Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Accuray]

I am noticing it seems to be human nature for a lot of people to find a husband or wife and seek out traits that resemble their parents, kind of odd in a way. Maybe it has something to do with the morals, traits and beliefs that many of us had instilled in our upbringing, I don’t know.

We tend to seek a spouse who abuses us in ways we are used to being abused, which is usually the treatment we got from our parents. We're used to coping with that abuse, and therefore it's a comfortable place that makes us feel like ourselves. "Comfortable" is different from "happy", and this tendency can really cause problems for people because they will repeatedly get into relationships with people who don't treat them how they would like to be treated, but DO treat them as they are accustomed to being treated.

The other thing we learn is that what you love about someone is usually the same thing that drives you crazy -- they're just two sides of the same thing. For example, if you love your spouse's spontaneity, you might dislike the fact that they are disorganized or have trouble seeing things through. If you love your spouse's independence, you might dislike that she doesn't need you that much when you want to feel needed. If you love that your spouse is very affectionate, you might hate the fact that they come across as flirtatious. The difficult thing is that you can't have one without the other, because they are the same thing. It takes maturity to realize that if you try to "fix" what you don't like about your spouse, you'll also remove what you most love. That's why relationships are work and require compromise.

Acc, thanks for giving me an update on your sitch. From what you said, it seems like so many things are going well. I am speculating, but it sounds like there’s “one piece missing.” And I am sure it’s a big piece. My guess is it has something to do with the emotional connection. With all sincerity, I wish you nothing but the best.

Yeah the main thing is emotional connection. She's convinced we're just incompatible and sticks with ILYBINILWY and refuses to make any changes or put forth any effort to improve the marriage. She *does* put forth an effort to maintain the status quo, and insists that it's all she wants or needs. I think she's kidding herself and sooner or later the wheels are going to come off the bus. I'm better than being in this position -- that's not a relationship place I'm okay with, but for the sake of my kids and my finances I'm not willing to blow it up today.

Accuray