So here I am. I've been reading this site and books for a month or so now, trying to still stand but currently tumbling. I finally want to take myself off the roller coaster ride but I don't want to end my marriage.
I have read all manner of posts on this site and none seem to mirror mine. I am putting this out here, seeking views, suggestions and some 2x4s!
Apologies upfront that this is a long introduction
I have been on this ride since October 2010 when he bombed with essentially ILYBINILWY and moved out. After he left I got IC. It helped me to see the role I played in destroying our relationship. I have an abandonment trigger from a childhood scar and whenever I perceived him emotionally detaching from me (e.g playing XBOX for hours) I would push for attention. Additionally whenever he was in a bad mood, I would autothink it was because of me. I was pretty selfish - expressing what I wanted to do and not being happy if he didn't want to do it with me.
Looking at the relationship before Oct 2010 I think a) he had a choice and could have stood up for himself and b) we both should have spoken up sooner about how separated we felt in our marriage. But once you are in that place it is very hard to reach out to the other. I didn't even know how to open a conversation with him about how I felt as whenever he perceives a difficult conversation looming he closes down (he has done this all through the relationship).
I realised that I unconsciously broke him so much that in the end he had to leave. I feel guilty about that and have worked hard on myself since then. So from the moment he left, I 180'd and started working on those behaviours. And I guess it kind of worked because we have been piecing on and off since then.
Admittedly he cycled between being in contact/seeing me/staying over and "caving" when his world becomes very dark. Sometimes when he caves I can let him be (as I know he will contact me when he can) but other times I tumble and cry buckets over being ignored and forgotten.
He moved home Sept 2011 but moved out again early Nov 2011 (I will explain why in another post). I thought we were truly ended that time. I tried time and again to see him after that. He would agree and then back down saying he couldn't handle it. Each time he backed away I fell apart (there's that abandonment button). Eventually in early Dec 2011 he agreed to come over. I pictured us sitting on the couch holding hands and me saying "We have to let each other go now". I worked myself up to be strong enough to say it but when he was supposed to set off he text and said "I'm not coming over. I'm sorry". Well, that gave me the strength I needed to take one shaky step forward into life without him. I went totally dark. 5 days later he tried to get in contact but I didn't reply. It broke my heart to see him trying to reach for me (txt) but I couldn't, I was very sad and hurt. Eventually I gave in (after 11 days of dark) and said I was grieving for a marriage that was over, that I missed the man I had met 12 yrs ago and that I hoped we could support each other through the rest of our separation." He said he was missing me too. I asked him to let me go but he said he couldnt cos it felt wrong. 26 dec I was really missing him and we had a text convo resulting in him asking to call the next day. I said not yet, but soon.
Jan 2012 He gets in touch on NY eve and we start another cycle. Later in the month I get in contact re house maintenance. he comes over. The following w/e we go for a walk. It was a really lovely day together. After that he "caved".
Feb 2012 I had sent him a website link about male depression that sounded like his cave as I was trying to understand where he was at. He recognised and admitted he needed to get help. Unfortunately, I couldn't hold the space for him as his need to "cave" made me feel rejected. So I told him (txt) that I would no longer txt as no reply made me feel bad. I wouldn't call as no ansa crucified me but he could call me day or night and I would be there for him if he needed me when he made an appointment.
But I couldn't hold that boundary for more than 10 days as the abandonment alarm was deafening. There was a bit of txtng and then he sent me roses at work for my birthday (March).
From Feb-June 2012 I started really working on my behaviours and abandonment triggers. I practiced not reacting and sitting with my feelings and horrible rejection thoughts and let them pass through me.
From end of March to mid May we saw each other pretty regularly - he stayed over (looking back this should not happen as quickly as it does - or he should stay in spare room).
May 2012 Random caving from him, the cause was eventually found to be a guys weekend was planned end of May and he felt bad about it and telling me. The only bad thing in my eyes was not telling me til the last minute. We made up, planned to go away for a long w/e the following week and he promised to inform me as soon as something was being planned so that he didnt feel conflicted- I have underlined this as it is important to where we are now.
June 2012 We went away together first weekend and had a lovely close time but after that He "caved" and pushed me away alot and he "didnt know why" (his words). We saw each other once mid/late June. Throughout June my "blinkers" were slowly falling away. I realised that H was no longer who I had fallen in love with and that I couldn't have R with this person as it hurt me too much.
July 2012 I went to see family for a few days. While away he text and confessed that while the guys had been together in May. He had booked a sailing trip and had been too cowardly to tell me. I didn't react even tho this was the very thing we had spoken about the w/e that he booked that flight.
I sat with the info for a while and then responded that he could tell me all about it when I was back. He picked me up at the airport and we talked when we got home. His trip was mid August for 2.5wks and yes he wanted to still go away for our anniversary (the coming w/e). I reacted this time (2.5wks? - last year it had been 1.5wks - esp as he only gets leave in August and that meant no time for us) and he said he couldnt handle my upset (I was crying). I said he had done this to me. He said he knew and that he was the problem. I asked what are you going to do about it? He said he didnt know. I said what about our w/e trip. He said he didnt know now. I said if we didnt go away then we were truly over.
On the day at the time he was supposed to pick me up. He text "I'm sorry"
I went dark. I did admin emails only. We had a couple of friendly txts (the way the cycle always starts. I asked to see him, he said no). I got stronger. I got legal advice. My self respect grew. I didn't want it to end this way but I needed to give myself some space.
AUGUST 2012 The w/e before his trip he txt asked to come over as he needed to borrow satnav for trip. I felt strong enough to see him. he said he wanted to make things right between us & that we couldn't do that living apart (i'd said that for months). I wasn't sure I could trust him with my feelings again. He said he would have to prove himself. He called me each night before he went sailing (3wks not 2.5). The first week I was pretty detached still and didn't think I wanted to fix our R as it might mean getting back on the ride. Whilst away he text most days and I got used to it, fell into a virtual R again and started thinking maybe...but then it stopped for 3 days and my abandonment button went off and one day I really hailed a number of horrible texts. He text me everyday after that.
SEPT 2012 He returned this Tues, text me on arrival but since then nothing. My alarm was ringing loudly. Weds I called (no ansa) so text - I had done some thinking and I would like to work with him to make things right and if he still felt the same would he ring me. Thurs - nothing - I called and left a voicemail - ILY but I can't do this anymore. I am letting you go.
That is where I am now. I know I can not continue on this cycling roller coaster. I am going to do battle with the need to reach for him. I know when I take control, I feel calm as I do not expect texts so do not set him up to fail and me to feel bad.
SUMMARY There is no OW just a very broken husband (childhood issues, depressed, avoidant) and a wife who has become broken via this situation. I really want to save my marriage but I recognise we can not do that until he deals with his childhood issues / avoidant cycling and my abandonment alarm's battery dies.
Thanks for reading
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding the cycling roller coaster
36hrs have passed since I left that voicemail. I didn't expect any reaction from H and there was none. I am abit angry at my Self for not being able to control my reaction to his silence and step off the roller coaster without stating that that was what I was doing. Maybe if I had done that eventually he would have contacted me. O well, done now and I forgive my Self. Next time that happens I will work harder to take my focus off what he is not doing and the meaning I give it.
I am in a much calmer place now. I have no expectations and that allows me to detach. I am totally focused on me now. I hope I stay like this.
Emotionally, after leaving the VM I was calm but in the morning I was wobbling. I took the afternoon off work - couldn't concentrate, came home and posted here. Getting my entire story down somewhere helped me see what our pattern was and realised I still have much work to do on the behaviours that get our cycle started. By last evening I was calm again.
I also thought about why things were good between us mid March to June and it was because I was living in the present. I had no timeline. We didn't talk about what we were doing. We were just enjoying each others' company.
I liked that head-space so right now I am not thinking about what might happen next, I am just living in the present. What will be, will be.
My primary 180 is to NOT initiate contact when I am feeling low, sad, desperate to hear from him. It does me no good as he often doesn't respond. It is also no good for him as I'm sure it makes him feel pressured and guilty.
I know there will be days ahead when that is going to be difficult and I will get my Self in a tumbling state. I plan to either come and riff here when I get like that or write it out.
When I feel the need to reach out/spew my emotions on him, I am also going to stop and ask - is what I am about to do going to help or hinder us healing?
GAL activities Keep going to the gym. I got back into a routine a few weeks ago, been going nearly every day. I feel good about that.
Plan my life for me. Stop leaving gaps in my week just incase he wants to see me. We can fit round each other's activities. This is hard as I have left gaps for nearly two years but this w/e I have plans with friends and next w/e I am on holiday with my mom.
If there is anything else I could be doing - then please do tell me.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
There is no OW just a very broken husband (childhood issues, depressed, avoidant) and a wife who has become broken via this situation.
OK I apologize as I did not read your post carefully enough, you may be ahead of the two of them in your timeline but they may be ahead of you in not riding the rollercoaster.
Cadet, you're words brought tears to my eyes. I hope I can FIX me. I know that until I get my fear reaction under control, I can not FIX my marriage.
Musing... I posted earlier today that I was feeling calm and being present. Feeling sorry for my Self now. I know that thoughts/feelings will pass through eventually. I just feel rubbish about my behaviours and that I haven't learned not to react from fear. I didn't have this reaction/insecurity until he moved out. Now whenever there's silence, I feel that he's gone for good and I freak. Earlier this year I had that under control and we were getting along so I know I can get control of that.
I also feel bad about the fact that it was my actions that pushed him out in the first place. I know I wore him down (not intentionally) with remarks that might be taken as critical/negative/not good enough. Since he left though I have worked on building him up instead when I could.
What I wonder now is if my clamouring when I perceive I am being abandoned makes him feel bad about himself?
The frustrating thing for me is that I have explained that I have this reaction and that when it goes on a few days I go out of my mind. He just doesn't seem to care that it has a negative impact on me...I guess his need to cave/run/hide is stronger than his interest in me. Maybe we're both as selfish as each other - my need to stop the fear in my head is stronger than my respect for his caving! It would be laughable if it wasn't my life!
Coming up to 48hrs since I left that VM. No urge from me to bridge the gap. I know I have to let him go. It's just going to be tough the further along I get. And anyway I have no idea what I want to say if/when he does get in touch.
Question We are meant to be having some work done on the house. I have had a quote - much higher than expected. We can afford it but I want him to confirm that he's ok with the spend incase it comes back in the future that I spent money without his agreement. I thought I'd just email about it.
Tumbling
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding the cycling roller coaster
STOP blaming yourself for the fact that he is broken.
You did not break him and that is why you can not fix him.
You can look at what you did or did not do, forgive yourself and improve in the future.
But the changes that you are going to make are going ti be for YOU!
To make yourself happy.
Think like you are in an airplane that has lost cabin pressure. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Then after you save yourself, then you can worry about saving someone else.
So I went to the gym this morning and then I sent my email about the house quote. I was just friendly: Hi H, hope you're ok and the post-holiday blues aren't too bad. Then I told him I had the quote and that I'd value his opinion on it. Outlined the costs and said I thought it was excessive. Asked for a reply by Weds so that I could move it forward or not. I also mentioned something else that had happened to the house and that I would sms a photo of it. I did not mention the state of our R, ask to see or speak to him (well done Tumbling for not reaching out/starting the cycle).
Spent the rest of the day with a friend which was really good - a long walk and an evening meal. I did mention H's behaviour a bit. I guess I'm trying to make sense of his words/actions - tell me he wants to make things right, text me everyday for nearly 3 weeks, tell me he has landed and then radio silence. What's that all about? I know...don't believe any of what they say and half of what they do.
Came home just now and there was zero from H either to the email or the photo. No acknowledgement. The no response isn't hurting my heart (rejection alarm off) but I do think it rude, I wouldn't not respond at all (is that judgemental?).
Right now I definitely feel better off our crazy pursue/hide roller coaster and wonder why I even want to bother with H when he is like this. I'm curious though to see what happens next and know I will need DB support to not get back on the ride but see if there is another way.
So back to work tomorrow for 3 days and then I'm going to sunnier climes for a week's R&R. Change of scene will hopefully help switch my head fully onto me.
O to help with my GAL planning things for me. I've renamed Sunday to Funday and am arranging something to do going forwards on my weekends.
Tumbling
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding our cycling roller coaster
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
The biggest change is not starting/enabling the cycle to begin again. As Einstein said you can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results. By not allowing that into my life I will stay calm and happy.
I've realised that I have behaved similarly in other relationships so I am definitely going to focus on working on the rejection response to make me a better person for any future relationship, whether with H or an other.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I just read the castle and the picnic analogy. I LOVE it! That was me pounding on the castle door, throwing stones at the window when the drawbridge was up, sometimes even lobbing things over the wall!
Now I understand all the other picnic threads. I'm going to sit on the picnic rug myself, it's on the shore, nowhere near the castle grounds and I'm going to be looking out to sea and my future horizon.
H can stay in his castle as long as he likes. He might enjoy the view from there but I prefer the view from here.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
