Tomorrow is a New Day

[Breakdown]

With the LL, I simply told my W about it, explained them to her, and asked her what she thought hers was. Getting them to fill out a worksheet may not be do-able.

With regards to controlling, once I realized I had this issue, I started to recognize the things I did it to maintain it. Criticize is a big one. Mean comments is another. Joking even (see my recent example above).

I know that was a lot to swallow, and some of it probably didn't sound nice, but I hope it helps you think of some of these things from a different perspective.

You're doing great....keep working on it and smile!

[hopefulinga]

Ok, I had to break up the post.

You are correct, I have been focused on H. I have have been trying to work on not letting what he does affect me. I did ok for a while but fell off the track. I think it depends on how stressed I already am by the time we interact.

Taking care of a disabled child is tiring and emotionally draining at times. I get mad that I am shouldering the burden. She has doctors 2 hours away and I am the one who missed work to take her. I've asked H to be involved but he's told me he would rather that I handle it. I do feel like I am taken for granted. It is very easy for me to GAL during the week during the day, but not so much in the evenings or on the weekends.

I am not gone a lot. When I went to DC in August, that was the first time I went away by myself in several years. I've been to visit my family with D a few times over the past few years (like 1 time per year) and H is always invited but never comes and has told me he has no desire to travel north but that I should go. The activities that I've done in the evenings over the past few weeks are out of the ordinary.

The sauce may seem trivial, and I didn't make a big deal out of it. I mentioned how I've been treated if I changed food, including one stupid brand of something. I've been yelled at, left at the table, had the food thrown out. One of the D bombs came on an evening that I had made something new that he didn't like. He's also told me that when I change brands of something I do it on purposed to make him mad. I don't get the double standard and don't care for it.

I did tell H I would love to go for a ride and how excited I was several times. When we had the fight, the motorcycle was just what pushed me over the edge. I've acknowledged that I voiced my feelings improperly and am making a concious effort to watch what I say and how I express myself.

I do try to be happy to the point of H asking why I was acting like everything is ok. I have been looking nice and trying to be as upbeat as I possibly can. I do not cook to be nice. I cook because D and I have to eat and I enjoy cooking. I've started eating when the food is ready and he can eat or not, his choice. In the past, I have not cooked and that makes him mad and I get accused of intentionally being evil to him. I think his coming home later than dinner time is intentional. D stands at the door wanted to know where her dad is and why he is late.

Abandonment - his dad died when he was 33 and going thru hell. His mom died when he was 40 and 2 weeks before our D was born. Both of his xW's were the plaintiffs. His brother is off on a drug binge and always is. D is his only child and it has been hard for him to accept her limitations.

Several years ago, I did threaten to leave. After I realized that was not what I wanted, I sat him down and told him it was not what I wanted, that I was stupid for saying it and that I was sorry. Since that time, I have never threated with D again. I think he is afraid that I will still leave him. Several times when we've fought he's said "Go ahead and tell me you want a D. I know you want to."

I do try not to worry about what H is doing when I plan my days. However, I guess I haven't gotten to the point that I am fine hiring someone to be with D when I have to be gone for more than a few hours, or will be gone and cannot be reached.

I always ask H if he is available for D when I am making plans, which I guess is probably asking him for permission to do what I want to do. H never does. He just tells me what he is doing and assumes that I have nothing planned. This dynamic is what I am struggling with right now. Any ideas on what I can do/say? I think some of our control issues are still under the surface for me.

I truly appreciate your response. This is difficult for me to navigate through and as I admitted, I tend to analyze which is bad for trying to stop some of this behavior.

[Breakdown]

I have have been trying to work on not letting what he does affect me.

I think that's key.

One thing I struggle with is control....on both sides. I have a lot of fear of getting hurt, so I try to control things...pretty much by any means necessary. Sometimes I'd demand things a certain way, sometimes I'd guilt my W, sometimes I'd criticize...once you start recognizing it, you'll see how it comes out a bunch of different ways. If something doesn't work, you switch to something else. You can see this a lot in LA's posts in how her H behaves...same for me.

On the other side is letting someone else control you. I think it's the tougher of the two really (though both are difficult!). When you get frustrated, angry, sad, etc....is this because of you, or are you letting someone else's behavior control you? It's a struggle, but I just say it in my head "I'm not going to be controlled by W." Sometimes that simply means not getting angry, sometimes that means staying happy even when she's ignorant, sometimes it's simply ignoring stupid crap that comes out of their mouths.

Taking care of a disabled child is tiring and emotionally draining at times. I get mad that I am shouldering the burden.

I applaud you for being a strong woman and the strong mother your D needs. I realize this must be extremely difficult, especially when H isn't chipping in. But what if you got a D? Do you think he'd really have her 1/2 the time? This is kinda how I approached it myself. I just think, hey, it's all on me, and then I balance it out the best I can. Sometimes I take one of the kids with me when I do something for me (movie, happy hour, etc) and sometimes I simply let the W know I'm busy. I find being "matter of fact" helps with this.

I am not gone a lot........The activities that I've done in the evenings over the past few weeks are out of the ordinary.

This was not a criticism. You have to GAL, so nothing wrong with that. My point was only that an insecure person would probably struggle with the times you are gone, whether it's evenings, weekends or whatever. I just don't get that vibe from what I've read here.

I mentioned how I've been treated if I changed food, including one stupid brand of something. I've been yelled at, left at the table, had the food thrown out. One of the D bombs came on an evening that I had made something new that he didn't like. He's also told me that when I change brands of something I do it on purposed to make him mad. I don't get the double standard and don't care for it.

Again, I'm not saying it's ok for you to be treated this way, just that it seems like a silly thing to be having an argument over. If he's so shallow that he thinks you're changing BBQ sauce to make his life miserable, let him get his own damn sauce and don't wallow into the mud with him.

Abandonment - his dad died when he was 33 and going thru hell. His mom died when he was 40 and 2 weeks before our D was born. Both of his xW's were the plaintiffs. His brother is off on a drug binge and always is. D is his only child and it has been hard for him to accept her limitations.

Several years ago, I did threaten to leave. After I realized that was not what I wanted, I sat him down and told him it was not what I wanted, that I was stupid for saying it and that I was sorry. Since that time, I have never threated with D again. I think he is afraid that I will still leave him. Several times when we've fought he's said "Go ahead and tell me you want a D. I know you want to."

Perhaps all this anger he is throwing around is his way of protecting himself?

And as I mentioned in LA's thread, I'm just a little in front of you guys, so take my 2 cents with a grain of salt. I don't have a success story to tell yet and am in much the same sitch as both of you.

[hopefulinga]

One thing I struggle with is control....on both sides. I have a lot of fear of getting hurt, so I try to control things...pretty much by any means necessary. Sometimes I'd demand things a certain way, sometimes I'd guilt my W, sometimes I'd criticize...once you start recognizing it, you'll see how it comes out a bunch of different ways. If something doesn't work, you switch to something else. You can see this a lot in LA's posts in how her H behaves...same for me.

On the other side is letting someone else control you. I think it's the tougher of the two really (though both are difficult!). When you get frustrated, angry, sad, etc....is this because of you, or are you letting someone else's behavior control you? It's a struggle, but I just say it in my head "I'm not going to be controlled by W." Sometimes that simply means not getting angry, sometimes that means staying happy even when she's ignorant, sometimes it's simply ignoring stupid crap that comes out of their mouths.

You've hit the tough area for me. I think I am aware that a lot of H's negative actions are aimed at controlling me. I need to be a little more keen in recognizing that.

But what if you got a D? Do you think he'd really have her 1/2 the time? This is kinda how I approached it myself. I just think, hey, it's all on me, and then I balance it out the best I can.

I do think of this and it is a concern of mine. This is part of the reason that I think I've dealt with what ever is dished out. But that was before I read DR/DB and realized that I need to change as well.

Perhaps all this anger he is throwing around is his way of protecting himself?

I do think it is a way of building a wall around himself. My job is to recognize how I am contributing to this and change what I am doing.

I appreciate hearing what you have to say. Sometimes it's good to hear from an outsider.

[hopefulinga]

My phone interactions with H continue to be positive, upbeat and encouraging.

I sent him a text on our way to the dinner telling him we'd call when we left. We called at the intermission because D16 wanted to stay until the end. He told her he would call right back because he was in the middle of something. He did call back, but the show had started. We left the room to take the call. She talked to him for a few minutes and gave the phone to me, and he told me a little about his day, but to go back to the dinner and call him in the am.

I called him when I got up and he was eating. He told me he would call me back which he did. I asked about what they had planned for the day.

We talked a little bit about the potential purchase. I asked him to please call me before he bought anything and he said I did call you yesterday and let you know. I told him I was appreciative of that, but I meant when he pulled the trigger. We talked a little bit about the pros and cons of what he was doing.

He said they were getting ready to ride, so I told him to enjoy the day and that I was glad he was able to get away and have such a good time. He is making new friends on this trip as well.

These interactions are like the old days. I had happiness in my voice when we spoke and he did as well. His voice is also soft and kind. I am making an effort to listen to what he is saying and to not interrupt and ask questions.

D16 and I enjoyed the dinner, although she was pretty cranky when we left because she was tired. I hope that we can go as a family next year. Actually, I'd like to take one of our dogs to perform, but H isn't too sure how a beer seeking dog would go over.

I'm going to try to work some today and then the cleaning people are coming over. I may meet up with some friends later. Otherwise, I will try to figure out what D and I are going to do.

[mamabird]

you are starting to focus on and recognize what is working for you, and you are recognizing small changes. Keep it going!

[hopefulinga]

H traded up for the new motorcycle. He sent me a picture and we talked about it. While he's been gone this trip, he's called me back any time he said he would, which hasn't happened in a while. I've kept an upbeat voice and I thanked him for the picutres and told him how much I appreciated his sharing with me.

If we can continue to communicate like this, it is a step in the right direction. I will need to carry this over into the difficult areas and try to approach them with the same communication style.

[Breakdown]

That sounds great! I think Carnac said it in his thread...just smiling actually helps put you in a good mood and it seems to flow thru to everything else. Keep it up!

One thing I thought of the other day that I forgot to mention, you might check out the book "The Courage to Trust." It's not as good as some of the others I've read, but it did help me with my trust issues.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks. I have one on trust (I can't remember what it is called).

In one of his texts today, H said he will take me for a ride on the new bike when he gets home. I told him that I am really looking forward to that. When he gets home, I will not ask but will wait for him to ask me. If he does not, I, of course, will be disappointed, but I will try to not fly off the handle on him.

I took D16 out for dinner tonight and ate way too much! While I like cooking, it has been nice to slack off for a few days.

[mamabird]

Sounds like he misses you. This is good!