Dealing with Anger

[tori2012]

Arsene, thank you for posting truegritter's post.

[Arsene]

Thanks 25,

I was starting to wonder if I was indeed on the right track. All I can say is that for now, the path I'm on feels like the right one and it's something that I think I can do. I mostly have been able not to think about OM and I do not find it "emasculating" as someone mentioned on his thread.

I do feel like I'm in control of what I am doing and that I am showing respect for my W's decisions (which is something I need to do and which actually may be a huge 180).

I will stop monitoring daily as you suggested and will try not to have unrealistic expectations. I will refine my short term goals (baby steps) and keep my "timeline" as a simple guideline and a reminder of how little time I have spent on this so far.

I haven't had any negative thoughts about my W in days and whenever I'm about to mentally judge or criticize her actin I catch myself in time. I have been monitoring my anger and trying to deal with it, not suppressing it. At the moment, I feel intense love and compassion towards my W. I feel the way I want to/ought to have all those years she was with me, suffering silently, gathering the courage and determination to leave a marriage where she lived in constant fear of disappointing the man she had once loved so much she had decided to give her live for him.

I feel good about where I am now, and I feel that I am doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it is. IMO, forcing the issue at this time would not help my sitch. I believe that given the emotional attachment I thin my W has with OM, I need to let this "fizzle out" on its own. All I can do right now is make myself the better option.

Thanks again 25 for your support.

No problems Tori, if you like that go read Denver's entire thread. It's a long one (I'm still only a bit past the halfway point)but it's filled with inspiring posts like this one.

[chatterbug]

Arsene. You are writing yourself into John Yossarian.

[Arsene]

You may be right CB. As insane as it is, though, it's what feels good and makes sense to me for the time being, and it's an opinion which also goes along the approach recommended by other vets. As Bond told me earlier:"if you still don't understand, you will in a while." I guess there is still hope whether I'm now on the right track or not. Thanks for offering me a different perspective mate.

[labug]

The knife cam down, missing him by inches, and he took off.

[Arsene]

The knife cam down, missing him by inches, and he took off.

It's about hope, not death.

[breakdownbill]

I mostly have been able not to think about OM and I do not find it "emasculating" as someone Bill mentioned on his thread.

There fixed it for you, Arsene I respect you and whatever way you choose to go about dealing with your sitch, but did you really mean that when you said it?

You admit to repressing your thoughts, what has it done for your self esteem? Testosterone levels, self worth? You may have found ways to block them out or justifying them not being emasculating, but that doesn't make it so.

Bill

[Denver_2010]

Hi Denver,

I'm getting mixed signals here. This was posted by you 10 days ago. so far, I've been doing a good enough job at following it and I'm now more focused than ever on this plan.

It is a good plan Arsene. But you have to realize the stage that I was in when I posted that. W was considering R with me. She and I were spending all of our time together. She had supposedly told OM that she was going to work on our M. But she was still talking to him and still doing gigs with him. THAT was NOT okay. And I shouldn't have been okay with this at all.

But I had convinced myself that OM's involvement at THAT point was only that my W still had feelings for him and was unsure of us. I knew that he lurked, but she was not dating him. If you read my entire story, you know that that changed. And it was inevitable that it would, because AT THAT POINT, I did not see how that my W had not resolved her feelings for OM, nor did I understand that that had to happen before any R was possible. WHEN IT DID ultimately change...

I set the boundary that I have been talking about for the first time. And it is what I stuck by for the remainder of my sitch.

Like I said, it was very difficult to enforce that boundary. No one is saying it is easy, and I am in no way saying that I did it perfectly. Many here would tell you that I did not. But for the most part, I refused to be an active part of my W's life during any of the periods of time when she was seeing or contacting OM. My biggest mistake, and I made it a couple of times, was that I let her back into my life too easily, without making her actually get to a point where she was scared that she may have lost me.

Read 25mlc's post to you again. It is a good one, and ultimately, I think, the point that I am trying to make. Stop thinking that by spending all of this time with your W that that is going to get her to change her mind. As long as OM is an active part of her life, live YOUR life separately. And let her live her's. She has to resolve this deal with OM. She has to face that she may lose you in the process. She cannot, will not, see that as long as you are just sitting there, IN her life, waiting.

THAT ^^ really isn't outside of the plan that you copied and pasted from my thread.

[Arsene]

I agree Denver. It is not outside of the plan. You make it sound like we spend a lot of time together but I didn't think we did.

As we are co-parenting, for the time being, I still want my D8 to have some time with both of us. If in the future things don't work out this will have to change, I'm sure but for now, it's been good for D8.

Secondly, I can not rent a house by myself. I need a local and my W is the best option since we need to register with the neibourhood chief (as a married couple - with marriage certificates and all). Otherwise, her coming over to visit D8 would be questioned by the neighbours.

I also need her to sponsor my residence visa. This is a long process which will take us to immigration together many times over the next few months.

She also needs to be "kind of" in the picture if I want to have a live-in maid. Usually, women will not stay in the same house as a "single" man.

I know this may sound like a justification and perhaps it is but it is also a reality in this country. (Just as an example, years ago I got called in the neighbourhood park by the chief and his security staff because my girlfriend had spent the night in my home. Then,in front of all my neighbours he proceeded to interrogate me.)

Listen, I hear what all of you are saying but we are not spending a lot of time together. Last week, there was no contact (at all) from Monday morning til Thursday evening and what contact there was was in the form of text messages and about logistical issues.

When she comes to the house to see D8. I usually am pleasant but I give them their time. I usually get out of the way and go and play my guitar. If we end up talking, she instigates it and I usually am the one ending it and/or leaving. Up to now, I had been living in a boarding house and with only one room it was difficult but yesterday, in the house I just moved in, they spent their time in D8's room while I practiced my repertoire with a friend of mine (my friend actually said it was weird - he thought she was haggard and cold).

If we do spend time together, there is usually a good reason which involves D8 or some logistics issue. Yesterday, she offered to come with me to the market to buy things I needed for the house. With her around, I bought stuff for D8's room and for the house in general at a fraction of the price it would have cost me if I'd gone alone (prices usually triple for foreigners). I my present financial situation, I needed that.

As I said before, my view on this might change later but for now, considering there is nothing I can do about what she does and considering that I need to show her a glimpse of what she is walking out on, I believe this plan gives me the focus I need to work on myself while making sure my D8 is in good hands and giving W something to think about when she's not here.

With the "emasculating" part, sorry Bill I'd forgotten where I'd seen this. To answer your question, I am trying to control my anger and frustrations about it and yes, there is a lot of pain, but the pain has less to do with how I feel about my virility and more with the fact that I feel betrayed by someone who I never thought would betray me. The loss of the emotional link I had with my W is more painful to me than whatever physical aspect there may be to their relationship, on which I refuse to waste time, thoughts or energy.

Thanks for your help guys (and girls). Let's see how this unravels and I'll adjust as I see fit.

[Arsene]

Just journaling.

Yesterday, W offered to come along with me to help me buy stuff for the house. It helps to have her around as it brings the price of things down and in my present financial position, I'll take all the help I can get.

It was a nice enough day. W was late but when she showed up I was cheerful (I've been doing that for quite a while now and it's a huge 180 - in the past I was very impatient and wouldn't let anyone forget how long i had been waiting) and we got a lot of basic stuff for the house and D8. W offered me lunch so we sat at a food stall and had a nice light chat while eating. At one point, again for no apparent reasons, she just reached out and put her arm around me and held on tight. Still it felt more sisterly than anything. I didn't reciprocate.

At some other point in the day she also said that she thought it had been a mistake to come to this city instead of going to the touristic area of the country, as we had planned. I was kind of taken by surprise and held back what I would have said in the past (That's what I've been telling you all along) and instead said that this city wasn't so bad and that every place has its own challenges and problems (STFU!!). obviously this is a place when I should have just validated or even ask her why she thought that but I wasn't thinking.

Another thing that came out was when we were talking about the tantrums that D8 seems to be going through more often these days. W said that D8 had always had them but that she hadn't done it in front of me because she was afraid of me. W says that due to my changes, D8 is no longer afraid to express her feelings in front of me and that would explain why I seem to notice an increase.

W also said that she'd occasionally asked D8 if she wanted to go live with her at some point and D8 had in the past shown excitement at the idea, however, W said that the last time she'd asked, D8 had replied that she was happy with me and that she was ok here. W said she was happy to hear that. I'm not sure what to make of this.

When we got home, my friend (G) was waiting for me to practice our repertoire so I thanked W for her help and went to do that right away and W went to play with D8 in her new room.

G has known W for as long as I have and they are friends too. The three of us used to go on motorcycle rides together when I first met W and they got on well. He was my best man at our wedding and the three of us have performed together on a few occasions. W hadn't seen him since before I left for my country in May and she gave him a hug and said hi.

Later, G told me that he didn't recognize her. He said she was haggard and cold. Not the warm, fun-loving, kind woman he remembers. He was really taken aback. Another thing he said was that he was surprised that W hadn't mentioned our playing. We've been practicing this repertoire for some time and a lot of what we do is very good. He said that it just wasn't like her not to at least make a comment like:"It's sounding good guys!". He now understands what I meant when I said that she's not herself.

I'm now quite confused about what to do in my sitch. I thought I was learning and doing the right thing and that my plan was a good one. I was starting to feel good about myself but now with all the talk around here about the direction I should take, I don't know anymore. It's killed my PMA.