When this all started we agreed that house would always be safe from OPs, as well as not to introduce the OPs to the kids for quite some time, if it is to occur. Last week W stated that it would be inevitable. But that it would be awhile. At this point I'm honestly just still in shock that she invited him here with the kids. It's more of a boundary issue, not an ultimatum.
My gut response upon hearing this was of course anger due to the betrayal by her yet again; along with wanting to tell her "pack your bags and get out". A few minutes later though I calmed myself down / detached. So that's why I posted seeking some advice in how to deal with it with her it not. A part days, what's the point, she'll do whatever she wants anyways. I'm really stuck on this one.
Afa, you are right. I think you've got to be clear on this one and bring it up when you talk to her. In a calm manner, remind her of your agreement and listen to what she has to say. Ask questions. Show you are actually listening. Then try to come up with an agreement that both of you have created, and repeat it so it is understood by both parties.
This is a very tough situation. My H never openly saw the OW. He lied and lied instead. Every time I found out about the lies, I would lose more of the trust. He said he lied bc he didn't want to hurt me. He also said that in his mind, he justified the A and didn't feel guilty about it. I think that's what your W is doing; she's telling herself that she's done with the M and she's exploring her options so it's okay--even though it is totally NOT ok.
It was in Sept of last yr when I found out he had remained in touch with the OW even though he had sworn the would never contact her again and had moved back into the house. That day I called my lawyer, and told him I had filed for D. He was in shock, and said he would commit to the M, to please stop the D. So the D filing did it. I wonder if it's time for you to think of an ultimatum or at least draw a bottom line. Read "Too good to leave, too bad to stay." It's a good book. Hope I helped. I know how hard this is...
But that's not a boundary, as I understand boundaries. That's an agreement without consequences.
Think about the front door of your house being a boundary. If someone comes in your house uninvited you can say "When you walk in my door uninvited it is disrespectful. If you do that again, I will call the police." (I'm not saying you should do this with OM, this is just an example.)
In your case you could say "W, we agreed you would not bring OM into our house. If you do that again I will_________" Only you know what your bottom line is but a boundary must have a consequence or it is just a wish and a prayer.
Boundaries must be clearly stated and you must be willing to follow through on the consequence.
Is that clearer?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Tori, as always thank you or your input. I have arranged a consult with a L just to know my rights, the process, and the law itself in my state.
Labug, I get what your saying now. We never drew out any consequences for breaking what I called a boundary. Main 3 options I can think of for a consequence would be: call the cops (yeah, that's not practical or effective for a variety of reasons), I could threaten her with the D that she wants, or actually tell her she will have to leave our home and find housing elsewhere (that' s probably what I will issue). Thoughts?
Afa, the consequence of leaving the home makes sense. You must be prepared for her to actually do this, though. Maybe she won't, but don't be surprised.
The D filing would be the next step, but be prepared to follow through too. I think that might've been one of my major mistakes. I told my H that I would end our marriage if his EA turned into a PA. He had the PA and I still gave him another chance. Then, I told him one more contact with the OW and I was out, so he continued contacting her and when I found out, I did call the lawyer, but stopped the process when he asked me to do so. Finally, I told him I would end things if he decided to date other women while separated. He said he had made the decision to date other women in April (even though he hasn't dated anyone,) and I haven't ended anything.
But I do know that if I find out he is dating someone, I'm filing immediately. I guess this has helped me find my real bottom line. Think about this for a while: what is your real bottom line? Then, communicate it and follow through with it.
