Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

I want to feel loved again. Weird? It's been a while. I saw my H today and I get that feeling of a family for about 5-10 min and then it's gone. We are so nice and normal to each other. It makes me walk away scratching my head every time. Sometimes I wish he was a jerk to me so I would lose all of that feeling of love for him.

As my kids and I were driving in the car to meet him today they told me that they hate going back and forth, back and forth. And why can't daddy just come live with us? I said, that's a question to ask him. Not me.

Nights are lonely without my kids here. And actually even when they are here, I miss that adult interaction of going over our day with each other and just hanging out. Sometimes I really can't believe this is it.

My mom's H was telling me today that he can't get over the fact that my H has this W that is so willing to still try and make it work even after everything he's done. And he doesn't see any value in that. It just blows his mind because so many wives would be gone so long ago. Why can't I just completely let it go?

I know. Because my family and commitment mean more to me than anything in this whole world. If I look at my H and feel nothing then I know that there's nothing more to fight for. But I still look at him and I still feel it and I still desire to be a family again. But I do know that there are great guys all over. Finding single ones is the hard part. Especially single guys who are willing to take on a responsibility of three small children.

Sometimes I don't understand why my H got it so easy... He has someone that in his mind is perfect for him in every way. She was willing to leave her H for him. She's willing to raise his children with him. She's willing to move where ever he needs to be close to his kids.

I cannot believe I've lost my H so quickly over the last year. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy. Just lonely. And when the loneliness kicks in I tend to miss my H even more. I have zero prospects and I know it's going to be difficult. Really difficult. So I don't look forward to it because I know I'll have to learn to trust another man all over again. And I thought I could trust my H with my life. This is going to be a huge struggle for me to overcome.

I don't want to be one of those dates that dwells on past relationships. But in a way... the only thing I know and have had my focus on for the past year is my relationship with my H. Now my mind is more on my work. But how interesting is that? Ha.

For GAL I'm trying to save my money up to get a season pass to a ski resort this winter. My only wish is that I had someone to get it with so we could go on a regular basis together. I guess that will be my goal. To find a friend that would be willing to do that with me. I'd love to get a lot better at skiing and to get out every week and do something extremely active like that would be amazing.

Just some ramblings tonight before I go to bed.