Dropping the rope, hope I'm doing the right thing.

[Accuray]

Well SS, this is exactly where DB is supposed to lead, so pat yourself on the back, you've arrived! The real tragedy seems to be that by the time you get here, you no longer *need* your spouse back and can look at it more or less rationally.

If I were in your place and decided I was willing to give it another shot, I'd probably insist on Retrovaille plus a long reading list for W, and she would have to *prove* that her new attitude was permanent and not born of short term pain.

I think that's the tough thing for the WAS (which you are becoming), you probably have a better chance with your spouse than with a stranger if you could find a way to erase the scars and the baggage of what has transpired.

I wish you the best, you have earned it!

Accuray

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, Cadet. I'll be more careful on the next thread.

Busting, I think I'm feeling a little sad. It's sad that he took so long and that I also came to realize that maybe he just can't be what I need in a partner. I won't just accept lip service so he can have his way. I've already spent 16 years doing that.

I read this somewhere and it comes to mind now:

"The worst thing you ever did to me was to leave me. The best thing you ever did for me was to let me see I was better off without you. "

[scaredsilly]

Sorry, Accuray, I just saw your post.
I know you're right about H (not W, BTW). It's that old, "the devil you know..." thing.
I might need to try to feel more empathy for him. After all, he could be going through what I went through after BD: recognizing his shortcomings and wanting another chance to do it right.

It's just that I'm still scared of the future being like the past. And he has said that very thing to me!

I'll be kind to him because that's who I want to be now but I'll to to figure out how to let him know kindness is not weakness.

[Cadet]

one of my writings is about what i need in a mate. before i will be with anyone again, i will measure them by that list. it's not a demanding list of requirements at all. it's mutual respect, acceptance of change and differences, sharing, appreciation, trust, maturity, communication.

SS just read this thread and let me make a suggestion.
If this above list is your requirements it might be a good idea to expand each item and lay out more specific things about each one.

Post it here before you send it and let Accuray or others critique you on it.

Kind of doing reverse DB'ing and breaking everything down into small obtainable goals.

My point being is how will you know that he is meeting the requirements of the list.
Of course by actions not words.
But is there anything else?

Stay strong.

[bustingout]

I think i can understand the sadness part.....the long hard journey....the pain you have worked through..the feeling of perhaps its too little too late....the fear of wanting to say yes, but still being unhappy.....

I remember something my coach said about.....better late than never.....maybe your H is at this place now.....late...but not never....does being late still mean it can't be good and what you need/want? Only you will know after i am sure some deep hard conversations with H.

"The worst thing you ever did to me was to leave me. The best thing you ever did for me was to let me see I was better off without you. "

this can be true....however...maybe it could be 'better off without you.... while I needed to heal'

you have come through so much. You seem so clear on what you need and want and so positive that no matter what, you will be happy. You know it. and you know you know it.

I want so much for you to be happy. To find what you need. I hope that you find it with your H if thats what you want. But don't let fear guide you now. You know love. let it lead you.

love you SS.

[scaredsilly]

cadet and busting, you are both so kind, so very, very kind and caring.

as it happens, i was just editing my list. my big fear is that he would agree to the list, as it's really just basic respect and common sense, but then he would slide back and i'd be the one who didn't matter anymore...again.

here's the list. thank you for the suggestion:

What I need in a mate, if I have one:

1. I need a man to feel that our relationship is the most important relationship in his life.
2. I need a man who is willing to spend time with my family without telling me how bad they are.
3. I need a man who will spend time with me in my home town at the condo.
4. I need a man who will not make disparaging remarks about my dog.
5. I need a man who can accept that I am different from him and have personal interests and likes that he may not and who will not see that as a negative.
6. I need a man who is willing to grow and change as our lives and circumstances change, because change is inevitable.
7. I need a man who does not expect me to love his family as he does and can accept that I may not even like some of them. I know there will be members of my family he will feel the same way about.
8. I need a man who knows how and is willing to forgive.
9. I need a man who allows mistakes in others and doesn’t say, “I told you so” or hold grudges.
10. I need a man who appreciates my goodness and generosity and voices that appreciation.
11. I need a man who is not selfish in bed.
12. I need a man who allows me to grow and change.
13. I need a man who is dependable and gives me security in his feelings for me.
14. I need a man who is willing to share life, interests, desires, etc., and not feel that only his have merit.
15. I need a man who appreciates my intelligence and humor.
16. I need a man who knows how and is willing to say, “I’m sorry”.
17. I need a man who is mature and not spiteful, childish, prideful, or stubborn.
18. I need a man who is trustworthy and will not betray me, steal from me, take sides against me, or leave me rather than work on what our problems are.
19. I need a man who does not impose his will on me and accepts other ways in addition to his own.
20. I need a man who is not cruel, who would not abandon me.
21. I need a man who takes care of himself.
22. I need a man who does not financially support his adult children and does not expect me to.
23. I need a man who does not want to fight and argue but understands that relationships are better with compromise and negotiations.
24. I need a man who will respect my boundaries.
25. I need a man who makes my life better and does not add burdens.
26. I need a man who knows that I’m a strong woman but sees that as an asset and not something to overcome.
27. I need a man who sees me and hears me through a positive lens, who gives me the benefit of the doubt.
28. I need a man who lives in the present and looks forward to the future and does not dwell in the past.
29. I need a man who is honest and does not say things that are not true just to better his argument.
30. I need a man who is patient.
31. I need a man who is flexible and not rigid. He must have the ability to accept that things may have to be adjusted and that it’s not the end of the world.
32. I need a man who knows I support him but does not see me as a “support person”, who sees me as an equal partner and has no other equal partners, not family, not children. Equal partners are equally important and should both be content and happy.
33. I need a man who sees ANY attack on me, from ANYONE, as an attack on himself, any negative comments about me as negative comments about him. He needs to be on my side, not just me on his.
34. I need a man who will not subscribe to a double standard for me. What he thinks is acceptable for other people, has to be acceptable for me, too. I can’t be held to a higher standard than he is, either.

[mamabird]

I need that man too! He sounds great!

[scaredsilly]

He's a fairy tale man. Don't think he exists.

[2chiquitos]

Now separate your list into 2 columns (or 3 if you're having a hard time with some). What is something you can not do without and something you can.

My old IC had me make a list like the one you made just before I met H (a week before!). When I met H I thought he was the man of my dreams because he had MANY of the characteristics on my list!

[scaredsilly]

thanks, vero. i looked at them and i can honestly only put number 21 into the list of things i don't have to have. the others are pretty necessary at this stage of my life.

i've also added another to the list:

35. I need a man who will not discuss our marriage with his children.