Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Arsene. DB is not for affairs. Its actually not a great system for BH's as it makes you into a lapdog.

I follow the path of parallel paths.

Plan D and Plan DB. Plan DB is to rebuild PMA and protect the family.

But your wife is the enemy of this family. And you know what. Part of the plan DB is to realize that your thoughts on what you believe your wife is and who you wish she was is no longer reality.

Arsene you have been at this 2.5 years. That is your wife. She is a cheater. She will lie and she will pick OM over you and your D. That is who she is. Once the Affair starts the clock starts to tick.

The gaslighting and lies start. Then the fights and anger start. The excuses build up.
Then you find out.

This is when the parallel paths should start. Work on yourself and build up the strength and belief in yourself to realize that you deserve better. To be treated as a husband , not some dog on the side of the road. You see you need to regain your self respect. For you need to take control of your life. You need to define your path for moving forward.

This is where I see Bill at. He is working on gaining control of his life and defining his path.

Has he started his healing ? No. You cannot heal when you are living with a unremorseful cheating spouse. The clock ticks away and things will get worse with time.

You see your problem is that you have it all wrong.

You need to realize that they are the ones who lose out on this.
You were a loyal spouse.

You start plan D to do one of the following.

They realize what they are losing. So they try to work back into the marriage. You keep with plan D until their actions are consistent and repetitive on working on and restoring the marriage. Then you can pause it. And eventually kill it.

Or they get angry and leave... This gives you the space to heal and jump starts the process that was going to happen any ways.

Or they keep on cheating.... So you D them. They lose a loyal husband. You just lose a lying cheating wife.


The clocks keep ticking. Once you get to a point where you lay your path out.

Start the parallel paths.

The key is to move forward. On your own two feet.

For Bill. I think it would be in his best interest to start this process soon. As financially it would benefit him to D when his income is at its lowest. As his wife may have to pay him alimony until he has his career going. But this is one of those things that he needs to explore.

I started the parallel path the day I asked ladybug to stop the affair and work on the marriage.

If they say I don't know. You start parallel paths.

If they say No. You start parallel paths.

If they say yes I want to work on the marriage. Then you work on the marriage. But the first time they slip. parallel paths.



If you had done this Arsene you would have been further along than you are now. 2.5 years of emotional abuse is wrong.


If it was me I would keep on with school and kids. But at the same time I would start with gathering the paperwork that I would need for the D. I would start to separate fiances and I would start putting money away for it. Then come xmas after exams. I would get that first phase done and serve the papers ( lodge the divorce petition ). Then back to school and work on the next phase. Come 1 month before exams. I would cut all communication off until they were complete then I would push through the next phase. And when school was finished it would be right around the time when the decree nisi will be pronounced.

So I would time it to happen 1 or 2 months after school was finished.

Then the career would start up to fall into and the house would sell and co-parenting plan would all fall into place at the same time.

Or she stops the dancing and starts to work on the marriage. And I would put this on hold during study for exams. That is when she can work hard at getting back.

That is a time line.

Parallel paths.

Who is in control there ?

And what are you in control of ?

Thanks CB,

I see what you mean. I still think that there is a reason not to do this at this time. I still don't view my W as a cheater. Confused? Maybe.

First of all, although my sitch dates back 2.5 years, the first 2 years W was no longer involved with OM and we were fighting for the M together. My sitch only really took this twist in May. Until then we were a couple struggling but still a united couple.

Now about your statement that DB is not a great system for A. You may be right but I always thought I was dealing with MLC, and that the A is merely a symptom of this.

Page 215 of DR states that many will tell me to stop being a doormat and get on with my life but that ultimately I was the one who was calling the shots and that if I wasn't ready to give up on my marriage I should keep on fighting for it.

That's the way I feel just now. I know that people will be rolling their eyes but what can I say. I don't think my W is a bad person and I have enough reasons to believe she might be going through MLC. I know that acting now would be leading to the end of our relationship. I know that much about my W but I also know that no matter what path I chose, the initial process is the same. I need to work on myself and be patient. That is what I intend to do. One might say I'm making myself choice number 2. It maybe so, but I'm convinced that my W is very confused right now. she has been for a long time and this is a result of her confusion. I am willing to give her the time she needs to figure this out for herself. If it makes me a doormat or a lapdog, so be it. I don't intend to be and I'll try not to get suckered into doing anything I don't want to do but for now i chose to stand for my marriage.

I will be reassessing this every so often but for now, I have enough issues to work out that I can certainly use the time. My timeline of 2 years is not me waiting for her to come back because choice number one didn't work out. It's to give her the time and space she needs to come out of MLC at her own pace (if she ever does). It's also to get my life back and make sure I'm never again the man I was over the last few years.

I might change my tune later but for now it's what I chose to do and MWD lists it as a possible approach, in her infidelity section and in the MLC section as well.

What can I say. I still believe in my W.

(ok, I saw that, I saw you rolling your eyes. )