Cadet, you're words brought tears to my eyes. I hope I can FIX me. I know that until I get my fear reaction under control, I can not FIX my marriage.
Musing... I posted earlier today that I was feeling calm and being present. Feeling sorry for my Self now. I know that thoughts/feelings will pass through eventually. I just feel rubbish about my behaviours and that I haven't learned not to react from fear. I didn't have this reaction/insecurity until he moved out. Now whenever there's silence, I feel that he's gone for good and I freak. Earlier this year I had that under control and we were getting along so I know I can get control of that.
I also feel bad about the fact that it was my actions that pushed him out in the first place. I know I wore him down (not intentionally) with remarks that might be taken as critical/negative/not good enough. Since he left though I have worked on building him up instead when I could.
What I wonder now is if my clamouring when I perceive I am being abandoned makes him feel bad about himself?
The frustrating thing for me is that I have explained that I have this reaction and that when it goes on a few days I go out of my mind. He just doesn't seem to care that it has a negative impact on me...I guess his need to cave/run/hide is stronger than his interest in me. Maybe we're both as selfish as each other - my need to stop the fear in my head is stronger than my respect for his caving! It would be laughable if it wasn't my life!
Coming up to 48hrs since I left that VM. No urge from me to bridge the gap. I know I have to let him go. It's just going to be tough the further along I get. And anyway I have no idea what I want to say if/when he does get in touch.
Question We are meant to be having some work done on the house. I have had a quote - much higher than expected. We can afford it but I want him to confirm that he's ok with the spend incase it comes back in the future that I spent money without his agreement. I thought I'd just email about it.
Tumbling
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding the cycling roller coaster
