I feel that since i "contributed" so much to this discussion, that I should come and add my "2 cents" as this part of it ends.
First, I'd like to apologize for my own reactivity. I saw that afterwards, how my own pattern of reacting still continues, and ironically this situation on Brit's thread really brought it home to me - that it's the next thing I need to work on for myself, which I will do.
I also put a lot of thought into why we all reacted the way we did. I think it was fear - on several levels - maybe on the newcomers thread, people are more gentle with each other, even though we 2 x 4, but here, tough life awaits and it's time to wake up to the brutal reality of our sitches - and when you attempted to "wake" brit up with your words, we all felt it and it scared us.
i also wonder about how maybe deep down, we all want that out - the easy way, of just starting to date so we can feel better temporarily and circumvent some of the painful stuff that we know deep down we HAVE to go through. maybe we could avoid it a little bit, like our WAS's seem to do so easily. your words took that option away from us, in a sense, and that was probably scary for us.
Brit: I am going to be really honest here, and i hope that you can see that it comes from a place of friendship and caring rather than judgement.
Sunfun - I was ONLY objecting to the way you posted to Brit, and i still maintain that it was a harsh way to introduce her to your insight, and you may have possibly lost the opportunity for her to truly hear what you have to say to her and the help you can give her. For Brit's sake, I hope that she can see past this, so that she can take the insight you have to offer.
What you don't know, is where I stand on this. When Brit started dating the guy she just ended things with, i emailed and asked her what she was doing. I didn't like where she was going with this AT ALL. her reply to me was that she was in a good place. I felt very uncomfortable with the whole thing - to me it did not seem like the right thing for Brit to do - but I didn't want to be judgmental.
Now looking back I feel guilty that I wasn't a better friend to question her more openly as you did so, albeit more gently. and I know that part of my response was from that place . Maybe i didn't want to push because i didn't want to risk not being friends with her - and so i was acting more in my own interests than hers, and that realization has made me feel more than shitty!!
Brit - I hope you will see, like I also do, that the vets here are right - they may not have said it all that nicely - but I also think you aren't really done with your h - you WANT to be, just like I do, but you're not quite there.
I know the signs - just like I told you in that email - I did the same with my ex-h.
About fear - maybe Brit moving over to this forum has brought up some fears for the rest of us - that we will ourselves be here sometime in the future... maybe seeing Brit move here is making us all feel sad and hurt - for her, for ourselves - we have spent so much time and energy bolstering each other up on the newcomers thread, and we are all hurting that one of our Picnic Sisters had to come here.
and we all know that when people feel sad or hurt, it's easier to express it as anger (any trigger will do, eh?) rather than face the emotions head on.
So , sunfun, I hope that you will understand a little more what that reaction was about. Frankly I think Brit moved to this forum way too early. I personally think she should still continue on the newcomer's thread. Her sitch is not over, and there is no way to predict what will happen between now when the D is filed and when it actually comes through.
Maybe that's why this whole discussion came up in the first place.
This forum is called "Surviving the big D"
Brit is not D'd yet, so maybe some thought should be put in to whether this is the place for her to post . To me it seems she should be in a forum called " preparing for the big D" - or in the newcomers, where she can work alot of things out.
but that's just my thoughts on it
Brit - {{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}} I hope you understand why I wrote these things. I think you are a wonderful wonderful strong woman, and I am honored to have met you. You have really helped me so much these last months, especially to acquire a PMA, and you've held my hand so many times when I've needed it. This is my hand-holding back to you. Love ya, sweet sister
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
