Welcome to Surviving/Thriving. I am sorry that you find yourself here as the goal of course is to try to save the marriage. Saving yourself though is the ultimate goal.
I didn't see how long you had been married, how old you are, kids and their ages. That sort of thing helps alot when you come to a new forum.
We have seen many cases of people getting into relationships way too quickly after the divorce not to mention any prior to the end of the marriage. We as a group look out for each other but we also can be pretty blunt when need be.
I hope you stay and continue to grow and heal.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
brit is a very positive person. what i think she's found is that the separation from her H has enabled her to realize that the problems that caused her to be a WAW, in the first place, still exist with her H.
no one has the correct amount of time someone should stand for their marriage. some have stood for 5 years and not been able to save it. some less. it's an individual story. there's no looking down on someone who stands less. maybe they're smarter?
what she needs is support for what she's decided and where she's going. if she wants to date, so she dates. she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. maybe she doesn't need as much time to know herself. maybe she's far and away more advanced than some. we're not here to judge. we don't walk in each others' shoes.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I'm pretty sure Barb was here before me, which was 10 years ago now.
I think the misunderstanding here has to do with the "football team" reference.
Barb, to say someone is dating the football team in the U.S. pretty much means that one is being passed around from one guy to another to be used for sex.
Everyone else, I can assure you that is NOT what Barb meant to imply. She's Canadian. She just meant that Brit has been dating several guys. Which she has.
So, pull that out of your craw, everyone else, and listen to the message. I'll repeat it. I, of all people, cannot guarantee any more tact.
Brit. You are all over the place. People who are DONE with their Ms don't text with their STBX's about motorcycle stuff. You are nowhere near done. It is crystal clear that neither you nor H are anywhere close to an emotional D.
In the meantime, you are BOTH doing a whole lot of stuff that muddies the issues and really gets you nowhere. It is really pretty clear that your life is bouncing all around and there is a lot of self-medicating-as-dating going on.
Look, I don't no ANYONE who didn't go a bit wild through the emotional D process, Sun among them. It isn't about that. It is about where you are now.
You aren't done. You're all over the place. Step back. DB. And, when Barb says to be, it is ABOUT YOU. Because, that is what DB is -- it is really about us becoming happy, whole, strong, independent, passionate people.
What you are doing now is getting in your way. Crystal clear from here. I have no doubt. Barb doesn't either. And it is pretty easy to see why.
We have perspective that you don't. It is like watching a kid stick a finger in an electric socket -- it just isn't going to work out well.
Take a deep breath. Table dating. Get some genuine space from H. Take care of yourself.
(And, please forgive the typos. Would be nice if the Edit button worked.)
Plus too, for everyone who thinks DBing is all about "standing" (egad I hate that superior, righteous, holier-than-thou word), you haven't gotten to the other side to fully grok what DBing is.
And finally, Brit, don't date seriously (and preferably not at all) until you get this: being able to detach is necessary for true intimacy. Detachment allows the possibility of intimacy, it doesn't kill it.
Hi OT, thanks for visiting my thread. When I first joined Betsy pointed me towards Nickel's thread because she was similar to me. I read all of her threads and learned quite a bit from her and your posts.
I got the underlying message and I understand that people were a bit taken aback from the comment "dating the whole football team"
I think the most difficult part in dealing with the board in the last 24 hours (which I've never felt in the past 5 months or whatever it's been) is the need to defend and explain myself. I don't want to open up my heart and prove to you all the pain, turmoil, anguish, therapy and personal growth I've been through. Aside from having to relive it, it now feels a bit too personal to detail to people who are almost judging me based on a brief outline of one of the most difficult times in my life.
I went through a wild stage when H and I first split (2 months) and then I "woke up" a bit too late. I can see now that I was so scared about the entire thing, that it was a coping mechanism. I didn't have to think if I was going on vacation with the girls, going out every weekend, in a new relationship or meeting other guys, etc. I beat myself up A LOT about how I acted then, how H must have felt, how it looked to the outside world, how I didn't value myself, the example I was setting etc. And then after a long time I forgave myself. When you know better you do better. And I have done nothing but focus on myself (well I focussed way too much on H for a little bit there) since Feb. During that time I discovered all those things you talked about. Some I rediscovered some I never knew were inside of me. I stepped out of my comfort zone at work. I was happy and content being on my own. I love being in my own skin. So I felt very confident when I made the decision to begin dating again. H and I have always wanted to remain friends. We're also in a unique situation that we moved to another country together. So he feels that "we're in this together" I have detached from him. In the past month we had two tough convos about the divorce proceedings and one where he told me he was planning to marry the new GF. He almost wanted my approval. I was detached and surprised at how detached I was and I was able to tell him that it doesn't matter if I'm okay with all of this. His choices are his choices. I want what's best for him and although it's something I wouldn't choose for myself it depends on whether he's okay with all of this not if I am. That I'm happy in my life.
Thank you for saying that about standing. I agree totally and sometimes you have to look at why you're standing. Is is because you actually love the person, because you genuinely want to be in their lives because you can mutually benefit each other through out the course of your life? or is it out of loyalty? pride? religion? a bit of moral high ground to say that you weren't the first to date/move on/file for divorce/give up? I had to ask myself those questions when I approached him to work on us (AGAIN) but this was after he'd begun dating? Was it because I loved him or because I didn't want to be divorced? Was it because he was once my best friend or because I didn't want anyone else to have him?
So here I am...it's cliche but we are different people. We have different views and values. We rushed into a relationship and then marriage...an almost exact timeline to his current R. I don't want to do that again.
If you want my stats: I'm 34, my H is 37. We were together 7 years and married 6. I have a son from a previous relationship who is 17. (go on make your judgements LOL I'm quite used to that after all these years. his dad was even quarterback of the football team) We moved to the UK 5 years ago while I completed a masters degree and then stayed because I got a job too good to pass up. S has a relationship with his dad and H. I'm friends with his dad and his dad's W and I'm very close with my son's family on his dad's side (uncle's, cousins, grandparents etc) I'm still friendly with my MIL and SIL. Maybe I'm a bit of a hippie but I do think everyone can get along.
Finally, I just want to say that I understand that many people on this thread are "old timers" and have seen every permutation of relationships breaking down and mistakes people make throughout that. And although from the top of the mountain the view of where a new person is and the problems that lie on the path they're attempting to take is quite plain to see for them....for the person on the path it's new and unique. And whereas you may have seen a million others just like me, and my feelings and choices aren't unique to you they are to me. I get it because I have a hard time posting to those on the newcomers forum who just join because like you said I can see it clearly and know that no matter how much they want to hold on they'll feel so much better if they let go. And I don't think I can walk someone through that process with compassion and patience because I want them to "hurry up and get it!" So I guess I'm just asking for patience and compassion with me. You may see it clearly but I'm sure at one point you were where I am now. And it's a bit like going on your first vacation alone, or starting university or losing your virginity...sure every one's done it but when you did it, it was special to you.
I don't think I'm done. I don't want to be done. Not with becoming more of a "happy, whole, strong, independent, passionate people."
Hi Brit....dropping by to say hi....wow you stirred quite a storm! lol....what are we going to do with you???! :-)
I hope you are well and have a great weekend.
thinking of you....
((((( ))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The football team reference was simply what OT said - numbers. It never implied anything more.
Sometimes we come on with so much info that never really tells the story at all. But the statistics and timeline of events told me only one thing. That you are spinning.
Your friends who all jumped on here to defend you know your story and they obviously like you. I'm sure you are a very likeable person. But remember that they are at the same stage as you. Most of the signup dates beside their names indicate less than a year on the bb. And at that stage - you are all coming from a much different place than most of us over here on Surviving.
I have actually been here since Nov 2, 2001. My husband left me and my 3 kids, the week of 9-11. The same week my daughter became a teenager. Imagation the horror we all felt as both the world and our own little world shattered. 11 years ago this week.
So why am I still here you might ask. It is to advise, support, occasionally vent and sometimes to kick a butt. And sometimes it helps. And sometimes it is taken the wrong way and everyone runs and gets their friends and fights back. But, whatever.
If you knew me - you would know that I am kind but often blunt. I am Mom to a severely handicapped son. I have probably the worse ex on the bb. (some might argue that but he was CRUEL). I have recently moved out of my "comfort zone" and into a new town which I love. And I have been in a longterm, lovely relationship for more than 8 years.
So what does that mean? I have more DB experience than most people. I have seen a lot of people make mistakes that change their future. And a lot of people make good, positive changes that have also turned things around.
Your timeframe is a bit frightening, regardless of whether some people heal faster than others. The best advice I can give you is to take some time to heal yourself. Stay in counselling. Listen to people here who have gone before you. Take the advice that helps you, drop the rest. Try to become the best YOU you can be on your own. Dating really confuses things. You might not believe it now - but you are SO not ready. It will come in time. But once you have learned to love yourself, by yourself, set some goals for your future and achieved them - you will be in a much better position to be a good partner and attract the right person into your life.
I invite you to visit my Bucket List thread. Tell me about your goals for your future. It is kind of a thought provoking thing that I started when I was at your stage. I'm happy to say that 11 years down the road - I've crossed a number of those things off my list. And moving on to more.
I wish only happiness for you. Please take that from my posts - suggestions from my experience that can help you get there. And that goes for all your friends as well. This is a board where we can all help one another.
Again - my goal was NOT to pass judgement but to ask you to step back and look at what you wrote and how that appeared you were spinning out of control.
