best and worse thing to ever go through

[eyesopen]

I figure I have already gotten such great support and motivation from this site that it is time to share my story and hopefully save my marriage.

I am a 37 year old male with a S5 and a D3. W is 31 and as far as I understand a WAW. We have been married for 6y and together 9y. Like most I thought we had a pretty good marriage(boy was I wrong). Not many arguments, really seemed pretty stress free. When I think back there was one, probably major, sign that I turned away from. 3 years ago W told me she was unhappy, but as far as I remember didn't say why. I don't recall her telling me she wasn't happy with our relationship. Our daughter was a few months old at the time so I figured it was possibly hormonal or something. I mean really, it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I started to realize that I need to pay more attention to everything other than the words that come out her mouth, or anyones mouth for that matter. She has not verbally told me where she thinks our marriage broke down, although I have my ideas. Until about a year and a half ago I worked nights. I think we started to disconnect then. Then about a year and half ago I was laid off and she picked up the slack and went to work. She had benn a stay at home mom until then. She started waitressing, so now she was gone at night. More disconnect. I also now that I haven't been very good at supporting her ideas and goals. I would say I am mildly controlling. Also had no clue about love languages, who what I have learned in the last couple of months.
So about 3 months ago I recieved the ILYBNILWY talk. I also heard a lot of other cliches, like, you deserve better-the kids will be all right-I can't treat you like a wife should treat her husband-don't know who I am outside of being a mom-need to be on my own. So for the first month I did everything wrong, beg, plead, cry, try and get her to read things I had found that showed her she wasn't the first woman to go through this. Guess what, it didn't work. Second month I started to pull it together, but would backslide often. Third month I really have gotten it. We are seperated, w moved out almost three weeks ago. We have almost daily contact due to the kids. I am doing very well as far as accepting that I can only control myself. I also realize that she is driving the bus right now and I am ok with that. I do love her more than I thought I could ever love. I am prepared for any outcome, yes there has been D talk. I will not pursue it, but if she makes the mediator appt. I will be there. If she thinks that will make her happy then that is what will be done. I want her to be happy more than anything. The last time there was any D talk was about a week ago, it was via text. She said she thought we should she a mediator and asked how I was feeling about that. I replied that I fell good about what I have learned through this and that I respect her choices and I will honor her decisions. No talk since then about a D. I do not talk about us when I see her, I have offered my help as far painting her townhouse that she is renting. She asked today if I would put a water softener in for her, I said for sure. I am just not sure how much I should do for her but as of right now things seem to be going pretty well. I am staying positive and trying to show her what kind of man she is leaving. I am happy and energetic 90% of the time, and I will not give up. Not sure I went on too long, this the first time I have ever posted to a forum. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Get the DR book and read it.

You need to let her go.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[eyesopen]

Thank you Cadet.

I have read DR, and I have a few other books as well. I feel as if I am in a pretty good place right now. Very positive, trying to to be care free. I know this will make me a better stronger person. And I believe with all my heart that I will get another shot at our marriage.

I would ike to share a little story that happened the other day. My mom went to W place the other day to see my son get on the bus for the first time. Afterwards my mom talked with my W for a bit. Asked her what she really wanted, W responded that she wanted a D, that she wanted to make it on her own. What I find positive is that she also stated that she wishes I was angry and bitter, so as to make it easy on her. So staying on the high road, being warm and friendly, seems to be the way to go. I made the decision awhile ago to not be angry. It is no way to live.

Couple questions, any advice on how to respond to, I miss you, or I don't want to fake it anymore?

Thanks

M:37
W:31
S:5
D:3
Bomb:6/2012
Sep:8/2012

[eyesopen]

One other question, how can you detach and be a unconditional friend at the same time?

[eyesopen]

Just wondering how do I get responses to my sitch?

[labug]

It looks like you're off moderation now, you should get some responses.

Post often, that keeps your thread on the first page.

What are your goals? If you don't know look at the first topic at the top of this page. You can get help with goals there.

Read all you can about detachment-google livestrong detachment and elsewhere.

GAL-what are your activities?

Not to be too simplistic but this is probably at the crux of the problem.
This is interesting: When I think back there was one, probably major, sign that I turned away from. 3 years ago W told me she was unhappy, but as far as I remember didn't say why. I don't recall her telling me she wasn't happy with our relationship. Our daughter was a few months old at the time so I figured it was possibly hormonal or something.

Why do you think you ignored this at the time? Answer this without mentioning your W.

Because you can only fix you.

[Grocerykartman]

Eyes,

Sorry you haven't received a response in addition to Cadet's yet. Hang in there and I hope others will chime in too. Several observations from my end:

I also realize that she is driving the bus right now and I am ok with that.

Just because she's driving the bus to a destination you don't want to go to, that doesn't mean you have to stay on the bus and watch. She's wanted to separate from you and has done so. So use this time to take a different bus to places you DO want to go to. Meaning, go do fun stuff that you want to do.(but behave yourself). Got any old hobbies or sports you more or less quit doing while you were married but would be happy to start up again? Are you working out and taking care of yourself? Got any old friends you can reconnect with? Got some current friends you can hang with more and just go be a dude with? In short, if you spend all your time in the passenger seat wacthing her take control of your life, where does that leave you?

Also, are you working again?

I have offered my help as far painting her townhouse that she is renting. She asked today if I would put a water softener in for her, I said for sure. I am just not sure how much I should do for her but as of right now things seem to be going pretty well.

Here's my opinion on it, though others may differ. I've seen sentiments in the past on this site that say you shouldn't do anything for her. In my opinion, remember that your kids will live at her place too, and, frankly, who do you want them to see doing things for them? Based on what you said, I would have happily painted their rooms, and probably left the rest of the place up to your wife to paint. Regarding stuff like a water softener, I WOULD install it, but only if asked and not "right away". I think you need to stay busy enough when you're not with your kids to make yourself unavailable a lot of the time, and that you'll have to fit things like this in. All the while keeping happy..but you have to not just look independently busy but BE independently busy.

Couple questions, any advice on how to respond to, I miss you, or I don't want to fake it anymore?

Has she said either of these statements to you already?

One other question, how can you detach and be a unconditional friend at the same time?

One of those most common terms used on here is "counter-intuitive." And detaching is counterintuitive. Seems like detaching would make her feel like you're walking out on her, but it seems to always be just the opposite.

They may not ultimately change their minds, but the WAW's do notice when you start having a life without them and don't base your every move on them.

Don't confuse unconditional friendship with unconditional presence. SHE MOVED OUT. So use a majority of the time apart to do things for yourself, and detach during this time. Save a minority of the time to be present for her. Treat her like a good male friend whom you would be an unconditional friend to, but need to keep a certain distance away from in order to maintain your own life and to keep from, essentially, bugging him too much. (Except in her case, swap the word "smothering" for "bugging")

I will state that this is just my opinion, and if you read my signature below, I did ultimately wind up divorced. But, my relationship with my STBXW and then XW only took a turn for the better once I detached, made some new friends, and started doing thigs I wasn't doing before. We talked of reconciling many months before and after the divorce but for a myriad of reasons I won't get into, that did not occur. Regardless, the point is, neither the improved relationship or talk of reconciliation seemed possible until I got my own life. We do not think it's out of the question now that we could reconcile even though we are not planning to.

So the above is my advice to you. Listen to what Cadet said in his original response. He is right on.

I wish you well.

[MrBond]

Go back and re-read DR.

Set up goals.

[eyesopen]

She has said that she doesn't want to fake it anymore, but has not told me she misses me. I replied to the fake it comment that I don't want her to pretend either, but I would like a chance to start over.

As far as GAL goes, I am trying. I am putting the final touches on a studio apartment in my basement. I have a renter lined up, moves in on the 23rd. The work has basically taking all of my free time, but once it is finished I plan on doing anything and everything. The studio will allow me to support her financially and stay in the house.

I am working and have been for about a year.

[eyesopen]

I am wondering, and this might be a question for a WAS, how come I can have a friendly conversation on the phone with my W, and when she drops the kids off 20 min. later she seems cold towards me? And no I do not let it affect me, I have been very consistent in only showing her a happy positive me.

Also, are there typical stages of recovery for a WAS? Almost like what a LBS goes through. I know for me it went shock, panic, anger, acceptance. I feel like the stage I am in now would probably be the fight stage. It is a stage that I hope to stay in for the rest of my life. With or without her, it is were I have learned the most about myself and what type of person I want to be.