sheesh vero - are you on a determined mission tonight to make me laugh so hard that there's no way i'll stop - ever!!
why i'm laughing is because it's uncanny - I did think that!!
at least that he had something to do with it. i know it's crazy, but while s and i were in Houston last week, i couldn't help wondering if h stopped by the house and "looked around" but that is ridiculous - he certainly didn't use it.
as for what you wrote;
Only until I can let out my anger in positive ways will I truly feel like the person I've always wanted to be.
if you could reframe that it may help you in unexpected ways.
Instead of thinking that could you think something like.
"I feel safe to face the betrayal and hurt that I feel right now. " (or whatever your real emotions are behind the anger)
"I feel safe in knowing that I am able to separate those feelings from the feelings of love and nurturing that I have for my children"
"My deep love for my children can and will override the negative emotions that I feel towards my H and ow"
one thing that you have to really really start believing with NO DOUBT in your heart , is that you can heal your children by healing yourself. Start with you, and the rest will just come , vero, I promise
I am curious that you put it as "letting your anger out" . what does that mean for you?
How do you see yourself letting the anger out in a positive way - can you imagine it literally?
How will you feel when that anger is let out? What will you do differently?
If you can let yourself imagine those things, guess what - you can circumvent the entire process by just doing already what you imagine you would be doing if you weren't angry. can you see how that may work?
what really helped me not go to the anger place and still does, was to start developing compassion - for myself and for others - especially h and ow. and that i learned from Pema.
in the first week after BD, a friend walked up to me at school and handed me Pema's first book. all she said was, i think this could help you now.
she gave me an incredibly wonderful gift that day..
vero - you have it in you already you know? all the love and compassion and caring and nurturing. you just have to let it blossom and trust that you can.
you don't need a kick in the back side - you need a boost to your self esteem as a mother. and that you can surely give to yourself.
"I am a wonderful caring nurturing mother and I have all the skills and ability to make my darling children feel nurtured and cared for completely"
{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}} zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Being a mom of 2 little ones is the hardest thing in the world.
You seem like you know what the right behavior for you is.
I do myself use a combination of attachment me parenting and the occasional time out. I never use time out when the kids are melting down, when they are melting down they either need a hug or sleep.
Whenever I feel like I am losing it more with the kids I know I have to do something for myself. If you need to hire a babysitter to get to a Alanon meeting hire a babysitter. Give that to yourself.
Sometimes I skip meetings cause I think "well my kids need me at home", the truth is most importantly they need a sane and calm mother. Take care of yourself and your kids and hire a sitter for meetings (in my area there are some family meetings where you can bring kids)
Also whenever I feel crazy, I have a cleaning lady come.
My final tip, I have become friends with a 12 year old girl on the block who loves to come over and play with my kids. I pay her $5 an hour. (you may be able to find a girl on craigslist) I don't leave the house while she is here but it gives me time to do stuff around the house or check these boards or take a shower.
Go easy on yourself. You are doing a great job in a very hard sitch.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Vero, you might want to check out a group called Echo Parenting here in LA. They do classes on how to raise children non-violently using empathy as the main technique. I took a class through them and found it very, very, very helpful. Great lessons for any R.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thank you Zig! I will definitely reread your post and take a lot of time to reflect on your words. I started doing the following to let out my anger in positive ways, gardening (pulling weeds), picking up dog poop (we have a mastiff so that stuff is massive!), walking, journaling, praying, meditating, reading. I need to continue in order to not lose the momentum.
Thank you Brooke! I love that you have two little ones and know the stress of trying to attend to both at the same time. I will definitely consider asking my friend's (neighbor's) 13yo daughter to come by once in a while for $5/hr. She wants to teach her daughter responsibility and this may help ;-)
Thank you soo much RLA!! I looked it up! Echo Park is not far from me at all! I completely agree with their philosophy!
Have a great Sunday everyone!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I have a lot to journal today. Not enough time this morning. Long story short.
My friend came over to talk about our previous discussion. This is the 3rd time she wants to know if we're "ok". First time I thought I had made myself clear. "we're ok but I don't want to talk about 'it' anymore. So let's just move on." Second time I repeated myself and she cried. This time she left crying!
Seriously!!?? I told her. "I'm sorry but I can't focus more on this discussion. I need to focus on myself." She is so d@mn needy! I think she wants me to apologize for what I said and drag on the talk so that I can make her feel better.
I'm not going there! I told her. "I'm not ignoring you're feelings. I just can't address them." I also said, "I hope you never go through what I went through, but if you do I will be your closest friend."
All in all it was too much for me. I could feel myself spiraling and I was beginning to feel frustrated with her.
After she left I should've called a friend or journaled or read some meditation books. I thought I was fine but last night I had a meltdown.
H came home with S4 and I ditched my crying D1 once he came in. He didn't know what had happened. I just said, "i'll be back. I need to get out of here."
I came back 10min later but H had taken the kids for a drive to calm D1. He gave me enough time to shower and relax. He really is the best.
I told him what happened and I felt so much better. It always helps to talk.
So my friend and her husband will be at my brother's wedding this Sat. I will not be indifferent with them. Act as if!
I'm seriously tired of this!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
i understand what you mean about our friends trying to discuss the issue.
We know it is out of concern...they want us to be protected and safe....and they probably feel helpless because they really can't fix anything yet they see us in pain.
They want us to take a hard stance, and in their eyes they don't see us doing this. They think we are soft in the head, or doormats.
Anyway, i experience this too to be honest. And its hard.
I think you did fine. And it was good to take some time out for yourself. Maybe you can approach your friend when you are ready and try and explain again why it hurts so much and how it has nothing to do with her but this is a boundary you need to protect yourself right now.
love you
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you busting. I still feel the aftermath and feel drained by it all. I'm tired of apologizing and explaining myself.
Aside from that I need some help tonite. I'm having such a difficult time thought stopping. I looked up Pema's sight and found it fascinating! I read the part on using patience as an antidote for anger/aggression.
Can anyone else give their insight as to how they do this?? Brit? Zig?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
