So sorry about your low last night, but sometimes we need to let out what's been bottled up inside. Sometimes we can control how we release it, and sometimes we can't.
Based on you threading waters for the past few months, I assume that you still want your H back, that you would work on forgiving him, and would want to work towards a new and better R. Your H still seems to struggle with shame and forgiveness. Did you at any point say that despite all that's happened that at some point he needs to forgive himself for what he's done, and he would need to forgive you for the "grief" you've caused him. And did you tell him (if that is how you feel) that you are working on forgiveness yourself, forgiving him for the choices he's made and yourself for the pain you caused him?
I could be completely off base, but I feel like your H is the type of person who would need affirmation - not saying that what he did was ok, but telling him that what's done is done, and that in order to move on one needs to forgive....whether he would move on with you or without you.
