Now separated. Am I doing the right things? Pt 2

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Rough,

I HIGHLY value you’re opinion but you seem to take a “softer” approach. I remember bringing this subject up with you a month or so ago and you suggested that I let W know what I am doing verse remaining vague. I am not rude to W, I ask her how she is, I smile around her but I don’t ask her a lot of questions, I keep things pretty short with her, business like in a way. I feel it’s necessary in an attempt to save my sanity and avoid anything that might be considered pursuit. I was a hard core pursuer before our separation.

Your situation will change through time. Initially we are all in shock and everything within us screams "pursue! Declare and prove our love!" The advice that I would give you when you are feeling like that is different than the advice I would give now. Initially it's very important to give space -- you need to deliver the space that the WAS needs, for both of your sakes.

The reasons for "playing a harder line" are many -- first, it forces you to break your dependency and starts teaching you that how you feel about yourself can't be a reaction to how she responds to you -- you have to feel good about yourself because of what YOU are doing and how YOU choose to live your life, regardless of the reaction you get. Secondly, it grants the WAS the space they need and stops your pursuit. Third, it gives them space to wonder "do I really want this? Is this really better for me?" If you're pursuing them, all they're thinking of is avoiding you. They can't shift into the wondering stage until you give them space. Now if at the same time, it appears that you're out having fun, have your own life and have moved on, it makes you more attractive by virtue of your self-confidence, they may see a life they want to participate in, and may make them feel lonely by comparison (assuming no OM is involved).

The problem is that if you act that way forever, you start to get stand-offish, your vague responses start to get obnoxious, and you're not really paving the road home. Just to be clear, you should NOT shift into the mode of sharing your feelings, or pursuing in any way, but as time wears on you can become less vague, and you can return friendliness if it is offered -- just don't escalate. If she needs a favor, and it's not a huge inconvenience for you, and it doesn't become a pattern where she's just taking advantage of you, then consider doing it. Don't take days off work just because she needs a break -- that's over the line. Don't give up plans you're really looking forward to. It's a balancing act like so many other things in our sitches. At this point, you want her to feel that there's a path to reconcile if she wants it, but that you're not sitting around waiting for that to happen -- you're moving on.

The only reason I can think that you suggest that I take a “slightly softer approach” is because you think there’s a “decent chance” that my W might want to come back? Does that really call for a “softer approach” from your POV?

Yes, I do think your W wants to come back. As we've identified, your financial situation made her feel so badly she couldn't live that way anymore. That might not be fair, and you may feel that you're both in this together, that she could earn more money too, that she's not responsible with money either, etc. etc., but the reality is that financial security is very very important to her and it was missing.

I think she's afraid that if she comes back now, it will just be "more of the same" financially and she can't do that, so I think she's torn. I do believe she loves you, I believe there are things about you that she needs, but she can't live barely scraping by because that's "who she is" and to your point, how she was raised.

The thing is, if you won the lottery tomorrow, I don't think that would really be enough to get her back, because I don't think it comes down to making tons of money. I think what she needs to see from you is financial discipline more than anything -- that you are going to be the one to tell her "no, we can't afford to spend money on that this month, but we can do it next month" -- that you are going to be the one to ensure that all the bills get paid on time, and that she doesn't need to worry about it at all -- that you are going to be the one to make sure your credit card balance doesn't get out of hand, and if it starts to you will take action. When she says that you need to be the financial rock, that's what it means -- not that you turn into a millionaire, but that you *manage* what you have like your life depended on it. Obviously, managing gets easier if you make more because you have more flexibility.

I assume based on your bonus heavy compensation that you have a sales job of some kind, and I'm guessing inside sales. That's a lumpy, difficult way to earn a living -- deals always take far longer than you predict to close, and time is the enemy of all deals. I think you want to do a reality check on your earning expectations at this job versus your actuals. Set a goal for what you think you should make in a given time period, and if you don't make it, then this job isn't working out -- plain and simple. It probably feels that there is always a windfall a couple quarters out, but you might find that never arrives.

My experience in sales is that 10-20% of the guys knock it out of the part quarter after quarter, 50% do "okay" and have some flush times and some lean times, and 30-40% live on the base salary and really never get ahead. The tough thing is that seeing the 10-20% guys keeps you locked into a cycle of hope where you think you can do that too, you're just having bad luck.

I could be way out on a limb here, and maybe you're not in sales, but I do think a career change may be in order to something that carries a higher base and lower bonus (and hopefully less stress).

If I were in your shoes, I would consider what's going on with my W to be secondary, you just need to "maintain" on that front, while the majority of my focus would be on (1) how do I get out of debt, (2) how can I make more money for the year consistently, and (3) how can I learn to live debt free and be the financial rock that my wife (or any woman) wants?

Have you been updating your sitch on your thread? I noticed the poster that helped you out, earlteagrey (or something like that) showed up on the forum the other day. Take care and thanks for sticking with me from the beginning. I hope your doing well!!!

I have reached the magical state of detachment in my own sitch, which is to say that I really don't spend that much time thinking about it and I don't let it rule my thoughts, so I don't have much to post. My W is content, the kids are happy, our family and finances are intact, my sex life is good enough. It's not the marriage I would like, and it's not where I saw myself at age 43, but my vows were for good times and bad. Right now my W does not want to divorce, and my kids are very happy. It's not worth it to me "right now" to yank the rug on that, so I'm just not worrying about it. Selling out? Maybe, but I will gladly sell out for the benefit of my kids.

Go get it, Roughenough

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