Thanks Tori, your words do help. I'm sorry that last year was a bad year. I think a big part of the message that was conveyed to her via the email and a part of our conversation was that I'm not going to sit around and wait for her endlessly. Allowing her to trample or use me as she sees fit. I just need to continue backing that up with actions. During our talk she told me the "i need to date" line. I told her I didn't want to date anyone,YET. Also, fortunately for me, when I don't bring up OM, she normally offers up info herself. I just remind myself not to believe what she says. E.g. Last Sunday she had genuine feelings for him, last might she said it was becoming more of a friend thing. So who knows. I fairly certain she doesn't. Time will twll, and is on my side to work on me.
Side note, anyone else experience mornings a little tougher? The whole such tugging at your heart til you truly wake up and getting going about tour day?
Journal / Vent Today started off pretty relaxing. Dripped S7 off at school and then S2 and I Hung for awhile. I drooped S2 off at my parents so I could go see my C. He is a nice guy, not a solution oriented focus, but he does understand where I'm coming from and supports the DB method / me. He is well versed though un CoDependency, do he can definitely help me help myself. W sent a few general "how are you texts.". She initiated, I delayed in response. So W is supposed to be babysitting our neice tonight. Get SIS arrives before she gets home. I get along well with SIS and love the neice. She's adorable. Anyways, SIS asks if I'm going out. I say yep. She then says I hear you went on a date. I said What? Evidently W is telling others that I'm okay with us dating others. I politely corrected her and shared that I have not, nor do I like the idea. SIS responds, yeah, I thought W was lieing about it. So thumbs up to the W for living up to the phrase if don't "believe anything they say". Guess I'm fortunate that family and friends know me better than the lies she's spewing in an attempt to villianize me / justify her actions so she can sleep better at night. Ok, now that's off my chest, time to go spend time with a good friend of mine and do some demo work at his house.
Afa, my H went through the same thing. He said he wouldn't feel "free" unless he could date other women during our separation. I initially said no way, that I would want a divorce if that was the case. So in April he said he felt the same and wanted a D. Since then, he hasn't dated anyone...I wonder if your W is just looking for a reaction when she says she wants to date. I would try to avoid this type of conversation. If she starts it, you can switch the topic or say you have to go or whatever. Don't give her the chance to say stuff like that to you. Yes, mornings and evenings are the toughest. I've had a rough time the whole week. My H has been MIA for a week already, for no apparent reason other than we got really close a couple of weeks ago when we went for the hot air balloon ride. He wouldn't stop holding me and the whole day was like nothing wrong was happening. After that, he pretty much pulled away completely. It's the whole touch and go thing, but I thought we were over that. I wonder if he spoke with anyone. This is hard.
I often feel like giving up, and then I feel like I have no purpose or future. I know, it's not true, but that's how I feel. I make myself snap out of it, but it returns... Have a good night. Let's wait for a much better day tomorrow. Tori
Tori, I'm pretty sure, like 100%, that there is an OM. I've seen the photo of W and him on FB. The funny thing, W's SIS, said that I had given "permission" to post it. I discouraged it, but ultimately said it was her choice of course, so as to give her space, not be controlling, let her make her own choices. It's just weird, to me at least, that she's lieing about this stuff. Do I address the lies, or wait to in the event that we reconcile? Also, I think that something has helped me detach are these two things. 1. The woman that I am currently married to is not the woman that I married. I love that woman, not this current one. 2. When any negative (mad / sad / anx) pop up, I am trying to use the STOP sign and then ask myself, "What can I do to better me?" rather than focus on those negative (natural) emotions.
It might not hurt for her to think that maybe you're getting a little p!ssed off. It might not hurt for her to NOT know that you were doing laundry and that was the reason that you didn't reply to her first text. Get her wondering what is going on in your head... what you are doing that you are no longer jumping to answer her.
You're going to say, 'well denver, that may get her upset. It may push her farther away. It may be the final straw."
blah... if she is going to divorce you, it isn't because you didn't answer a text message, or because you become a little mysterious to her.
We want to start confusing her. Right now, she knows that you are there for her if she decides to come back. She KNOWS it, man. She THINKS that she has a made a decision to leave you. She THINKS that she wants to be with OM. She THINKS that she is sure that this is what she wants, for now at least.
If you become mysterious, outgoing, vague, a riddle almost... she may begin to spend more time thinking about you, what you are doing, what you are thinking, rather than those thoughts above.
Just catching up on your sitch afa, but HAD to point this out ^^^ Denver gives fantastic advice, and this is some of the most important.
Trust me, I KNOW how badly it s*cks to do thinks that may anger your W or cause her to stop contacting you... Hell, I'm going through it and struggling now and again as I write this... But I also know that none of these tiny exchanges will be "The Straw"... and heck, if the R is so fragile that not responding to a text will cause a D, I don't think any of us want to be in that R... More when I catch up!
Okay, all caught up now. You and I (and about a thousand others on this site) are in a very similar situation right now. I'd like to make a few suggestions on how I'm helping myself...
First, being on these boards is fantastic. Gives a great place to vent/journal/ask for advice. Also, it's great to catch up on the Vet's sitchs to see just how similar these things seem to be.
You really need to try to detach a little more each day... This means NOT checking her Facebook (hide her from your timeline if you have to) for pictures, NOT constantly looking out of the corner of your eye to see if she's "noticing" your changes, and most importantly (for me especially) not getting to high-with-the-highs and too low-with-the-lows.
Many things are going to happen over the coming days/weeks/months... some of them will be great, some of them will be terrible, but they'll all seem WAY bigger than they are at first... time will put them back into a perspective... It's part of that whole "patience" thing everyone is talking about...
And soon, you'll notice that like me, it's easier to tell other people these things than to do them yourself, but before you know it... you'll wake up one morning and something will just feel different... Happened to me VERY recently, and while it didn't make everything better, it did allow me to actually see a little more light in my life than i'd seen in a while...
You're doing a good job, but pull back a little more to protect YOURSELF.
Hey, Afa. Good idea to hide her on FB. What I've been doing is posting pictures of all my fun activities with friends, and my H got really curious. He wanted to know if I found any of the guys attractive or if they were checking me out, etc. Not like our current situation is great now, but at least it stirred some thoughts. So you might want to do the same and post pictures of yourself having lots of fun.
I would also convey that you will not tolerate the OM by not contacting her unless absolutely necessary, and showing the distance you need to show so she sees you're not going to be waiting around for her to come to her senses.
It's amazing to see how all the WAS behave pretty much the same way. I would like to know how many people have actually been able to save their marriages AND be happy in the long term by using the DB techniques. And I would like to know how long it took.
MY H finally texted a line today to say that my niece liked the birthday card I sent to her and to wish me a good weekend. Better than nothing, I guess, but I still have the ominous feeling that things took the wrong turn this past week.
Anyway, good night, and Alkaline, thanks for the advice. I'll use it too.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
So do I address her lies? Also, my S7 just told me that OM was at our house last night. We had previously agreed that no one would meet the kids, and that under no circumstances would anyone come to our house. WTF?!? Clearly disrespectful and boundary violation. Am I allowed to address this?
