Well I done the help getting the house ready to sell. I thought it was a nice thing to do. Later on that evening while visiting a friend of ours (the friend doesn't know all the ins and outs) and the friend basically confirmed my wife has been seeing someone else. No names or times mentioned and I didn't ask but it seemed obvious it was the guy she had the affair with and it's still going on. Her exact words were "she's mentioned she's sorta seeing someone".
Am at my wits end with all this. Any idea of going dark which would have been in the past a tactic to sort this out is now a genuine going dark and the only communication will be between lawyers.
I've offered her ever olive branch and every chance to be up front and honest with me and it's terrible knowing am being made a fool out of.
What should I do? What's the advice of members on here?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Just had a very long telephone convo with my wife. After a long talk and lots of speaking about our actions before and after the seperation she finally admitted to having an affair and it's still going on with this guy. She is still saying the affair has nothing to do with us breaking up (opinions on that would be great) and she's sorry.
Before the talk ended she asked if I'd be keeping in contact with her or if am going to start ignoring her. I could tell from her voice she was upset at the idea I was going to start ignoring her and never talk to her again. (how should I read into that?). Is that a good or bad sign for me.
Do the members think any of this is going to help my situation?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Hi Kevin- I understand your pain, I am there with you. If you’re having “long conversations” with her, I would suggest stopping them. From your posts, it sounds like you might want us to give YOU the answers that YOU want to hear. You also mentioned, “how should I read into that”. Well, I think you know the answer, don’t read into it and DON’T let her know that you’re going to minimize the communication with her, just do it.
Your also asking if this is “a good or bad sign”. I feel there’s no good or bad sign. At this stage in your sitch, there's just to much speculation. Remember the term, don’t believe what they say? I would suggest that you stop taking the focus off HER and make it more about YOU. How often do you talk with W? How often do you see W? How often do you call W? What do you usually talk with W about?
I can tell from your postings that your asking lots of questions to members on this forum, that's great. It's obvious you want to learn and improve yourself. I understand your feeling low about yourself, that's natural. Make sure to take care of yourself Kevin and stay strong.
Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Quick update (can yous tell am a talker or as 5 love languages says am a babbling brook) --- She said "that's really nice of you and I appreciate the offer but am off Tuesday so I was gonna get it started then" I said "if it's your day off Tuesday why don't ya do something on your day off rather than fix the house. Something you enjoy doing. I'll get started on Thursday and I don't think it'll take long to get it fixed so make Tuesday a day for you to go enjoy yourself" She said "ok that's nice of you. I need to get some work done before I get a call at 2 so I'll call you back later" I said "look it's ok. You don't have to call back I just wanted to arrange Thursday so it's cool. I'll see ya Wednesday afternoon" She said "ok Wednesday"
I think that's a great start. Not the answer to everything but an oppertunity to show a change starting. Plant a seed so it can grow. I can't expect things to change over night. But I think this is a step in the right direction.
Her 5 love laugages (which I've always known) are:- 1-service. 2-quality time. 3-words of affirmation. That's the main 3. This oppertunity is a chance to give all 3. We both help with fixing this house to sell spending time together focusing on a project that's not the relationship but has a positive out come. Encourage and compliment her on the jobs she does. And taking time out to help her is the service.
I hope am going about this in the right way.
Tell me if am not or making a mistake. The pitfall I see with this plan in not giving her space. Should that be a real concern?
Kevin.
yes not giving her enough space is a major concern. The other one is now the OM. You sound "DONE" with her based on her seeing an OM. maybe that is so.
If so, not much for me to add although I do hope you'll learn something about yourself in this. If you are to endure a lot of pain it's crazy not to at least improve from it so your next relationship, even if with her (ESPECIALLY if with her) is a better and different one. I'd keep showing her the new you so she second guesses her choice of OM. Of course that means the focus must be on YOURSELF and your own work to become the best kevin you can become.
Not about her or her flaws or her mistakes now. All about YOU...so I'd be the better choice.
That is still my advice regardless of whether you are to divorce her.
But ignoring her when it's cold or rude,
or acting angry
only helps her justify her choice to leave you, and it certainly does not make her miss you.
Keep that in mind.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't want to divorce my wife. And am not done even though I want this pain to stop. I don't know what's best apart from focus on me. Like you said "be the best Kevin I can be".
Yes the OM bothers me. I does make me think though all the reasons and things she has tried to blame me for or the faults she's tried to pick (they change daily) are not the reasons for her ended our marraige but it's more likely the high from her new relationship. (thoughts?).
Her text to me tonight end with her sayin "speak soon :-)".
That was her that said that. I didn't ask. Actually I said in my text "I hope you'll take care of yourself" in the terms of in the future. She replied with a text hoping I was ok - speak soon :-). I don't get that. Why say that. (wow I really am all over the place).
I agree with what you said 25years. Focus on me and make the best me. Let her second guess her choice. Don't be rude or angry. Give her space.
Am not going to contact her. If or when she contacts me am going to be polite, calm, and positive about things.
Kevin.
Keep the support and advice coming guys and girls. Thanks too everyone who has replied so far.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I don't want to divorce my wife. And am not done even though I want this pain to stop. I don't know what's best apart from focus on me. Like you said "be the best Kevin I can be".
Yes the OM bothers me. I does make me think though all the reasons and things she has tried to blame me for or the faults she's tried to pick (they change daily) are not the reasons for her ended our marraige but it's more likely the high from her new relationship. (thoughts?). I think it's irrelevant. I think your course of action is still the same. You be your best self.
Her text to me tonight end with her sayin "speak soon :-)".
That was her that said that. I didn't ask. This is trivial meaningless stuff. ^^^ It's just civil and polite. Don't read into it.
Actually I said in my text "I hope you'll take care of yourself" in the terms of in the future. She replied with a text hoping I was ok - speak soon :-). I don't get that. Why say that. (wow I really am all over the place).
STOP....STOP reacting. Seriously, IT's NOT a "message"....you will KNOW when and if she changes her mind or wants back in or at least the signs will be stronger than these little symbols.
I agree with what you said 25years. Focus on me and make the best me. Let her second guess her choice. Don't be rude or angry. Give her space.
Am not going to contact her. If or when she contacts me am going to be polite, calm, and positive about things.
Sounds like a PLAN. Now stick with it and STOP the obsessing and reacting. GAL or you will go nuts.
Kevin.
Keep the support and advice coming guys and girls. Thanks too everyone who has replied so far.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Once again thank you 25years for offering me clarity.
I've thought myself "this is sending me nuts and I am focusing on all the small stuff". My wife yesterday when she broke down and confessed her affair was very emotional. She only confessed because she had been caught. I know this and it wasn't something she was doing for me. I feel she is ashamed of all this. Yes I read into that as something that can benifit me but like you said that's the stuff I need to change. The small things and focusing on the small scraps of contact and talking about the relationship does me no good at all.
I need to start embracing the suggestions on here. Of course my fear is if I make myself less available then she'll forget me and lose any interest in me. But it's plain see. What I've done in the past has not done any good. A little less contact and being myself a bit more has brought us closer so keep doing what gets results (cheese less tunnels).
I think her now confessing about the OM will take away from the new relation ship some excitement. I also still don't think he knows the truth. My best guess is this new relationship will fail (my hope also). But once again that's not me focusing on me.
I have a plan now like you said 25years. Stick too it.
I really don't think my wife and I are that far apart. She has pushed her feelings away and she still loves me. I might be wrong. She is definatly confused. She said as she broke down yesterday on the phone "this other guy and my new friends and my partying is a distraction because when I sit on my own I think about what's happened and if I tried hard enough". Once again signals but too small to focus on I guess.
My plan is be the best me. Really GAL and give her space and wait and be a gentleman when in touch with her, polite, calm and secure with me.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Am a good looking talented guy and I get offers all the time. Is that GAL or is that just putting nails in my coffin?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Should I start seeing other women? seriously? You think you are anywhere near ready to date OWs?
Like you are emotionally available for a relationship w/someone else, WHILE wanting your w back?
Or you just want to have sex or companionship.
I'm actually curious b/c your previous posts show you want to be m to your w, you are "going to be patient" and "be a gentleman" when she looks your way, "Sticking to the plan", etc
but then you ask THIS question, maybe 48 HOURS after you discover your w is seeing OM...
It's not fair to OWs to date right now. It's FINE to be mysterious. You don't have to tell your w you are not dating.
But I cannot imagine it doing much but complicating your life at the moment.
Sometime from now if you are giving up, AND have learned something about yourself, then maybe you will be ready. Dating now will stop your growth and introspection. For ME, that's the biggest reason not to date so damn fast.
You'll also lose any moral high ground w/your wife when she learns that you began dating while being married AND while saying you wanted to make it work.
The reason SO MANY 2nd m's end in divorce (more than the first ones) is b/c of folks who rush into a new relationship b/c of their utter terror of being alone for a bit. They learn little to nothing about what went wrong in their first r, and they stop looking in the mirror and halt all inner progress.
What is the rush?
Am a good looking talented guy and I get offers all the time. Is that GAL or is that just putting nails in my coffin?
Kevin.
To me, at this point, it'll look very needy and weak and "young"-as in not mature. Like a tit for tat or a man who HAS to have a woman on his arm all the time.
See what Bond or others think. I'm pretty opinionated on this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your reply is the exact reason I asked the question so thanks.
To explain more. Am like the rest of the humans on the planet and I like contact with other people. And as shallow as it seems I like women. Am not meaning sex but more dinner or going to a bar or movie with a female. Mainly though it's to GAL and appear to be moving on. I'd hope that my wife would think " hold on, someone else likes my husband. Someone else sees him as the best choice, I don't know if I want him with someone else, he might be happy."
From my experience it does seem to me there's one set of rules for her and another set for me. It's alright for her to sow her oats as bond put it but she might not like the reality that so can I. It might make her stop and look why someone would want me and start to see herself why she wants me. It's like she's shouted at me and told me nasty things then said sorry. I don't bring it up. Ive shouted at her and said nasty things, said sorry but then she does cast them up when it suits her. 2 sets of rules with the deck stacked in her favour.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
