Thriving not Surviving

[SunFunOne]

labug: One of the first things I learned when I came to the board was to NOT be so reactive. To stop and listen to what someone else was trying to say. To take from it what was helpful to my situation and to way "thanks for the advice" to that which was not.

Remember that we have been here for a long time and seen a lot. Each of you is an individual but to group together and all start spinning from a place of misunderstanding and angst is a waste of energy.

I choose not to post unless I think it might make a difference. I have been through all this for a long time and wouldn't bother to say anything unless I thought someone MIGHT benefit from some of it.

So take it for what it's worth.

Barb

[labug]

One more thing and then I'm done with this topic and I hope we've all learned something. I know I have and that's what makes life so great, there's always more to learn.

I didn't jump in to to defend Brit so much as to call foul on what I saw was harsh and judgmental based on one post. Of course I know Brit and that's why I was reading her thread but I think we all deserve a minimum level of respect, especially here where we are sharing such painful, personal stories.

I do commend you, Barb for continuing to come back to the boards. It must take a lot of time and patience from what sounds like an already very busy life. It is good to be able to support others in staying on their path, and learning patience when they step off into the weeds. But it is their path.

Thanks for the explication of your history, often with the real oldtimers we don't get that. It helps to have a better understanding of the whole person.

[SunFunOne]

Thanks labug. I hope we can all continue to share, advise and learn here.

At your stage, I was hoping to find more oldtimers who would tell me how they saved their marriage. But alas - they are few and far between.

What I CAN tell you is that there is more than one road to happiness. Each of us has several forks in the road that we will reach - but it is up to us to choose one and go with it - making decisions along the way. If we listen to those who have gone before us - sometimes we can make more informed decisions. Or not. It's all a personal choice.

Myself and many others who are here are SURVIVORS. We have been through what we thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to us. And lived to tell about it. How we managed financially. How we moved on to better, more fulfilling relationships, how we helped our children come through it with minimal damage.

I hope that my experience can help in some way. And no more references to Football teams. Mea culpa!

Barb

[heartbrokeinsd]

for what its worth... old timers and newcomers can teach each other if both are open to learning. i am in recoveryy (aa) and i have seen alot of people leave that program because of old timers passing harsh judgement. i myself have bee one of the newcomers that left. so barb, you speaking in that manner does stir up things for me. now i dont care how long someone has db'ed for. just as i dont care how long someone has been sober. the people i listen too are the ones who deal with solutions and have compassion. i have learned things from my kids because my heart and mind are open. it doesnt matter how old or how long you have done something. it matters what you have learned and how you implement those changes.

Brit-

hey. i will post here. not sure why or what to say. i have been struggling a bit so i might as well. its good to hear you are still reading. i dont know how you do it. i think you will survive this and thrive. just dont give up. you are a strong and smart woman. recognize the obstacles and think of the solutions.

Dakota

[zig]

Hi sunfun,

I feel that since i "contributed" so much to this discussion, that I should come and add my "2 cents" as this part of it ends.

First, I'd like to apologize for my own reactivity. I saw that afterwards, how my own pattern of reacting still continues, and ironically this situation on Brit's thread really brought it home to me - that it's the next thing I need to work on for myself, which I will do.

I also put a lot of thought into why we all reacted the way we did. I think it was fear - on several levels - maybe on the newcomers thread, people are more gentle with each other, even though we 2 x 4, but here, tough life awaits and it's time to wake up to the brutal reality of our sitches - and when you attempted to "wake" brit up with your words, we all felt it and it scared us.

i also wonder about how maybe deep down, we all want that out - the easy way, of just starting to date so we can feel better temporarily and circumvent some of the painful stuff that we know deep down we HAVE to go through. maybe we could avoid it a little bit, like our WAS's seem to do so easily. your words took that option away from us, in a sense, and that was probably scary for us.

Brit: I am going to be really honest here, and i hope that you can see that it comes from a place of friendship and caring rather than judgement.

Sunfun - I was ONLY objecting to the way you posted to Brit, and i still maintain that it was a harsh way to introduce her to your insight, and you may have possibly lost the opportunity for her to truly hear what you have to say to her and the help you can give her. For Brit's sake, I hope that she can see past this, so that she can take the insight you have to offer.

What you don't know, is where I stand on this. When Brit started dating the guy she just ended things with, i emailed and asked her what she was doing. I didn't like where she was going with this AT ALL. her reply to me was that she was in a good place. I felt very uncomfortable with the whole thing - to me it did not seem like the right thing for Brit to do - but I didn't want to be judgmental.

Now looking back I feel guilty that I wasn't a better friend to question her more openly as you did so, albeit more gently. and I know that part of my response was from that place . Maybe i didn't want to push because i didn't want to risk not being friends with her - and so i was acting more in my own interests than hers, and that realization has made me feel more than shitty!!

Brit - I hope you will see, like I also do, that the vets here are right - they may not have said it all that nicely - but I also think you aren't really done with your h - you WANT to be, just like I do, but you're not quite there.

I know the signs - just like I told you in that email - I did the same with my ex-h.

About fear - maybe Brit moving over to this forum has brought up some fears for the rest of us - that we will ourselves be here sometime in the future... maybe seeing Brit move here is making us all feel sad and hurt - for her, for ourselves - we have spent so much time and energy bolstering each other up on the newcomers thread, and we are all hurting that one of our Picnic Sisters had to come here.

and we all know that when people feel sad or hurt, it's easier to express it as anger (any trigger will do, eh?) rather than face the emotions head on.


So , sunfun, I hope that you will understand a little more what that reaction was about. Frankly I think Brit moved to this forum way too early. I personally think she should still continue on the newcomer's thread. Her sitch is not over, and there is no way to predict what will happen between now when the D is filed and when it actually comes through.

Maybe that's why this whole discussion came up in the first place.

This forum is called "Surviving the big D"

Brit is not D'd yet, so maybe some thought should be put in to whether this is the place for her to post . To me it seems she should be in a forum called " preparing for the big D" - or in the newcomers, where she can work alot of things out.

but that's just my thoughts on it

Brit - {{{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}} I hope you understand why I wrote these things. I think you are a wonderful wonderful strong woman, and I am honored to have met you. You have really helped me so much these last months, especially to acquire a PMA, and you've held my hand so many times when I've needed it. This is my hand-holding back to you. Love ya, sweet sister

zig

[BFloat]

interesting.. wow. sort of reminds me of my thread when someone stated i was looking for validation from men when i decided to make one phone call. lol!!

i haven't been on the boards for a while but have been thinking about moving over to here.. and looky.. i started w/ your thread. i know bits and pieces of your story so i will try and catch up. maybe even consider starting my own thread except that i'm not sure i want to deal with having to defend my character and my choices.

for the record.. i'm canadian too. familiar with that football term. and i will have to disagree w/ OT about the comment how people who are done w/ the M do not txt w/ their ex about motorcycles.

i am done w/ my M. and yet my ex and i txt every so often. not every day. i wouldn't say we're friends.. but we are friendly. i think we've both worked very hard to be here. we go days without a word from each other but sometimes a funny pic or funny story gets passed back and forth between us. because in the end, i still care about him as a person and i want to see him happy and doing well. that's the nature of my character.

i will agree that you may not be done with your M simply because that's what you stated!

[bustingout]

this was a beautiful post zig----you really express yourself in a way i wish i could only do.. so honest and raw.

i second what you are saying....and Brit....i love you dearly. i only want the best for you, even if that has not come across to you in my posts, i believe in you and your strength. Maybe its worth rethinking where you are. I am Always here for you in the best capacity i can offer...i know it hasn't been a lot...but still afraid to give a lot of advice when i myself still need so much. Which you have given me so much of (((( ))))

Love you Brit...

[Brit45]

Thanks people for all your lovely words! And concern and love! Thank you Barb for telling me about yourself and your story. I will always try to take what I can from others words.

Floating, thanks for jumping in the waters here! I said wasn't done with growing with growing I am done with my marriage. Your friendship with your H sounds a lot like mine. We go for days with out talking and then share friendly texts. I do know he would be there for me if I really needed something.

Zig you have always been someone whose friendship I valued and I appreciated your honest concern when I met that guy. I would never want you to censor your thoughts to me. Haha let me have it!

[SunFunOne]

HB, Zig, BF, BO, Brit et al,

Welcome to the Other Side - whether you're here for the duration or just stopping by for a visit. I've already apologized and I have listened to your thoughts and stories and some of my own. (unless you want to be here for a month - mine was the tip of the iceberg). The sad part is - we all came here for the same reason. And that is not a good thing. The good thing is that we find support and advice here - again - some we accept, some we don't.

So let's all work together and see how it goes. I am not here nearly as much as I used to be but I will say hello and give some input if you are interested. I also do encourage you to think about where you want to be 5 years from now and maybe start a little "Bucket List". I'd love to hear about it on my thread.

For now - this is Brit's thread - so I will not hijack.

Brit - take it away. What are you up to this weekend?

Barb

[zig]

Zig you have always been someone whose friendship I valued and I appreciated your honest concern when I met that guy. I would never want you to censor your thoughts to me. Haha let me have it!




be careful what you ask for you may just get it

no but seriously brit - what I love about all of us here, especially you is how open and flexible we are all becoming. and already are.

You are a wise woman, i think and judging from your response you are very very open and that is truly wonderful

I think Barb asks a significant question , not just to you but all of us - how DO we see ourselves in 5 yrs? just floating along, or something more specific.

Something to think about.

Hey can't wait to see your bucket list !! i don't know if I'm ready to write one yet - guess that shows where I am at

much much love to you sweet girl
zig