Not a very happy story, I'm afraid..

[25yearsmlc]

just wanted to say that although maybe your w is "wanting to control talks" I don't think it matters.

If r talk is not going well or pushes her away (*she said it ruined her day/evening)" an to ME that's not a productive discussion if you want to get closer so I'd back way off on them.

Adniva's comment about the forced date makes sense. Plan something yourself so you dont' keep setting your w or you two up for failure and disappointment.

God, I feel pretty good about my m today but if my h TOLD me to PLAN a date every week it would put a weirdly unfun spin on it.

The tit for tat argument about when you stayed out late versus her late night out
when you admitted what you really said, went terribly.

You lost a wonderful opportunity to own the past and then LEAVE IT THERE (see Bond's post to you on how to answer it) b/c that's what you will both need to do to go forward.

Lose the scorecard and the grievance list from the past.

It's not what about the past hurts; it's about going "from this day forward."

Ever wonder why THOSE^^ words are in most wedding vows? I think I know.

Last but not least, to me, is the Fantasy Football League.

OH NOOoo, You made it about YOU. Just sounds really self centered.


It's a CLUE that she is GAL and you resented it while admitting she needs space.
?????

So when she gets a little space you tell her it's wrong and

imply that
YOU should be the center of her life

but you are NOT. At least not in a good way.


Maybe you could have shown some interest in her new hobby? Maybe you know something about football? Maybe you could watch and listen to her talk about her research?

Just my initial reaction to you resenting her private GAL time and then arguing with her about FFL, after she shared that with you,

was just the opposite of how I'd have reacted...or wanted my h to react.

I think Adnva's comments about a "planned date" are probably spot on.

If you were both into the marriage and wanting to repair things and open to it, you could start making time for the r and making dates. You would not need to remind her...let alone

forcing it upon her, which would not have made me think the forced 45 FORTY FIVE minute(!!!) R talk was worth it.

sorry.

But it's 2 steps forward one step back.

To me, whether there is an OM or not, is that becoming your best self means major detachment NOW.

Back WAY off and GAL.

You realize, We hammer the GAL stuff a lot b/c we believe and we KNOW it works.

Please listen to us. Meet new people. I cannot recall if MWD says that in the DR book

but to ME, GAL almost does not count if no one else is involved.

MEANING if it is all "solo" activities like lone bike rides, that is NOT GAL.

That's you getting alone time. Not the same thing. Meet some new people who don't know or care about your situation.

If your w asks you to go dancing, and I pray she does, dear God, DO IT.
(your movie example struck a chord in me. I didn't care for your reasoning when you said your w could watch a ROMANTIC comedy with her girlfriends so you would prefer she not spend YOUR time doing that and instead you two would see a movie neither of you wanted to see. To me that did smack of you not wanting to "give in" and unfortunately you failed to see the word ROMANTIC in the title of the movie types.

We want romance IN our marriages and if we don't have it INSIDE the way we talk or interact, then at least we can share a fantasy of it with our spouse at a movie...

Rent some romantic comedies (they're supposed to be funny so, if you like to laugh, that helps)

and see if you can casually ask her to watch one with you OR just let her see YOU watching it. It won't kill you. And it shows change.

**
For a new crazy activity to do together once a week,

Maybe YOU can suggest Arthur Murray ballroom dancing ...yes I'm serious. Don't scoff about getting out of your comfort zone. (Surely you are not in one now anyhow).

OR at least watch the TV shows "So You Think You Can Dance" or "Dancing with the Stars" which is bringing back ballroom dancing to more updated music. It's very erotic and romantic. So many couples meet there...or bond.

The best dates I've had with my were dancing ones, like our first 10...and weddings and other times. I just love it. OR go see a live comedian if you can rule out too much raunchiness. Brian Regan, Bonnie McFarlane, Maria Bamford, Jeff Dunham are all fairly clean to very clean...same for Dennis Miller. Laughing together is a turn on and it builds good memories.

Anyhow,
You need to be way WAY more mysterious and busy

but then when you are with her, which you will be some, (not as much as you want but that's how it is)

you must be interesting/interestED and appealing and warm and upbeat.

Like you KNOW you have a great future in your life...

remember those first Newbie Rules? I'll post them again if I can't find them here.

Good luck