busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Agreed to give up is the easy way out.

What a night. I slept though which is good but woke very early thinking things through.

Lots of thoughts this morning, part of it is why we're not sleeping together. What is it accomplishing, well mainly to help me contain my urge to ML to her. This was W biggest complaint while working through our R. My urge to feel her love through ML that I pressured her and this built more resentment. Towards the last two weeks I was able to control myself. This is my biggest fault but I think this is my language of love...this and quality time is what scored high for me in the book 5LL. So no ML for now=180 for me.

The next thought, is the cheese less tunnel. 4 months after the affair we lived in the same roof. I detached and GAL which made me better, but I know I still have LOTS of work to do. But living in the same roof is not working, W after OM contact her she's hooked. Part of her cloud is that she'll be happy if we get divorce. So my thing is why not give her a preview of what she's asking for. I will propose to her to act as if we are divorced.

We will act the custody of the kids 50/50, I will stay w my mom the days she stay with the kids and take the kids on my turn. This way she can sort through her feelings and find out for herself is this really what she wants? I think this is the last chance to save my marriage. If she's truly happy without me in the picture then I accept. If she wants her family the better.

This is no what I want but this is the life she thinks will make her happy.


What do you guys think? Any harm in his that I'm missing?
Newman

[newman7977]

Bumping this up really need your input. Thanks

[unbidden]

What about asking her to go to a Retrouvaille weekend? See www.helpourmarriage.org.

[2chiquitos]

If you need to separate for your sanity then do it. If it will help your Marriage, then do it. But don't do it because you want to teach her lesson. This may/not backfire.

Con't GAL and working on yourself. Stop trying to bust her. It will take her time to detach from OM and by you busting her (pressuring) she will struggle more.

[newman7977]

unbidden I will look into Retrouvaille.

Vero, thanks for your input. Not trying to teach her a lesson, actually it is a lesson to both of us as we will see a preview of what a divorce life will feel like. This will be equally hard for me just like W. Because we will only have the kids half the time each.

I'm not sure where will we be in a few months, but we will do trial separation for 6 months with agreement that no OP will be involved while we work on us to be better. W agreed and so next week we start. She will stay with SIL, which is good because she can really support her during these next coming months.

I will continue to GAL and work on myself. I used to fear separation, I somewhat still do but not much because I will use this time to be strong and confident and that I will be ok with or without my W as part of my 180.

We will continue counseling during these six months. We are also looking for marriage counseling/coaching. Because so far, we're only doing IC and its really not helping us.

In a way this will help my sanity. I was out of line yesterday by grilling her regarding OM. So in this trial separation, at least I wont feel obsess about all of this.

I will act no expectations on all of this maybe in a few days I will believe that.

So next chapter start next week. How hard would this be I don't know. I know I'll be back here to journal.

Thanks to this website. I don't feel alone.

Btw, she's reading 5LL good sign.

Newman

[Denver_2010]

This will be interesting. I hope that it works for you Newman. I hope that you keep journaling here.

[newman7977]

Jornaling--

Only had 3 hours of sleep last night. All day I just took it easy and spent time with my family. Continued to interact with my kids, s3 is very attached to me. W looked depress at the same time content with the kids. We still feel like we're just roommates.

We talked to d17 last night about the trial separation. Broke my heart to see her sadness and frustrations but we encouraged her to express her feelings which she did.

I'm still torn about the separation next week. But I feel like it will help us. Because it will be different from what we tried last 4 months living in the same roof. So during this separation, I will continue to work on myself and GAL. I hope W find her way back to our marriage.

I need to keep reminding myself to detach. Right now I feel like just hugging W and giving her a kiss this is so tough, but I know that will be pursuing her. When I feel that I just walk away. I suppose I can try and see how'd she will react.

I hope I get enough sleep, in the morning my GAL will be to exercise.

Denver, any more thoughts behind why this is interesting?

I welcome all other thoughts and comments thanks all.

Newman

[newman7977]

Journaling again--

I just can't sleep I figure I write what I'm feeling right now. I'm going through emotions again. The same pain is back the same way as when I found out the EA back in April. I'm frustrated, anxious, angry, sad, and very disappointed in what is transpiring in my life. I don't understand, I was getting stronger before.

I have to work back at it. I got to remind myself I can not control what W does. But my emotions are taking over right now. I guess I have to go through it and grieve so that I can focus back on my 180s and GAL.

This is worst, I never had to endure anything like this in my life. I'm digging in me to find the strength. I'm not a patient man and I think that's why I'm struggling because this requires patience.

I love my wife but she doesn't love me. She said she's in love wig OM but through what, 7months of emails. How could that be even possible? How could she only remember the bad things in our marriage. Who was there when she was sick, it was me. The daily life struggles, I'm there. With the kids, I'm there. Sure maybe there are days that I wasn't enough, but I thought I did a decent job.

I'm just venting...I feel like screaming but that would wake up my family and neighbors that wouldn't be good -- I write.

Newman

[newman7977]

I had to get out of the house I'm just simply going insane. Every time I see W on her phone and laptop my brain just go nuts thinking she's communicating with OM.

I have to find myself again. I know I'm stronger than this, I just can't allow this to mess me up. I have to strike everything out and focus on kids and myself. I'm letting this weekend grieve. I hope tomorrow I can do my 180s and GAL again back to work. First I have to get some sleep at night.

We will try separation this week. Hope this really help me from these obsessions. Get clear thoughts on what directions my life would be. What do I really want? I feel confused right now.

Newman

[newman7977]

I'm just posting this "let-go" from another poster so it's handy for me to read anytime:
---------------------------------------------

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
...
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.