This is my first post. Like most on here, I am in the middle of a really hard time. Here is my story: I am an Active Duty Marine, been married for 11 years to my W. We have 4 of the GREATEST Children in the world. About 5 months ago, I got the BIG D talk dropped on me. The W had just gotten back from a week vacation visiting her brother in NY. She said that she was just not happy anymore and she thought that she would never be with me again. As with most men, this was my wake up call. Our past 10 years have been far from perfect, but in my eyes it was pretty good. We rarely ever argue, we are both great parents, etc. Our love life has suffered over the past few years because neither of us were meeting each others “love language”. She wanted constant touching and affection(Physical Touch) and I wanted to feel respected and appreciated (Acts of Service). I have always been a very hard worker when it came to providing for my family. I have always looked for providing them with everything that I did not have growing up. I worked and did everything I could to move up the ranks to get more pay to provide what they needed. I know now that wasn’t the greatest perspective to have. Too bad it took this to realize that. She has been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years. For the past few years, it seems like each of us were waiting for the other to act on the others love language before giving in and reciprocating. For me, I would work 12-14 hours a day and come home to a semi messy house, dishes in the sink, shoes and toys scattered throughout the house, etc. The last thing that I wanted to do was be intimate when I was so stressed. I just held it in and did a lot of the picking up and cleaning myself. Her, on the other hand did not want to do things around the house because she did not feel loved and appreciated. It has been a vicious cycle. Another stress in my life and marriage was money. Again, I did not grow up with much so I wanted my kids and wife to have everything they wanted and needed. My wife would constantly be out spending what I brought home buying things that we did not need. I saw this again as disrespectful and a lack of appreciation. She saw it as a coping mechanism to fill the void of my lack of the physical attention. Again a vicious cycle I think my wife may be going through a MLC at this point. She has been a stay at home mom for about the past 14 years (11 with me and a couple in a previous marriage). She has only held a couple of jobs over that 14 year period but nothing long term. She has had a lot of lose over the past couple of years. In 2008, her ex-husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. This was very hard on her and our daughter. There was a lot of family turmoil over his estate and none of it ended well because of the Psycho ex-mother in law. This past November, she lost her father to a long battle with cancer. Her father and mother were divorced when she was 2. Over the past 30 plus years, they have had a very on-again, off-again relationship. He was an alcoholic and never really made a lot of time to see her. They had a few great times together and she has always held on to those. In every definition of the word for a good father, he was the polar opposite, but she does not see those faults which totally baffle my mind. She recently made a comment of how she “respect my dad for the free lifestyle that he lived and the fun that he had”. WTF…. He was an alcoholic how never made time for his children, never paid child support for either of his children, etc… I think his death was what put her over the edge in many ways. Over the course of the last 3 or 4 months, she has made an additional 3 trips back to the area in which she has now found an apartment (still no job). She grew up (teenage years ) in this state and said this is “the last place that she was happy” and “it just feels like home”. After her 3rd trip, she had stated that she did love me and wanted to work on us. I was ecstatic! I began doing more for her, giving her what she wanted in terms of affection, love, etc. I left work early and was at her beck and call. Backfire!!! This did not last long. A couple of weeks into it, I noticed her becoming more distant. When I told her I love you, it seemed her response was luke-warm in returning it. I asked her about it and she said it was hard to explain and if I did not want to be hurt by her response, that I should stop saying it. So I did. A couple of weeks later, I walked into our bedroom and she was lying on the bed looking very sad and upset. When I asked what was wrong, I was blindsided again with the D or separation. I agreed that she seemed unhappy and I would support her in her decision. Part of me feels as if she had an affair while she was away. While all this was going on, I was checking her email and facebook accounts trying to answer some of my questions. I did find several inappropriate messages on her facebook account, but nothing that was solid. I confronted her on these messages and it turned pretty ugly.
I have asked her several times in the past if she is seeing someone and she continuously told me no. She is back at our house this week because she has a friend visiting from France. In a week or so, she will be going back to her new apartment. She will be taking our 3 children back to stay with her for a couple of weeks prior to school starting back up. After that, we have agreed that they will reside with me for this coming school year and once she is established in a new career and home, they will go live with her. I will retire from the military within the next three years and I will have to move around where she is because I will never be more than 30 minutes away from my children. As with most of you, I have made some huge mistakes in my DB journey. All the rules that the Divorce Remedy says not to do, I have done. The constant crying, telling her how I have changed, talking about our future, blah blah. Any of this sound familiar? I am about 2 weeks into using the 180/LRT. It is however a very modified version. Since I have been doing it, I have seen bits of interest from her. Whenever I am away from her (in the house), she comes and finds me to talk. I have started dressing nicer, and she has made several comments about my appearance. If I go out or mention going out, she is very inquisitive about where I am going and who I am going with. I am not however entirely convinced that the LRT/180 will work. To me it may legitimize in her mind that I am o.k. with the D. Guess time will tell. We still talk about our R from time to time, but not in the ways that we did before (me crying, professing love and how I will change to make her happy). I tell her that I will always love her and I want the best for her. I also tell her that I have my hopes and wishes about our relationship but I am not in control of how she feels. I quote the Serenity Prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” and time will tell if its meant to be. I have tried over the last few weeks to GAL. Since my family has always been my life, I never really sought friendship outside of my house. I have many acquaintances , but not a lot of friends. I gave up pretty much every hobby I had because I did not really think I needed them because I had my family. Now the hard part is finding things that I enjoy doing now. Money is definitely tight right now, so finding cheap things to do seems difficult, especially with four children.. The one truly good thing that has came out of all this is I have became a better father. I do more with my kids now, have more patience with them, and I am truly enjoying that. The W has even made comments to some of our mutual friends that I have became a better father. Another good thing is I have lost about 10 pounds in the past couple of months on the Divorce Diet. She has commented that I probably look better now, than when we got married. I am actually getting my 6-pack back. Been a long time since I have seen that! I guess I am just rambling at this point. Some of you veteran DBers can probably decipher through this mess and find some type of encouragement for me. At this point I am an emotional wreck. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t get her out of my mind. I can’t quit blaming myself for where we are. I know that she had her faults to, but for now all I can focus on are mine. I have always tried to be the best husband I can be. I have never strayed, gone out to bars, or any of that. Guess I really just need to find my serenity and GAL. Thanks for reading my ramblings. More to follow.
AManLost, I see no one has posted to you yet. So sorry that you are here, but you have certainly found the best place to talk with people who sympathize with how you feel.
You seem to have a solid understanding of DB. I too struggle with the fear that my GAL, AAI will give my spouse the impression that it is ok for him to follow through with D plans because he knows I will be fine. Sometimes I think, wouldn't it be better for him to stay because he is worried I will go off the deep end? But, alas, no it doesn't work that way. They have to do what is right for them. If you GAL and AAI and be the man she fell in love with, she would be a fool to end it.
Keep up the good work, post here often with your questions, and many people will be around to support you.
Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5 T: 15/ M: 8 Rock bottom: 4/11 ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before Gaining acceptance: 8/11
You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
a_man_lost , i really feel for you my friend and can see many simalarities in your sitch with mine , like the friendships and hobbies bit , and you trying to be the best husband and dad you could be for your family . Your W sounds like shes had a lot on her plate emotionally recently , maybe shes just got to digest everything and get closure on some things and she will be a lot more receptive . I hope so and i hope you keep up the good work . Ive also got to GAL from somewhere . Ill look out for you mate .
My situation is like many other on here. Wife dropped the D-bomb and ILYBNILWY 04/11. I begged, pleaded, cried…. Etc for the next few months without prevail. I was blamed of course for the entire demise of our marriage. I wasn’t emotionally attached as much as I should be. I wasn’t physically attentive as much as I should have been. ETC. Etc. Etc…. I have always busted my a$$ to provide my family with the best I could. I grew up without a father really and a single mother that worked two jobs to provide for my brother and I. I never yelled at her, was physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. Did not drink, drugs, etc., don’t play video games, or go out. Her father had passed away the previous year in November and it affected her greatly. Her father was an Alcoholic that rarely made time to see her when she was growing up. Her parents divorced when she was about 4, and she had a lot of disappointments with him (forgotten to get picked up on his weekends, broken promises, or simply no contact for MONTHS! When we first got married, she would say how bad of a father he was. He was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, and everything changed. He was always a great guy, and did the greatest things, etc. He did no wrong. BTW, he owed 30K dollars in back child support when he died. So, found evidence of an EA starting back in 01/11 and continued through when she left. She moved out (several states away) on 08/11. It was where she had lived during her teenage years and apparently “was the last place” she was happy and by the way close to where one of the people she had the EA with. I am an Active Duty Marine stationed in Virginia and I was left as a Single Father to our 4 children, ages 15 (SD), 10 (S), 9 (S) and 4 (D). She would call every few days and seemed to like to play mommy from afar. She would drive from her new “home” every three to four weeks for the weekend to see the kids, just to turn and go back. When she was at our “family” home, she acted with such a sense of entitlement while there. Finances (I was still expected to pay all the bills and give her money for fuel for her travels), the house (critiquing things that were done or not done), the kids, even wanting to sleep in the marital bed with me… You name it, she felt as if she had say in everything. She even wanted to cuddle at night while we slept. Like a man whipped, I did not say anything negative, just pleading with her to come back.. When that happened, I was “smothering her” and why could I “just be” as she called it. What the hell is that anyway? This went on for several months. I had read Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy and Five Love Languages cover to cover, back to front, side to side. I just could not apply what they talked about. I went through the telephone coaching and it was OK, but again could not apply anything. I would have a strong couple of days, but would always revert back. I was so weak. I sensed there was something more (possible PA), but of course could never find anything. The kids and I went to visit her in her 1 bedroom apartment in early Feb 12 (on our Anniversary). I also had a business meeting that same week close to her, so figured it would work out. Again, she wanted to cuddle up next to me at night, act as a family, etc., until the R talk came up. Then she got angry again, asking why I couldn’t just let her breath!! She was the quintessential CAKE EATER. That’s when I said enough was enough. I left the next day with the kids and drove back to VA. That night, I went dark. She would call and talk to the kids, and I refuse to talk to her. She would text, and I wouldn’t respond. If I would answer the phone when she called, I would just say “hang on” and pass the phone off to the kids. At first she would blast me in text asking why I was ignoring her, she would send agree texts and phone messages saying that I was acting so “mature”. I simply told her I was giving her what she wanted. Two of our children have birthdays at the end of Feb, so it rolled around. I didn’t know what to expect when she came. She called a day or so she was supposed to leave her new home and come for a visit for the kids b-days. I spoke with her at length this time but was very short to the point, but pleasant. She had stated that she really wanted to talk to me when she got to VA. I said ok. A couple of days into the trip, and after the kids went to bed she wanted to have a talk. At this point, she pulled a new wedding band from her pocket and “proposed kinda” asking If I would continue to be married. I looked at her and the ring for a long time. I said I wasn’t sure and needed time to think. I had so much hurt, I was unsure. I had felt so much betrayal, pain, fatigue, everything. I just didn’t know.! Well after a while, I said yes. So we made plans for her to move back. She moved back in Apr 12. Since she has been back, we have had a few rough spells, a few great spells, but for the most part the status quo of a normal marriage. Every time we have an argument, it seems like she says things aren’t working out and she’s not sure that the marriage is going to work. Everytime though, I kiss up, profess that I’ ll change and things move on. Some good days, some bad, mostly status quo. Three days ago, I got the “this is not going to work out speech again”. I tried again, to say we can make this work but we both have to try. She admitted that she has not been trying because it seems like I have not changed at all. It seems that I am the one that is supposed to do all the changing. In my opinion, I have made a lot of changes. I no longer work long hours. I rarely travel. When I am home, I try to spend time with her. She continues to go out with friends (most of which are single in their 20s), she’s secretive when it comes to her personal life on Facebook, etc., she seems like she wants to be alone when she is home. I am left to feel like a live-in “baby sitter for our kids. So after being told this was not going to work, I told her that I planned on moving out soon. She had asked where I planned on living, since money is definitely tight right now. I said that I was going to sleep at work, in my truck, or wherever. I told her that the state of Virginia requires total physical separation for one year in order to be granted a divorce. She said that that was silly, and we should both just stay in the house for the kids and did not really respond to any other conversation about the divorce/separation. Right now, I have moved into the basement and am trying to have as little contact, conversations, and overall interaction with her as possible. It is extremely difficult with the children because they are my WHOLE WORLD. Again, I feel that if she had it her way, I would just stay in the house, take care of whatever needs taken care of, cook, clean, etc., and she can have freedom to do what she wants because she knows the kids would be taken care of. I really do not have a life outside of the house. I have friends in the neighborhood but that’s pretty much it. A cookout and a few beers every once in a while is my only real interactions with my “friends”. I am so torn at this point of what to really do. Part of me (the scornful a-hole in me) wants to move out and have her be forced to act like a mother and grown up. I want her to feel the strain of being a “single parent”. As of now, I do all the grocery shopping, probably 75% or more of the cooking, herd the kids to the shower/bath, household maintenance, the majority of the cleaning, etc. I also work full time and am a full time Grad Student. She takes one class, one day a week at the local community college and is doing an internship at the local Gym, as a part of her college requirements. The other part of me wants to agree to both remain in the house, and continue to do what I am doing because again, my kids are my world. I just feel my self-respect and dignity are in the dumps right now. At the end of the day, I would like to remain married to my wife. Sometimes I don’t know why! The more time goes on, the more I feel walked on and it’s taking a toll on me mentally. I know I have rambled a lot, but if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. Expert opinions would also be appreciated.
Is there anyone that can read this (Repost above) and help?
Should I continue to stay in the house?
Pros: 1. I still see my children every day. 2. If I use the GAL and 180 effectively, she can possibly see the positive changes and want to work on the marriage.
Cons: 1. I won't see my kids every day!! 2. I'm still going to feel like I'm being walked on. Like a live in "Babysitter". 3. I'm still going to be "jealous" and have the potential to profess my love and hope for the marriage again.
If I do move out, the pro/cons will be mostly the same. I'm just so lost right now and have no idea what to do. If ANYONE has an opinion, I would greatly appreciate someones insight.
Is there anyone that can read this (Repost above) and help?
Should I continue to stay in the house?
As Cadet said, STAY!! If your W wants to S, then that's on her. Force her to make the hard decisions and live with the repercussions. Moving is a very unpleasant experience, it'll be the first step in your W realizing her vision of paradise isn't reality. Also chances are good that your kids see your place as home base and will see your W's place as foreign, strange and uncomfortable. They will likely want to spend more time with you at home. My W just moved out recently and I've seen these very things play out as described above.
Cadet, Thanks so much for the response. I am so torn on what to do. If I stay in he house, I feel that I am ultimately going to be used as a pawn. She will have the freedom to do what she wants without a worry in the world. Right now I think she expects me to stay. She expects me to be the "great provider" as she has called me. It I stay, I am afraid my jealousy will show when she goes "out with friends"! I feel that just moving back in the MBR will cause huge issues.
I agree that she moved out once so what entitles her to the MBR. The truth is I don't know. When I did it I was being a "wuss" like I've been since this all started. I don't know!!!!
