36hrs have passed since I left that voicemail. I didn't expect any reaction from H and there was none. I am abit angry at my Self for not being able to control my reaction to his silence and step off the roller coaster without stating that that was what I was doing. Maybe if I had done that eventually he would have contacted me. O well, done now and I forgive my Self. Next time that happens I will work harder to take my focus off what he is not doing and the meaning I give it.
I am in a much calmer place now. I have no expectations and that allows me to detach. I am totally focused on me now. I hope I stay like this.
Emotionally, after leaving the VM I was calm but in the morning I was wobbling. I took the afternoon off work - couldn't concentrate, came home and posted here. Getting my entire story down somewhere helped me see what our pattern was and realised I still have much work to do on the behaviours that get our cycle started. By last evening I was calm again.
I also thought about why things were good between us mid March to June and it was because I was living in the present. I had no timeline. We didn't talk about what we were doing. We were just enjoying each others' company.
I liked that head-space so right now I am not thinking about what might happen next, I am just living in the present. What will be, will be.
My primary 180 is to NOT initiate contact when I am feeling low, sad, desperate to hear from him. It does me no good as he often doesn't respond. It is also no good for him as I'm sure it makes him feel pressured and guilty.
I know there will be days ahead when that is going to be difficult and I will get my Self in a tumbling state. I plan to either come and riff here when I get like that or write it out.
When I feel the need to reach out/spew my emotions on him, I am also going to stop and ask - is what I am about to do going to help or hinder us healing?
GAL activities Keep going to the gym. I got back into a routine a few weeks ago, been going nearly every day. I feel good about that.
Plan my life for me. Stop leaving gaps in my week just incase he wants to see me. We can fit round each other's activities. This is hard as I have left gaps for nearly two years but this w/e I have plans with friends and next w/e I am on holiday with my mom.
If there is anything else I could be doing - then please do tell me.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
