Is db for me?

[Brit45]

I agree with what Cadet said only you can answer those questions about whether you want to stand for your marriage. I will say that whatever you decide people on this board will be there for you. When you want to vent, or cry, or laugh, they've been there. other people in your life will tell you things that they think will make it easier "you deserve better" "you should move on" "he's a xxxx" but none of that makes it easier because he is the man you chose to spend your life with and it doesn't stop the hurt. Here people GET that.

Take ALL the time you need to decide those tough questions you mentioned. What are you doing to GAL and focus on you?

[Lasa]

Thanks for all of your replies. I have filed for divorce as I find this situation unbearable. It is very difficult to be confronted by this much disrespect on a daily basis. My h has posted photos of himself and ow all over Facebook on holiday with other teachers from my children's school. If I have to hear one more parent say how sorry they are for my situation I may choke!
I loved my husband and I wou,d do it all again to get the four amazing beings we created. I just cannot do this anymore. I cannot reconcile this man with the man I married.
My h has been telling anyone who will listen how miserable our life was. We had some tough times but we also had some amazing times. I know I contributed to this situation and I wish my h had given us a chance to face our issues and sort our stuff out without walking out altogether. I think I am better off without a person who can behave like this anyway.

[Lasa]

My children returned from their weekend with their father today. The first thing my d (7) told me was that they had had lunch with the teacher that my husband is having relationship with and one of her sons. I asked why they would do this and they said "I don't know". My son (9) is very bright and will be very confused this situation. He is seeing a psychologist and she told my husband that it is too soon to introduce the teacher into the mix as the children are really shocked and surprised by our breakup and are having a difficult time processing everything. Why would my husband defy her recommendations and do this to our children. It is so selfish.

I know that I have a huge part to play in the demise of our relationship. I have punished my husband for things and held grudges unnecessarily. We fell into a pattern of blaming and sulking. I have spent a great deal of time wishing I could do things differently. My husband is very much into physical touch and I punished him by withholding this and we got into a pattern. I spent many nights thinking I should just reach out to him and I didn't because pride got in my way.

My husband has no desire to salvage our relationship. I do believe he is wired differently to others. There has never been one moment of regret or remorse or apology for the pain or humiliation he has caused me or the children by the public way our breakup has occurred. I am a private person and my breakup is open to public gossip by the whole school and town network. So selfish if my husband. He says it us all my fault. I have confided in two people. My husband has been away with his new partner several times and has been seen out with her. We live in a very small expat community so everyone knows all. My husband stood in our kitchen 5 months ago a and promised he would never disrespect me by going out with a teacher from the children's school. Liar

My husband now wants me to attend a theme park with our 7 y/o for her birthday. I must add that when we told the children we were separating, something i did not want to do, he promised the children we were friends and we would go on holiday together. Since then he has spent a ridiculous amount of money preventing me from holidaying with him and the older children because he was pissed off with me for changing the locks on our house.I do not want to give my children false hope but I do not want my husband to miss out on the fabulous new me. What do I do?

[newman7977]

Lasa sorry you are in this sitch. I read somewhere in this board not to try to make sense on any of this otherwise you'd go nuts. The WAS' behavior is really hard to understand. This is what I'm telling myself also. You have some good advice here. I don't have much to offer since I'm new to this also but I can relate to your pain.

The "let go" post is great. I don't think I've read that before. I will add to my post so that I have it handy.

newman

[MrBond]

You know you mention alot about your H's faults. And how even though you played a part, it's ultimately his fault for the breakdown. Quite honestly, the reason why you've been unsuccessful is that you can't own up to your part fully.

You mention that he's "not the person you married" and all the problems you went through together. I don't think you realized how much those issues affected him. Over the course of years, YOU changed him the most.

In fact, you say that he's disrespectful for telling everyone about new OW. He really isn't. That's just how YOU feel. YOU would rather keep it quiet. Many of this can be avoided if you stopped thinking about you for a change and really started thinking about HIS NEEDS and be compassionate to them.

For the most part you have to get rid of the resentment and anger. If you truly own your part to the breakdown, then you shouldn't have the resentment any way because you were at fault too. Just because he doesn't feel like working thing out right now, doesn't make things wrong. You want things according to YOUR timeline. Unfortunately it has to be HIS timeline that you have to pay attention to.

[Lasa]

Mr Bond, I completely own my part in my marriage breakdown . My biggest concern at this point in time is my childrens emotional wellbeing. They are confused and devastated by our breakup. My husband has been advised by the psychologist that is treating our son that it would be detrimental to our son if he were to learn that his father is in relationship withna teacher from his school. My husband has been ramming that relationship down my children's throats for the last three weeks, since the psychologist gave him her advice. Why should I consider my husbands emotional needs? I am daily assaulted by husband as he spews forth his venom, no matter how I approach him he replies with vitriol and hatred. I loved this man and I know we both contributed to the demise of our relationship but when it is breaking down you must think of the children first and this is never happening with my husband. I also find it difficult to db when I wake up every day and have a knot in my stomach about what my husband will beat me up about for the day, every day brings a new spew of hate, I am attempting no contact as I am worn out from the jibes.

[MrBond]

"Why should I consider my husbands emotional needs?"

Because you were the one who wanted to save the M and make things right.

Alright, you say your H has been cutting you down, etc. How do you react? I would say it's time for you to change your reaction to the opposite to get the opposite reaction from him.

Maybe even take a TRO on him. Keep all negative texts from him and demeaning messages. Discuss things with your son's school about the teacher and that the actions of their employee is having detrimental affects on your child.

[2chiquitos]

DB is more about taking care of you so you can take care of your M. When you wake up with a knot in your stomach because you're already foreseeing the conflict H will throw at you, redirect your thoughts.

The second he starts unloading on you WALK AWAY! Set your boundaries immediately! Keep your cool if you need to address something and if it gets really bad, do it via text or email.

Take care of LASA!