Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

[Denver_2010]

Rough,

The fact that she seems paranoid about you dating is a good thing. When she says that you would have her blessing, don't believe it for a minute. She's nervous that you're going to move on before she's made her decision on whether or not she is done and that's making her uncomfortable

A bit of mind reading here, but I tend to agree. She wouldn't be asking if she didn't care.

If she were dating or had OM involved, she wouldn't care what you were doing at all.

I don't agree with this at all Acc. Sorry man. My W cared VERY much about what I was doing and if I was dating... even when she had OM in her life.

But, that's not to say that I think that there is an OM Rough. I'm just don't think that her asking you if YOU are dating tells us anything about what she is doing.

[Accuray]

Fair points Denver. When my W was involved with OM I could have lit myself on fire and rode a unicycle around the kitchen juggling chainsaws and I don't think she would have noticed. My sister cheated on her husband and same thing, she had tunnel vision for the guy and my brother-in-law was invisible. Every sitch is different, I only have two data points of personal observation plus my readings here. I supposed in some cases the cheating WAS would feel less guilty if the LBS started dating too.

Accuray

[Denver_2010]

Fair points Denver. When my W was involved with OM I could have lit myself on fire and rode a unicycle around the kitchen juggling chainsaws and I don't think she would have noticed. My sister cheated on her husband and same thing, she had tunnel vision for the guy and my brother-in-law was invisible. Every sitch is different, I only have two data points of personal observation plus my readings here. I supposed in some cases the cheating WAS would feel less guilty if the LBS started dating too.

Accuray

LOL! No, I'm not saying that my W would have cared if I lit myself on fire, she probably wouldn't have! But she definitely cared if I was dating!

[Arsene]

Fair points Denver. When my W was involved with OM I could have lit myself on fire and rode a unicycle around the kitchen juggling chainsaws and I don't think she would have noticed. My sister cheated on her husband and same thing, she had tunnel vision for the guy and my brother-in-law was invisible. Every sitch is different, I only have two data points of personal observation plus my readings here. I supposed in some cases the cheating WAS would feel less guilty if the LBS started dating too.

Accuray

That seems to be the case with my W. In the past, she'd even recommended a few women to me telling me it would make me feel better and make it easier on me. I'd reply that it would make HER feel better and make it easier on HER.

The funny thing is that she came at me with venom and demands for divorce when she thought I was seeing someone. No point in trying to read their minds.

Right now, she is still in A but also seems somewhat interested in what I do. Every sitch is indeed different.

[roughenough]

Thanks a lot Acc and Denver, I really appreciate it! In terms of my job, your pretty much right Accuray. It’s a sales focused position. I’ve had the same profession for so many years and I’ve know a lot of my clients for 10 plus years so at times it doesn’t seem to have a sales feel to it. But at the end of day, yes it’s a sales position. It’s not a huge office and there’s not an enormous fluctuation in our incomes. That’s not to say I couldn’t make good money. I am getting an ok paycheck for now and the benefits are good so I owe it to myself to at least give it a couple more months before I start looking for another opportunity. It's just frustrating because I am in my money making years right now, I am at my prime, I should be capturing the coin.

Acc, good memory in regards to my W being “who she is” and “how she was raised”. As I’ve mentioned before, W wants me to be like her dad. I am noticing it seems to be human nature for a lot of people to find a husband or wife and seek out traits that resemble their parents, kind of odd in a way. Maybe it has something to do with the morals, traits and beliefs that many of us had instilled in our upbringing, I don’t know.

I went to a neighborhood party last night and I had no idea what it would be like. I quickly realized it was more like a geriatric convention. I guess that could be good or bad depending on how I look at it. I didn’t have to worry about being tempted by any eye candy, that’s for sure.

Acc, thanks for giving me an update on your sitch. From what you said, it seems like so many things are going well. I am speculating, but it sounds like there’s “one piece missing.” And I am sure it’s a big piece. My guess is it has something to do with the emotional connection. With all sincerity, I wish you nothing but the best.

[Accuray]

I am noticing it seems to be human nature for a lot of people to find a husband or wife and seek out traits that resemble their parents, kind of odd in a way. Maybe it has something to do with the morals, traits and beliefs that many of us had instilled in our upbringing, I don’t know.

We tend to seek a spouse who abuses us in ways we are used to being abused, which is usually the treatment we got from our parents. We're used to coping with that abuse, and therefore it's a comfortable place that makes us feel like ourselves. "Comfortable" is different from "happy", and this tendency can really cause problems for people because they will repeatedly get into relationships with people who don't treat them how they would like to be treated, but DO treat them as they are accustomed to being treated.

The other thing we learn is that what you love about someone is usually the same thing that drives you crazy -- they're just two sides of the same thing. For example, if you love your spouse's spontaneity, you might dislike the fact that they are disorganized or have trouble seeing things through. If you love your spouse's independence, you might dislike that she doesn't need you that much when you want to feel needed. If you love that your spouse is very affectionate, you might hate the fact that they come across as flirtatious. The difficult thing is that you can't have one without the other, because they are the same thing. It takes maturity to realize that if you try to "fix" what you don't like about your spouse, you'll also remove what you most love. That's why relationships are work and require compromise.

Acc, thanks for giving me an update on your sitch. From what you said, it seems like so many things are going well. I am speculating, but it sounds like there’s “one piece missing.” And I am sure it’s a big piece. My guess is it has something to do with the emotional connection. With all sincerity, I wish you nothing but the best.

Yeah the main thing is emotional connection. She's convinced we're just incompatible and sticks with ILYBINILWY and refuses to make any changes or put forth any effort to improve the marriage. She *does* put forth an effort to maintain the status quo, and insists that it's all she wants or needs. I think she's kidding herself and sooner or later the wheels are going to come off the bus. I'm better than being in this position -- that's not a relationship place I'm okay with, but for the sake of my kids and my finances I'm not willing to blow it up today.

Accuray