well -got some new "info" a bit ago -that i'm still trying to digest.
wife of h's best friend and i talked and caught up on the events of last weekend. they are the ones who hang out with h and ow, when she comes to town - as they did last saturday (i think i had posted that she had been groaning that h had asked them to come camp with him and ow in his back yard last fri and how she didn't want to go because she didn't want to hang out with ow and was afraid that when she had too much to drink she might mouth off!)
well they did hang out all evening with h and ow, but didn't camp w/ them. and she said that it was really really odd.
according to her h, ow acted really bitchy all evening, sulked in the corner while h and him hung out and pal'd around. h ignored ow a lot. and here's the most surprising info for me - she said that h brought up my name and talked about me in the most complimentary way not once or twice, but like 10 or 15 times!! right in front of ow and everyone else!! it was final friday so they went to several places and 2 parties...
one of the things he really went on about was when the discussion of final fridays came up (that was when i had my shawl sale) and instead of talking about what a fun event it was in general, h only talked about what an incredible show i had had and what amazing work i'd done!!
I asked what ow did in reaction - she said she just quietly turned her head away each time and sulked some more!!
friend said that she spent most of the evening observing them and chuckling to herself that things were not going so well!!
so where does that leave me with this info?
actually exactly where i was when i wrote my last post - i still have to move forward, still focus on myself and still realize that h chooses to be where he is and i can choose to sit with my back to the castle. it's just info that there's a lot of pressure there, and i could jump on it like flies on honey and get my hopes up, but i think i have done that too many times.
if anything the only insight this info has provided me is that maybe i can understand a little more what the look of agony on his face was about last night.
I'm where I am, and he is where he is. and that's all there is to it really.
friend asked me why do you think ow is being so messed up - and i thought to myself, well isn't it obvious? it didn't seem so obvious to her. ow is just another human being and she has feelings and emotions too, and i'm sure she's not all that stupid. something isn't sitting right with her about all this and of course she's going to react to it in some way . I find myself feeling bad for her - no, don't get me wrong, i'm not giving her all my sympathy - but just sad that she possibly finds herself in a place that is not good for her, and has to face the decisions she made along the way.
it's their thing to work out... not mine, and i am good where i am.
since yesterday i've had this image in my head- that analogy of two people as trees growing alongside each other, and when they are together, the roots get so entangled that you can't tell which roots are from which tree? well yesterday i suddenly saw how i had finally entangled the biggest fattest most far-reaching roots from h's roots, and that me, my tree, is standing independently on it;s own - and I can FEEL where my roots extend out to and my roots are supporting ME
...clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am.....
off to get some knitting done...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
