Hi OT, thanks for visiting my thread. When I first joined Betsy pointed me towards Nickel's thread because she was similar to me. I read all of her threads and learned quite a bit from her and your posts.
I got the underlying message and I understand that people were a bit taken aback from the comment "dating the whole football team"
I think the most difficult part in dealing with the board in the last 24 hours (which I've never felt in the past 5 months or whatever it's been) is the need to defend and explain myself. I don't want to open up my heart and prove to you all the pain, turmoil, anguish, therapy and personal growth I've been through. Aside from having to relive it, it now feels a bit too personal to detail to people who are almost judging me based on a brief outline of one of the most difficult times in my life.
I went through a wild stage when H and I first split (2 months) and then I "woke up" a bit too late. I can see now that I was so scared about the entire thing, that it was a coping mechanism. I didn't have to think if I was going on vacation with the girls, going out every weekend, in a new relationship or meeting other guys, etc. I beat myself up A LOT about how I acted then, how H must have felt, how it looked to the outside world, how I didn't value myself, the example I was setting etc. And then after a long time I forgave myself. When you know better you do better. And I have done nothing but focus on myself (well I focussed way too much on H for a little bit there) since Feb. During that time I discovered all those things you talked about. Some I rediscovered some I never knew were inside of me. I stepped out of my comfort zone at work. I was happy and content being on my own. I love being in my own skin. So I felt very confident when I made the decision to begin dating again. H and I have always wanted to remain friends. We're also in a unique situation that we moved to another country together. So he feels that "we're in this together" I have detached from him. In the past month we had two tough convos about the divorce proceedings and one where he told me he was planning to marry the new GF. He almost wanted my approval. I was detached and surprised at how detached I was and I was able to tell him that it doesn't matter if I'm okay with all of this. His choices are his choices. I want what's best for him and although it's something I wouldn't choose for myself it depends on whether he's okay with all of this not if I am. That I'm happy in my life.
Thank you for saying that about standing. I agree totally and sometimes you have to look at why you're standing. Is is because you actually love the person, because you genuinely want to be in their lives because you can mutually benefit each other through out the course of your life? or is it out of loyalty? pride? religion? a bit of moral high ground to say that you weren't the first to date/move on/file for divorce/give up? I had to ask myself those questions when I approached him to work on us (AGAIN) but this was after he'd begun dating? Was it because I loved him or because I didn't want to be divorced? Was it because he was once my best friend or because I didn't want anyone else to have him?
So here I am...it's cliche but we are different people. We have different views and values. We rushed into a relationship and then marriage...an almost exact timeline to his current R. I don't want to do that again.
If you want my stats: I'm 34, my H is 37. We were together 7 years and married 6. I have a son from a previous relationship who is 17. (go on make your judgements LOL I'm quite used to that after all these years. his dad was even quarterback of the football team) We moved to the UK 5 years ago while I completed a masters degree and then stayed because I got a job too good to pass up. S has a relationship with his dad and H. I'm friends with his dad and his dad's W and I'm very close with my son's family on his dad's side (uncle's, cousins, grandparents etc) I'm still friendly with my MIL and SIL. Maybe I'm a bit of a hippie but I do think everyone can get along.
Finally, I just want to say that I understand that many people on this thread are "old timers" and have seen every permutation of relationships breaking down and mistakes people make throughout that. And although from the top of the mountain the view of where a new person is and the problems that lie on the path they're attempting to take is quite plain to see for them....for the person on the path it's new and unique. And whereas you may have seen a million others just like me, and my feelings and choices aren't unique to you they are to me. I get it because I have a hard time posting to those on the newcomers forum who just join because like you said I can see it clearly and know that no matter how much they want to hold on they'll feel so much better if they let go. And I don't think I can walk someone through that process with compassion and patience because I want them to "hurry up and get it!" So I guess I'm just asking for patience and compassion with me. You may see it clearly but I'm sure at one point you were where I am now. And it's a bit like going on your first vacation alone, or starting university or losing your virginity...sure every one's done it but when you did it, it was special to you.
I don't think I'm done. I don't want to be done. Not with becoming more of a "happy, whole, strong, independent, passionate people."
