I hear you Acc, a marriage isn’t Sh!it without the emotional connection and I agree that the kids come first. I was in a poor marriage for years but I always told myself that I would never be the first to ask for a separation. To this day, I am very glad I wasn’t the one to make that decision.
You see, I can’t ask my W to go to the park with the kids and me. I also can’t ask W to go out for a bite to eat with kids and I. Now that would “feel natural” but that’s just not the way things are right now. I see my W a couple times a week and she almost seems like a stranger. The women that gave birth to our children, the women I’ve been with for the last 15 years. Since the separation the only thing that is discussed is the kids or finances. Part of me really feels I should be more proactive with the “conversation starters”. W’s definitely not very good at them, even though I know she’s open to talking.
Yes, I am very hard on myself, probably because I care, I want to improve, I want my W back. I should probably ask W more questions. Yeah, what are you up to???? Are you kidding me!!! I don’t want to hear about her drunken outings. To be honest, I don’t really want to know what “fun” stuff she’s up to. When she brought the kids over tonight I told her how nice it was to see my SIL and BIL at our daughter’s birthday party. I tell me SIL that I love her but not my W, is that F’ed up or what! My W also talks or see’s my mom at least once a week, just messed up stuff.
My heart is too heavy, it hasn’t let go of this women. To see the pain in son 8 is just heartbreaking. The pain is so deep, almost unbearable; I feel sooooo bad for him. A child shouldn’t have to go through this but its reality right now. I pray daily, I pray for myself, others, my W and my kids. I was talking to a pastor at the party last night and he told me what a good heart I have. That’s the truth; I know I have a very good heart. I am closer to the Lord then I’ve ever been. I know He wants W and I to be together but I also know He gives her free will.
