Freedomland Ahead

[BeingMe]

I'm second guessing myself. Should I have asked him to leave? I miss him so much. I hear him talking to my D19, helping her with some computer issue, and I just want to say, "come back please". But, of course, I don't. I know there is no hope for us.

[beatrice]

It is really really hard when they go . . . . most of us have it much sooner in the process, so you have had the difficulty of living with a MLCer for a long time, and then the aloneness. However awful they have been, when they have gone we miss them - and I think we miss who they were, not who they are now, because we don't have the reminder of their current state . . . .

[BeingMe]

That's just it ... he was never mean, just disconnected. I tried DBing for all these years, and it just got to a point where I felt hope every time he came home, yet I knew nothing would change. So, I had to let him go. But, I do miss his presence.

[braveheart]

Being Me, I want to ask you this question; Do you miss HIM or do you miss the IDEA of HIM? Think about that one for a little bit.

[forward]

Being, If you decide to have hope, perhaps there is hope. But I also think you are tired of dealing with things. You have certainly GALed.

You could simply stop D proceedings for a while.

This is where some professional advice might come in handy...more for you than for you as a couple......

[BeingMe]

BH ... I did give it some thought ... I miss the old H he used to be. Having this one in the house gave me a sense of him, but I was fooling myself. It is best that he's gone ... for both of us. I just get teary eyed because I know, really know, that it's over. There really isn't any hope of a R. Even if he came and asked me, I would have to say no. I gave him all the chances in the world. And, I will never ask him again for a R. The last time I asked, I knew there would be no more asking.

Forward, I haven't gone further with the D. He's away on a 6 week business trip, so no rush to make appointments, since I'm not sure exactly when he'll be back. So, in that case the D is extended.

I had a nightmare dream about him last night. I got to see the "real" him, and it was frightening. Of course, it was only a dream, but I woke up feeling down and depressed.

I should go for counseling ... I think they're free at the university.

[BeingMe]

He has not been in contact with me since he left, except those few emails in the beginning. He has contacted my D19, but not in the last couple of days. So, he is truly disconnected. And, I know that what he does now is none of my business. I don't think about it much, being busy at school, but when the weekends arrive, and I haven't planned anything ... I do wonder what he's doing. I try to shut it off. D@mn! I need to find something to do this weekend. Although, I do have plenty of homework to keep me occupied.

[job]

It's only natural that you would wonder what he's doing when the weekends come around...you were w/him for a long time. Old habits are hard to break and they take time.

I doubt that he'll contact you until he returns from his recent trip. His focus is on the trip and his associates at this time.

I hope that you can find something fun to do this weekend besides sitting and doing homework the entire time. You need to get out and enjoy the outdoors a bit and not worry about anything but yourself...now, that would be a change...wouldn't it?

[BeingMe]

I did GAL today ... D19, friend and I went for coffee, then friend took me on a hike with her dog. Phew! It was fun.

Later I was checking the booking on our condo, and who should show, but my H. He booked a place on the listing service, to stay in [other country] for the weekend. I wasn't even looking to see where he would be. Looks like a nice place. Then, to top it off, I was checking our bank accounts, and it looks like he came back to our town before leaving. There's a debit payment at a local restaurant, then a flight out of the city, on the Friday before he was supposed to leave. Maybe he had a date? Don't know, trying to not care. He also made a payment for a speed dating site. I was curious, and looked up his profile. Doesn't look like him, and what he says is partly true. I am tempted, oh so tempted ... to mess with his head. But no, I will just go for a run and clear my head.

[BeingMe]

Journalling here ...

I am going to speed up the divorce process. I want to be D'ed by the end of the year. There is no point in stretching it out. I sent H a message detailing all the things I would like to happen, then he called, wondering why this is happening so suddenly. I agree with him, a week ago I was saying we could keep being separated until the house sells. But, it's going to be a long time before that happens. I proposed that we rent it out, and once divorced we can get smaller places for ourselves. We can split the furniture, since we've got a lot of stuff. Or, (just thought of this) he can stay here, get roommates to cover the mortgage, because he will only be here 2 weeks out the month.

So, there it is ... a lot more was said in my initiating email, and in our conversation, but the gist is that I'm not expecting any possibility of R, that I need to get divorced and have our affairs separated, except the one's noted, and we can get on with our lives. I told him I'm not resentful, wish him well, hope he finds happiness, yadda yadda. I am peaceful with this choice. I'm happy within myself ... I'm sad about some things, i.e. his mom never visiting us again, our divorce, my one daughter feeling sick, etc., but it doesn't effect my core happiness in life and all it has to offer. Bad things happen, but good things do too.