idea for you to do a little research into MLC (mid life crisis). I'm not saying that your W is in one, but I do think that there are signs. In hindsight, I definitely think that my W was in an MLC. I never really looked into that and handled my sitch as a pure walk away situation. I don't think that it will change things much for you, but it might give you some perspective on what may be going on with her. Just an idea.

Denver