Hello I am a fairly new comer. I have a thread in the "Affair" section that has not gotten a lot of feedback so I thought I would start here. I will not get into too much depth here for the sake of repeating myself. I had an affair 3 years ago from what I thought we got through it but apparently I was mistaken. 2 months ago my H told me he did not think he could be married to me any more. For the most part I felt this came out of no where. At that time I was confused and was really trying to see why all of a sudden this has come up. We just got back from a cruise and I thought we had a good time so why the change? He told me he feels like he wants to be with other women, He thinks he just does not want to be with me anymore.
So a few days had passed and he agreed to consulting. We went and things were still tense. I had to pay his cell phone bill and I saw 100's of texts to an unfamiluar number so I asked him about it. He said it was his friend "Eddy" Now Eddy had moved about 6 months prior and I had just asked him a few weeks before how Eddy was doing and he said he had not talked to him so I know he was lying. To get to the point I found out this was OW. She was someone he worked with and who was "Going Through the same thing as he was" I asked him what "That" was and he said "Feeling Guilty about leaving" He said he has had no physical contact with OW just talking.
So I took it at that. Another day or so went by and my gut told me to look into this a bit. I looked at when the texting was happening. When I was at the store, I was at work, Even right before our cruise and right after. There I saw there were pictures exchanged. So I decided to look into his email and there they were. 3 nude pictures of her and one very explicit video. So I confronted H. He said she just sent them and he did not send any to her. He said he asked her to not to send them, but I did see they still talked after so who knows.
He said he would not talk to her anymore. He said he is not looking for a relationship just an outlet. I tried to explain to him how some women are. He may be thinking A but they are really thinking B. I think she was looking for a replacement for her own bad relationship. She is 26 2 kids under 5 BF cheats on her....etc (All info I got from my H) So I asked him how does one go from "Talking about there independent" relationships to sending nude pictures.......He did not say much.
A few more weeks had passed. He agreed to stay, Break if off with OW and see how it goes. He then told me really thinks he should leave. He started asking me what I would do, and what I would do with our Son. We live in NY now. Commute 70 miles one way every day for work. I told him I would probably move closer to work. He was shocked. He said he would pick up S and stay at the house until I got home. He said he would come over and do housework and mow the grass and help me out. I thought to myself. No you wont. He asked why. I told him if he leaves that is it. I cannot be his friend. Again he was shocked. I told him the reason for that is because I would not be able to get over him if he was still around. I said I may even move to Florida, where my family lives. At least there I would have some support. Again he was shocked. He said he could not bear the though of not seeing our son. And he could not believe I would even think about moving.
So again he decided to stay. So from then on things have been Strange, Tense and Confusing. One day he is OK the next he is a real A**hole. I keep on doing positive things but he just does not seem to respond to anything. I feel like we are just co-existing. I am really not sure how long I can keep this up. I feel like I am walking on eggshells every day. There is no communication unless I start it. Then it is just one word answers. I am just so frustrated. He has continued with his consoling, but he has not told me anything about what they are working on. So I really do not know where to go or what to do. I have started keeping a journal just to see how many good days there are vs bad days. I am really trying to be positive but sometimes I am really wondering if it is worth it and if things will ever be better.......
First, what do you want? Do you want to possibly save your M with this man or are you ready to be done?
I understand you are upset, that is normal. Some of the things you said to your H appear to be in direct effort and intention to bring him back home and to the M, through the use of fear.
Did you intend to scare him into coming back by saying you wouldn't be his friend, you would move closer to your work and/or you might move back to Florida?
Do you understand that, even though your H came back, he is likely living right now in a state of fear and panic that you might take his son away from him.
If you are OK with that, it is your choice.
Still, I ask, do you expect him to be pleasant, after your threats of taking his son away?
You are a threat to him and he may not be very likely or willing to be pleasant with you, except he may try... again, because he's afraid of the threat.
You may suggest it is not an idle threat and you will. Either way, your H sees the threat and you are the enemy.
How do you think you might help change this dynamic around?
Did your H ever offer any reasons why he was unhappy in the M?
Hi Kaffe Diem, Thanks for your reply. I know it is hard to see the context in which something is said in text so Ill try to explain that here.
We were having a calm discussion. He had asked me if I ever though of what I would do if we Divorced. My response back to him was "well we would probably have to sell the house because I could not afford the mortgage on my own" He then Asked where I would go. (Seeing I have no family in the area) I said I would probably move close to work Because it was so far away it really did not make since for me to drive so far each day. I also said I could move to Florida to be with my family.
Again I did not say "I am moving and taking our Son" It was not like that it was more of these are my options. Just as he would have options. I never threatened to take our Son away from H. I was looking at things from a logical perspective. The reason why I commute so long now is my Husband had a construction business and all of his business was built around the contacts he had here locally. He had a steady thing going.
When I did say these things he did respond in a way as I could see those statements as a threat but that was not my intention, I was just thinking out lout. NOT thinking how can I hurt this man......
When I said I could not be his friend. This statement was based on Experience. When we first met we dated and broke up for 2 years then we were brought back together but we were just friends. It got to the point in our relationship that I was comparing everyone else I met with my H. This person is not like H, or H is so much better than this person. When I started to do that I knew If H was going to be in my life our relationship needed to grow past the "Friends" phase and that was when we became exclusive and then married. I just know me. If my H thinks he can hang out, go do whatever it is he is going to do and still be a constant in my life I will never be able to get past him. So when I said that statement it was based on experience again not a fear tactic.
As far as him giving me a reason why he wants out of the marriage. He said he does not think he loves me anymore. Now from what I could see this all came about when the OW came into the picture. And now being on both sides of the fence I get how having someone else in the picture can really cloud and sway someone's perspective. I get that. You have someone else telling you "hey I can do XYZ that your W cant so come give this a try" And when you are in a vulnerable state I can see how that would be enticing. The problem here was I did not know there was OW and I also did not know my H was feeling depressed or having a MLC. He never said a word to me until the OW turned it up a notch.
In the end I want to save my M. I want to be with my H and I want him to want to be with me and not feel like I am forcing it.
It is possible that what I posted wasn't clear although I did want to know if you intended to try to scare him and as you explain, that was not your intention.
I would like you to consider though, even if it was not your intention, can you see how what you said to him COULD be interpreted by him to mean that he would lose access to his S, which COULD LIKELY scare him.
I am interpreting from you statement about being friends with your H, that you are afraid that if your H and you are friends, it may develop IN YOU, a desire to be MORE than friends. Is that likely the case? As you said, that's your past experience, so it stands to reason that COULD be your future experience.
Why is that a "bad" thing? Because you are afraid of getting hurt, yet again.
Do you have any other male friends that you look at and say, "he's a really good guy." Or have, even fleeting moments of wondering what a more intimate R with them might be like?
So it is fair that since you did not know there was an OP in his life, that wasn't a consideration in your thinking about why your H was saying what he was and acting the way he was. Now you know that. Even when the OP is gone, the AP will go through withdrawals, so they are not immediately going to come back to the BP. If they do, it would be rebound and a good idea for the BP to hold back. A rebound R can be unhealthy.
So if your H is in withdrawal, he is still likely to say he doesn't want back in the M.
He WOULD NEED to feel safe to go back to the M. AND... he would need to believe that a M with you would be DIFFERENT than it was when he began to want out of the M. Because THAT is the time he's likely basing his thoughts and decision to R on.
How can you provide that for him? Allowing him to feel safe with you as well as allowing him to see how a M with you would be so much better than what he's comparing it with?
Hello I am really not sure what to do in this situation. After my husbands last theropy session he has been totally avoiding me. Very little talking no physical contact and he has been sleeping on the couch. Normally I would be asking him100 questions about his behavior but instead I choose to ignore him.
So he finally told me his theropist told him my theropist said I thought he was becoming suicidal and he is becoming an alcoholic. He waits for me to go to bed so he can have a beer and not be judged.
I said to him I never said suicidal. The last time he was drinking a lot I found him laying in the ditch by the road. I asked him what he was doing because it looked like he was trying to kill himself. What I did say is when he drinks in excess his behavior changes and he does crazy things. That is my concern.
He told me he is handling it and if my theropist is not telling his theropist the truth I need to talk to her. I said I am sitting right here why don't you ask me? He said he did not want to talk about it and walkes away.
what am I supposed to do when I have a husband who is ignoring me and stonewalling me? He really makes me feel like a second class citizen in my marriage. I feel like he is using this as a punishment for my past behavior. Everything seems to be on his terms. How can I gain some control back without ending my marriage????
Have you read the DR book?
You gain control back by doing a 180, detaching, and GAL.
He has an OW, he is depressed, seeing a therapist.
Do you think you can control him back into your marriage. Play a trick on him and make him want to come back.
Let him go. Have boundaries. Work on making your self a better person.
You should be off moderation now.
Keep posting on this thread. You did get some good advice on your infidelity thread. Maybe go back and re-read it.
Hi Cadet, Thank you for your response. I have read DB and I read the one section on Affairs in the DR book. I have gone back to the library to read the entire book.
Over the last few days I have really been concentrating on not “Allowing” him to have control over my feelings. He knows me best he knows I am an emotional person and I think he is trying everything he can to “push my buttons” if you will. And for now this seems to be working for me.
We are still in the same house, however like I said before he is totally stonewalling me. So I am coming across like I really do not care. After our last conversation of him accusing me of calling him an Alcoholic and Suicidal,(which I never did, but that is what he heard from his therapist) He had stayed in our bonus room playing Video games for 14+ hours and I just let him be. He is either sleeping on the couch or the bonus room at this point. The sad part about it is our 7 year old S is starting to notice his behavior. “Why don’t we have family night” or “Why didn’t daddy hug you” These questions have been difficult for me. My H is just not seeing how his actions are affecting our son.
Last night I got a cancelation appointment with my Therapist. I did not tell my H about it. I just sent him a text asking him to be home by 6:15. He did not ask why and I did not say. He was home and I just left, not telling him where I was going or how long I would be gone. Again he did not ask. When I got home 4 hours later (I stopped by my GF house for a bit) he never asked where I was nor did I tell him. He was watching a Movie and I asked him what it was. Instead of just telling me he clicked the grid on the remote, then the info so I could read it. I found this amusing. And I finished my beverage and just went to bed not saying anything to him.
Now this is what I would be doing. Was this the right way to behave? It just seems so counterproductive…….
Was this the right way to behave? It just seems so counterproductive…….
It may seem counterproductive but I can tell you that DB'ing is most times the opposite of what logic will tell you.
You need to take logic and throw it out the window.
Do the best you can for your son and make sure that they know that you love them.
You can not control the relationship that your husband has with your son. Your job is to stay out of the way.
It will be your husbands job to eventually rebuild his relationship with his children, but that may not be right now.
I think it is a good start on how you behaved. His behavior was fairly typical. It may make no sense to you but you must just let it go and try to continue to detach.
So it has been 2 weeks of Stonewalling in my house. My H has not said much to me, and no eye contact when we do cross paths. On Friday night he was a bit more chatty with me. He even agreed to sit down and watch a movie. Which was nice. It was late and I went to bed. He stayed on the couch.
The next day I was cleaning the bedroom and I had the bedroom door closed. He knocked and came in. He asked what my plans were for the day because he wanted to go to a coaches meeting that Night. I told him my plans which consisted of the Market and taking our son to a bounce house. I had suggested going out to dinner because I had a gift card that would expire. He said that would be fine. He was just about to go down stairs and he turned around and said "Can I ask you something" I said sure. He asked "Are you seeing someone else?" I kind of puffed/laughed and said "No I told you as long as I am married to you I am not going to see other people, Why are you seeing someone else?" He said "No. What people do and what they say are two different things and I just did not want to be blind sided again". So I asked him why he asked that and he said last night when he was down stairs my phone rang at 3am and it was a private number. I told him he should have answered it and he told me he could not get to it before it stopped ringing. So I told him if it happens again he should and could answer it. He said OK and went down stairs.
A few hours went by and he mentioned to me he wanted to go to an Irish Festival that night. I said "If you want" "I can see if I can get a sitter or you could just go alone" Then he said it was just a thought and he did not even know if he really wanted to go. So I said he would have to let me know incase I needed to make arrangements for our son. Another hour or so went by and I asked him if he decided what he wanted to do. He said if he was to go he wanted to go alone. All I said was OK.
Then later in the afternoon he said he decided he was not going to go because it was raining. He would go out to dinner instead. All I said was OK,
Dinner went well. He was chatty. When we returned home he went back up to the bonus room and played video games. I put our son to bed and went to bed and watched some TV. He ended up coming to bed that night. The next day he ended up fixing my breaks on my car which was nice, but he seemed a bit distant again. He stayed in the bonus room last night again. So I do not know if he was feeling guilty for coming to our bed the night before or what? I did not ask and I did not peruse. I just let it be.
I am going to continue with not asking him why he is still in the other room, but should I not be having him spend the night on our room??
