IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[Arsene]

Sorry Bond. I still don't see it. You did what you did but what did you have to lose? This guy was coming after you. Show me someone other than my W coming after me and my family and nothing will stand in my way. For the moment, all I want to know is how Bill and my behaviour is not following good DB technique.

We are both trying t be very patient by giving ourselves a very long and if I may say so myself, realistic timeline, we are both trying to focus on ourselves (Bill is better at that than I am) and improve who we are on more level than one. We both have managed to semi-detach from our sitch (again, Bill is much better than I am here) and are trying not to see too much in what is happening. DR states that the affair must run it's course. I know that in many cases forcing the issue has had positive results but then again, it's also been said that one has to be truly prepared to lose it all before going on that road.

All I want to know Bond is how what we are doing goes against good DB. I honestly thought Bill and I were doing well, and following the advice from DR as well as the one given here by many.

Thanks Bond,

Bill, I feel like I'm highjacking your thread. I apologise for that mate.

[chatterbug]

Arsene. DB is not for affairs. Its actually not a great system for BH's as it makes you into a lapdog.

I follow the path of parallel paths.

Plan D and Plan DB. Plan DB is to rebuild PMA and protect the family.

But your wife is the enemy of this family. And you know what. Part of the plan DB is to realize that your thoughts on what you believe your wife is and who you wish she was is no longer reality.

Arsene you have been at this 2.5 years. That is your wife. She is a cheater. She will lie and she will pick OM over you and your D. That is who she is. Once the Affair starts the clock starts to tick.

The gaslighting and lies start. Then the fights and anger start. The excuses build up.
Then you find out.

This is when the parallel paths should start. Work on yourself and build up the strength and belief in yourself to realize that you deserve better. To be treated as a husband , not some dog on the side of the road. You see you need to regain your self respect. For you need to take control of your life. You need to define your path for moving forward.

This is where I see Bill at. He is working on gaining control of his life and defining his path.

Has he started his healing ? No. You cannot heal when you are living with a unremorseful cheating spouse. The clock ticks away and things will get worse with time.

You see your problem is that you have it all wrong.

You need to realize that they are the ones who lose out on this.
You were a loyal spouse.

You start plan D to do one of the following.

They realize what they are losing. So they try to work back into the marriage. You keep with plan D until their actions are consistent and repetitive on working on and restoring the marriage. Then you can pause it. And eventually kill it.

Or they get angry and leave... This gives you the space to heal and jump starts the process that was going to happen any ways.

Or they keep on cheating.... So you D them. They lose a loyal husband. You just lose a lying cheating wife.


The clocks keep ticking. Once you get to a point where you lay your path out.

Start the parallel paths.

The key is to move forward. On your own two feet.

For Bill. I think it would be in his best interest to start this process soon. As financially it would benefit him to D when his income is at its lowest. As his wife may have to pay him alimony until he has his career going. But this is one of those things that he needs to explore.

I started the parallel path the day I asked ladybug to stop the affair and work on the marriage.

If they say I don't know. You start parallel paths.

If they say No. You start parallel paths.

If they say yes I want to work on the marriage. Then you work on the marriage. But the first time they slip. parallel paths.



If you had done this Arsene you would have been further along than you are now. 2.5 years of emotional abuse is wrong.


If it was me I would keep on with school and kids. But at the same time I would start with gathering the paperwork that I would need for the D. I would start to separate fiances and I would start putting money away for it. Then come xmas after exams. I would get that first phase done and serve the papers ( lodge the divorce petition ). Then back to school and work on the next phase. Come 1 month before exams. I would cut all communication off until they were complete then I would push through the next phase. And when school was finished it would be right around the time when the decree nisi will be pronounced.

So I would time it to happen 1 or 2 months after school was finished.

Then the career would start up to fall into and the house would sell and co-parenting plan would all fall into place at the same time.

Or she stops the dancing and starts to work on the marriage. And I would put this on hold during study for exams. That is when she can work hard at getting back.

That is a time line.

Parallel paths.

Who is in control there ?

And what are you in control of ?

[Arsene]

Thanks CB,

So as to not highjack Bill's thread any longer, I'll answer this in my own thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...897#Post2278897

Thanks Bill, and sorry about this.

[chatterbug]

I will stick to Bill's thread. It is a good place to chat and offer thoughts. Plus there is a ton of good old fashioned PMA here as well. Got my 9 miles in this morning.

[breakdownbill]

Haven't got time to respond to all of these posts right now, but thanks for checking in with your advice.

Got my 7 miles in this morning!! 3 runs done this week - check!!

Spent a great day in the park with W, w's friend and kids - we all had a blast and even had a water fight at one point.

It was great to have fun like that as a family, stuff like this hits you hard because it feels so good, so natural and then wham you remember your sitch...

Cooked an awesome Chilli for dinner as well, man I'm a catch ;-)

Hey you've got to have a laugh at yourself now and again.

If I get chance I'll check in later with some more, if not I'll catch my DB brothers from other mothers tomorrow.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hi Chatter

A few things you posted earlier have got me thinking & I wanted to get your opinion on a couple of things.

I started the parallel path the day I asked ladybug to stop the affair and work on the marriage.

After you asked her to end the affair, did you ever consider exposing the affair? I know it's not something MWD recommends, but a lot of other authors & sites promote it alot.

They say it takes all the excitement away & if the right person challenges them about their behaviour it can be a massive wake up call to what they are doing.

The more I think about my sitch, the longer I stand by and let this affair continue, the more likely we'll end up divorced.

What you say about DB for affairs is spot on IMO, I mean it mentions in DR on p216-17 about working out what needs the OP is fulfilling & it mentions keeping a low profile not discussing the affair or reacting to it, GALing & being the person they want you to be & they will hopefully come to their senses & realise the grass isn't greener.

This is a very emasculating way of dealing with an affair that is enabling the cheating spouse to continue their affair without challenge & is unlikely to make them stop the affair because it is being tolerated.

I'm a bit torn on continuing solely with this approach, (I mean DB promotes self improvement anyway) to the OM - but not 100% sold that exposing it (to the right people - not everyone) is the way to go either. (pro's & cons fest)

Gonna have to think this one over a bit.

Bill

BTW Arsene, feel free to hijack this thread whenever you get the chance

[Denver_2010]

I'm just going to weigh in here a bit. I mostly agree with Bond and Chatter. As Chatter said, if the A is going on, you should be on a different path. Only if and when your W puts a stop to the A and says that she is willing to try, should you be on a path WITH her.

You can sum it up pretty easily, and this is what I told my W more than once..."I will not be an active part of your life as long as any OM is".

When he was, I lived my own life, SEPARATE, from my W. I sought my own happiness and tried to not worry or think about what my W was doing. She was no longer my concern during those periods of time. If she called me, I might answer. I would be polite but short. But there was no way in hell that I was going to hang out with her or provide her what a H provides a W while she was spending time with OM. There was no way in hell I was going to do that.

Where I differ from Chatter, and maybe Bond, is that I wasn't rushing to the courthouse to D my W. I wasn't worried about that either. I just lived my life the best I could.

YOU CAN wait this out while also enforcing a boundary that you will NOT be a part of an open M.

And yes, I think that is what you, Bill, are doing, and what you, Arsene, are doing.

And guys, I know how difficult this is. I just lived it.

[chatterbug]

A few thoughts here. Your wife works you do not. So do not affect her work.
It has been 10 months now.


So exposure now is kind of mute. I think you should let your parents know just so they can support you and your kids.

Her parents. Well how close are you ? I told her parents and it was hard. But I wanted them to know the truth.

And I told a few good friends who would remain on the side lines and support both of us.

If I knew they would pick sides then I kept quiet.

And I did it within 24 hours.

And the reason I did it was to support both of us. Now and down the road. And I did it within 2 weeks of finding out.

A race of the truth. And she was a combination of mad , ticked off , embarrassed and shocked.

My reason was to tell the truth and seek support. We had no kids but we had a niece and nephew on her side that were basically our children. At the time they were 17 and 14. And I told them.

My wordings were to support both of us. But not support the affair.

Personally this is a very personal choice. Heh

Once it is out there you cannot control it. Do not do it to force shame. Or to snap her out of it. You only talk to those who will help you and your children and your wife. No matter if your D or not. For they have unconditional love for all of you.

Now if OM was a judge or MC I would report them as they are abusing their position in society.

Michele has written some beautiful work here. Her words of 'DB' will improve your life completely with every relationship you have. I like to read her books every few months. Along with hold on to your nuts. They are a good balance.

You see she promotes a strong sense of self. It just gets lost in the execution from time to time.

The current conversations have done what the goal was.

For you to question your current moment.

So take that moment and look at your plans.

You know you can always file. That will say more than everything you have said and what your exposure will say.

IMHO. I would just talk to parents and a few close friends. I would say that you want them to support both of you. Mind you time line is stale.

And she will come at you on that. So you have to be ready on that.

D8 will need to know but you can judge when.

See your starting to realize about the ticking clock and her actions is causing you to lose your love and respect for her.

And I think you have that nagging feeling in the background of once a cheater...

But the good news is that you can still treat her as a lady. Be a gentleman. Honour the love you have for her and always make sure the kids know to treat their mother with respect and love.

I will stress. PMA and school is your primary goal now. Do not become undone.

So why are you wanting to expose now so late in the game ??????

[chatterbug]

Denver. I think I need to read your story. I would be honoured if you read mine as well. I enjoy reading your posts.

[Denver_2010]

Denver. I think I need to read your story. I would be honoured if you read mine as well. I enjoy reading your posts.

You like horror stories eh Chatter?! I would love to read your story. Somehow I'm guessing that the plot will be similar to mine!

It's funny that we never crossed paths while I was in the thick of my situation.