Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

I agree Denver. It is not outside of the plan. You make it sound like we spend a lot of time together but I didn't think we did.

As we are co-parenting, for the time being, I still want my D8 to have some time with both of us. If in the future things don't work out this will have to change, I'm sure but for now, it's been good for D8.

Secondly, I can not rent a house by myself. I need a local and my W is the best option since we need to register with the neibourhood chief (as a married couple - with marriage certificates and all). Otherwise, her coming over to visit D8 would be questioned by the neighbours.

I also need her to sponsor my residence visa. This is a long process which will take us to immigration together many times over the next few months.

She also needs to be "kind of" in the picture if I want to have a live-in maid. Usually, women will not stay in the same house as a "single" man.

I know this may sound like a justification and perhaps it is but it is also a reality in this country. (Just as an example, years ago I got called in the neighbourhood park by the chief and his security staff because my girlfriend had spent the night in my home. Then,in front of all my neighbours he proceeded to interrogate me.)

Listen, I hear what all of you are saying but we are not spending a lot of time together. Last week, there was no contact (at all) from Monday morning til Thursday evening and what contact there was was in the form of text messages and about logistical issues.

When she comes to the house to see D8. I usually am pleasant but I give them their time. I usually get out of the way and go and play my guitar. If we end up talking, she instigates it and I usually am the one ending it and/or leaving. Up to now, I had been living in a boarding house and with only one room it was difficult but yesterday, in the house I just moved in, they spent their time in D8's room while I practiced my repertoire with a friend of mine (my friend actually said it was weird - he thought she was haggard and cold).

If we do spend time together, there is usually a good reason which involves D8 or some logistics issue. Yesterday, she offered to come with me to the market to buy things I needed for the house. With her around, I bought stuff for D8's room and for the house in general at a fraction of the price it would have cost me if I'd gone alone (prices usually triple for foreigners). I my present financial situation, I needed that.

As I said before, my view on this might change later but for now, considering there is nothing I can do about what she does and considering that I need to show her a glimpse of what she is walking out on, I believe this plan gives me the focus I need to work on myself while making sure my D8 is in good hands and giving W something to think about when she's not here.

With the "emasculating" part, sorry Bill I'd forgotten where I'd seen this. To answer your question, I am trying to control my anger and frustrations about it and yes, there is a lot of pain, but the pain has less to do with how I feel about my virility and more with the fact that I feel betrayed by someone who I never thought would betray me. The loss of the emotional link I had with my W is more painful to me than whatever physical aspect there may be to their relationship, on which I refuse to waste time, thoughts or energy.

Thanks for your help guys (and girls). Let's see how this unravels and I'll adjust as I see fit.