Dropping the rope, hope I'm doing the right thing.

[scaredsilly]

well, my H sent me an email after days of NC. he wants to know what i need in a husband. he apologized for sending an email about something "personal" because i had requested that he no longer contact me about us, only financial things.

he said in this email that he knows he's "a big part of others' pain" and that he knows he done things wrong or not done things when he should have (maybe his D??).

he goes on to say that he will not hold anything against me that i tell him and not use it against me in the future.

he says he's "not hit bottom, yet" but he can see it, that he's lived with me more than anyone else in his life, and that he sees all my changes and thinks they are permanent.

he said he wants to be funny again and free from sadness, free-spirited and looking forward to weekends again.

funny, all this time, i thought he was having such a good time while i was so lonely on the weekends.

i emailed him back:
"i don't know what to think of this. my heart and mind and efforts have pretty much gone in another direction now. i need to protect myself from pain. i'm happy and beginning to feel a sense of relief. i don't have all the time i had years ago so i can't afford to make any more mistakes. i look forward to a future where i'm continuing to live a full life of my choosing. i've given away so much and so many years, made so many sacrifices. i just can't take any more conflict. i want happiness, too. i want to be number one for someone or be by myself with family and friends. i won't settle for less anymore. i can't.

i want it to be easier.

please give me some time to think.

thank you."

his reply: "Please take whatever time you need. I wanted to see if I could be what you needed, it`s not all about me."

however, he then ask for some specific things i would love in my "new life". i will not be pinned to specifics. that is how he would get me when i would want to change.

i have a list, already, of what i would want in a future mate, if i decided i wanted one. i'm enjoying life on my own now. i don't have to answer to anyone. i do what i want, when i want, and for as long as i want. i don't have to consider another person's feelings with regard to what i want to do and when. it's pretty nice, really.

life with him was always about him. he's saying now that it's not all about him but he's wanting specifics so i'm not sure he even knows how to have a life that's not all about him.

i'll send him my list. first, i'll make sure it includes "flexibility" in a partner!

we'll see what happens. it appears that he's gotten scared now that he can feel me slipping away.