I had a thought, I don't want to start a R until I have a handle on my anger. This week I lost it w S4 and resorted to spanking. Now I know everyone has their own personal opinion on this but before my sitch, I had never laid a hand on my son. I had tremendous patience w him. All that has changed.

I plan to focus more on patience w S4 and definitely managing my anger. I will continue to detach and focus on myself so I can take better care of my kids.

I also want to journal what happened.
We were driving and he kept pinching and hitting D1. I pulled over and spanked him. He laughed! So I spanked him again. He continued to laugh! I drove to another spot, pulled over and walked really fast so that he would run. He cried and calmed down in the car.

Next day S4 threw my dads clothes on the floor and refused to pick it up. I spanked him again. This is when I felt extremely guilty because I was so angry that he said no. AND because if I was calm I could've managed that event better.

I come from a home where my father physically and verbally abused my mom and brother. I NEVER thought I be this angry. I have read on positive discipline, I was an elementary school teacher, b4 sitch I managed very difficult situations well.

Now I'm another person. I start thinking about H n OW n this sitch and I start fuming. I have been diligent about praying. meditating, thought stopping but when I can't go to Al Anon regularly I lose it.

M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017