Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Hi 25,

I've been thinking about this all night and morning so when I read your post today, I wasn't surprised 'cause I reached the same conclusion as you. It's my passive aggressive behaviour. I justified it in any way I could but I think it really comes done to this.

Somehow, I wanted to get even with her for not contacting me all week (why should she?). I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine, so to speak.

I wasn't acting out of love. I was acting out of anger and frustration.

I have a hard time with pain. I'm hurting and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I'm the one holding on to the pain but for some reason, I need to blame someone, her. I want her to feel like I do. I want her to understand how I feel.
I thought I was fine but I'm not there yet. There is still so much anger I need to process. I will.

I don't understand her, but maybe I haven't tried hard enough to do so. I want so much for my actions to mirror the image of the man I want to be, to match the love I have (or claim to have) for her, but I keep f@#king up. I keep reverting to this. Maybe she's right. Maybe I just can't change. How do you get rid of passive aggressive behaviour? I guess I have to address the anger that triggers it. I try to be aware but I don't seem to see what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Thanks 25. BTW, the cat's out. "Daniel" is "Arsene".

[MrBond]

"My landlady (my friend's mother-in-law, who is a friend of the family). Why?"

I just get the impression she's the one always getting the short end of the stick.

BTW, if you want to know why keeping track of the days is a bad idea, read up on the Stockdale Paradox.

[Arsene]

No worries Rough,

Things are hopefully getting clearer in my mind. I do have a plan of action, a timeline and a lot of personal issues to focus on, instead of keeping my mind on the problem.

To sum it up. My W is just being my W. The woman who loved me and stayed with me for 10 years but who decided, after a lot of thought and courage, to leave me because she couldn't stand the pain she was living through, a lot of which came from me.

I am horrible at coping with pain and I suppose I still don't fully understand the extent of why she left, but I'm learning little by little through my actions while coping (or trying to cope) with this situation. I'm seeing the person I am a lot more clearly than I did.

She is a good woman and I'm sure that she is also struggling with many issues right now and I keep behaving like a brat who wants his toy back. Definitely not helping things.

Sometimes I think I know what I need to do and then, within moments, I lose sight of it, and get side-tracked by my out-of-control feelings.

I'm back on track now. This is Day 9 of my plan of action but by the looks of it I didn't really stick with it as much as I thought, so now, I'm going to re-read my plan, write it down in short form so I can take it with me at all times and I'll read it as often as I need to to remember every item on it.

Sorry about the long-winded posts. I'll try to keep them shorter from now on (actually this would be a 180 as well, W always said I always go on with things for way too long and with way too many details).

Cheers mate!

[Arsene]

No, Bond. She's a really nice lady and she loves D8, and D8 loves her. Both D8's grand mothers live far away so she enjoys spending time with the landlady. Usually, it's only for about an hour before bedtime because we both need to be out.

We have no family in this town, except for a distant relative of W and "baby-sitters" or daycare like we have in the west don't really exist around here. That's the main reason why we have always had a live-in maid in this country.

Yeah, I read the Stockdale Paradox and that is why I gave myself a more "realistic" timeline. Psychologically, I'm not sure how keeping track of days affects me but so far it has kept me from hoping for quick improvements to my sitch and has had a sobering effect as it is a constant reminder of how little I've done so far. I'm not hoping for this to be resolved by this or that date. Simply accepting that for the next two years, I've committed myself to being here trying to live the best life possible with my D8.

I'll go through it again though, thanks!

[Arsene]

Arsene. DB is not for affairs. Its actually not a great system for BH's as it makes you into a lapdog.

I follow the path of parallel paths.

Plan D and Plan DB. Plan DB is to rebuild PMA and protect the family.

But your wife is the enemy of this family. And you know what. Part of the plan DB is to realize that your thoughts on what you believe your wife is and who you wish she was is no longer reality.

Arsene you have been at this 2.5 years. That is your wife. She is a cheater. She will lie and she will pick OM over you and your D. That is who she is. Once the Affair starts the clock starts to tick.

The gaslighting and lies start. Then the fights and anger start. The excuses build up.
Then you find out.

This is when the parallel paths should start. Work on yourself and build up the strength and belief in yourself to realize that you deserve better. To be treated as a husband , not some dog on the side of the road. You see you need to regain your self respect. For you need to take control of your life. You need to define your path for moving forward.

This is where I see Bill at. He is working on gaining control of his life and defining his path.

Has he started his healing ? No. You cannot heal when you are living with a unremorseful cheating spouse. The clock ticks away and things will get worse with time.

You see your problem is that you have it all wrong.

You need to realize that they are the ones who lose out on this.
You were a loyal spouse.

You start plan D to do one of the following.

They realize what they are losing. So they try to work back into the marriage. You keep with plan D until their actions are consistent and repetitive on working on and restoring the marriage. Then you can pause it. And eventually kill it.

Or they get angry and leave... This gives you the space to heal and jump starts the process that was going to happen any ways.

Or they keep on cheating.... So you D them. They lose a loyal husband. You just lose a lying cheating wife.


The clocks keep ticking. Once you get to a point where you lay your path out.

Start the parallel paths.

The key is to move forward. On your own two feet.

For Bill. I think it would be in his best interest to start this process soon. As financially it would benefit him to D when his income is at its lowest. As his wife may have to pay him alimony until he has his career going. But this is one of those things that he needs to explore.

I started the parallel path the day I asked ladybug to stop the affair and work on the marriage.

If they say I don't know. You start parallel paths.

If they say No. You start parallel paths.

If they say yes I want to work on the marriage. Then you work on the marriage. But the first time they slip. parallel paths.



If you had done this Arsene you would have been further along than you are now. 2.5 years of emotional abuse is wrong.


If it was me I would keep on with school and kids. But at the same time I would start with gathering the paperwork that I would need for the D. I would start to separate fiances and I would start putting money away for it. Then come xmas after exams. I would get that first phase done and serve the papers ( lodge the divorce petition ). Then back to school and work on the next phase. Come 1 month before exams. I would cut all communication off until they were complete then I would push through the next phase. And when school was finished it would be right around the time when the decree nisi will be pronounced.

So I would time it to happen 1 or 2 months after school was finished.

Then the career would start up to fall into and the house would sell and co-parenting plan would all fall into place at the same time.

Or she stops the dancing and starts to work on the marriage. And I would put this on hold during study for exams. That is when she can work hard at getting back.

That is a time line.

Parallel paths.

Who is in control there ?

And what are you in control of ?

Thanks CB,

I see what you mean. I still think that there is a reason not to do this at this time. I still don't view my W as a cheater. Confused? Maybe.

First of all, although my sitch dates back 2.5 years, the first 2 years W was no longer involved with OM and we were fighting for the M together. My sitch only really took this twist in May. Until then we were a couple struggling but still a united couple.

Now about your statement that DB is not a great system for A. You may be right but I always thought I was dealing with MLC, and that the A is merely a symptom of this.

Page 215 of DR states that many will tell me to stop being a doormat and get on with my life but that ultimately I was the one who was calling the shots and that if I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage I should keep on fighting for it.

That's the way I feel just now. I know that people will be rolling their eyes but what can I say. I don't think my W is a bad person and I have enough reasons to believe she might be going through MLC. I know that acting now would be leading to the end of our relationship. I know that much about my W but I also know that no matter what path I chose, the initial process is the same. I need to work on myself and be patient. That is what I intend to do. One might say I'm making myself choice number 2. It maybe so, but I'm convinced that my W is very confused right now. she has been for a long time and this is a result of her confusion. I am willing to give her the time she needs to figure this out for herself. If it makes me a doormat or a lapdog, so be it. I don't intend to be and I'll try not to get suckered into doing anything I don't want to do but for now i chose to stand for my marriage.

I will be reassessing this every so often but for now, I have enough issues to work out that I can certainly use the time. My timeline of 2 years is not me waiting for her to come back because choice number one didn't work out. It's to give her the time and space she needs to come out of MLC at her own pace (if she ever does). It's also to get my life back and make sure I'm never again the man I was over the last few years.

I might change my tune later but for now it's what I chose to do and MWD lists it as a possible approach, in her infidelity section and in the MLC section as well.

What can I say. I still believe in my W.

(ok, I saw that, I saw you rolling your eyes. )

[25yearsmlc]

I didn't think this was a 2.5 year ordeal yet either. And what Chatterbug admits is that is his own plan, not DB's.

You have your timetable, whatever it is. But you also have a unique advantage AND a disadvantage.

The advantage you have is that you see your role in this and are making changes. That's the most anyone can do in this situation.

The disadvantage is that legally, in the country you are in, you lose your daughter if there is a divorce. IS that accurate?

Lastly, let me ask you this** If you could somehow look into the future and KNOW that things with your w would not work out,

would you still want the next 2 years to spent with your d and trying to make it work w/your w,

or would you cut bait now?

[Arsene]

There is something else that's been on my mind. I have hurt my W more than I can imagine. So much so, that she is probably happier now than she was with me. I realise that now. I have to change the person I was, in every way, not to get my W back but because I wasn't/am not a nice person. Sure I have made improvements but as W said, too little, too late. I might never be able to hold her in my arms again. I might never be able to kiss her lips again. but to have lost that woman who I was privileged to share 10 years of my life with for nothing would be to cheapen this moment of my life.

I may have lost her but I will not waste the lesson on years of feeling sorry for myself. I will look deep into who I am and hunt down my demons until I become the man that my W married.
It might be too little too late but if she doesn't come back to me once I have successfully become the man I know I can be, it will not be for a lack of my efforts and I will be able to look my D8 in the eyes and tell her that I did everything I could to save her family. I will also be able to move on with my head up.

I will be the better man.

[Arsene]

The disadvantage is that legally, in the country you are in, you lose your daughter if there is a divorce. IS that accurate?

Yes it is, unless my W decides to leave D8 with me. If we get a divorce, it'll be up to my W, where D8 will live.

Lastly, let me ask you this** If you could somehow look into the future and KNOW that things with your w would not work out,

would you still want the next 2 years to spent with your d and trying to make it work w/your w,

or would you cut bait now?

I came back to this city so that my D8 would be with both her parents. No matter what the outcome is, I would be here, for my D8 and I would be doing what I am doing for my own sake and also for what I just stated above. There is a lesson to be learned here and the cost has been high. I have to make sure the lesson is learned. I hurt my W for many years. I know that for sure. it wasn't intentional but that doesn't matter. I did something terrible and now i need t make sure I don't do this to anyone else, especially not my D8. I MUST change.

[chatterbug]

Arsene. I do not believe in MLC. Crisis happens every decade.

[Arsene]

Yes CB, our lives are filled with transformations/transitions. As we move from childhood to the teens or from the teens to adulthood we evolve and try to cope with the changes as well as we can. Reaching a time in your life when you become aware that you have probably lived more than what you have left might cause such a transformation in some people. Some go smoothly and remain unnoticed while others cause a wave of destruction in their path and these are called crises.

I admit that I may have used the term MLC to try to explain my W's behaviour because I could not fathom that I had anything to do with what was going on. It's no longer true. I am aware of the impact I had in my present sitch. I still believe that my W is going through one of these life transitions and is struggling with it.