First, I agree with 007...he's good with the 2x4s and I think he's right on.
My W is the same way. We talked yesterday and she spent a fair amount of time talking about something that happened 15 years ago, before we were married. It's a deep deep wound that never really healed completely. Frankly, we have a lot of those on both sides. It doesn't magically go away. Listen to her, validate, apologize if you need to. Help her heal.The counseling alone is not going to do it all.
I spent a lot of time thinking "the past is the past, let's move forward" and it got me a lot of grief. My W was just not willing to do it. When I started listening to her, apologizing for past errors, working on understanding why I did and felt the things I did, then I started to see some positive responses. But again, it's a slow slow process and one blow up can set you back weeks or months.
this hit a nerve with me and not an angry one, just a BAM!!!
"apologize if you need to"....chances are great that if it still bothers her, you need to apologize. Don't act as if it's a surrender. It's a loving thing to do and it costs you nothing. Learning that fact was a huge growth step for me. Saying "I'm sorry" does NOT make me a bad person. It's kind of the opposite!
AND
It's not that we enjoy holding onto grudges. We do not. It is the FEAR that it will happen again and again if we slide it under the rug or say "it's in the past, don't talk about it"...
By putting it out in the open and owning it, meaning APOLOGIZING -
like you "get" that you hurt her AND it matters to you--
(and for ME) hearing the sincerely expressed words
"I'm sorry I hurt you, that won't happen again, I promise"
go a LONG LONG way to healing
and being in the present.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
