So here is the latest. It's my W's bday today and she sends me a text at work that she is feeling lonely (W had the day off). I told her i had a few things to finish up but that i planned on leaving early anyway. I get home and she thanked me and starts talking about the OM and how there is rumors of him having PA with one of my W co-workers (basically during the same time while on the work trip). My W says how she feels used and looks like a fool. I started to tell her that we all knew he was a slimeball but quickly saw that I was being trapped into a bad conversation. At one point I told her now you know what I felt like when you did the same thing to me. My W agreed but quickly turned it around so that she was the victom (I should have not said it but this is a work in progress for me). My W goes on to say that she has no one to talk to and that she knows this is hard for me to hear but that OM got to her. She has since seen him and has been very cold to him. She is very angry at OM. She then said that she needs to get over what she did and until then can't even decide if she wants to move forward in relationship. She said that she is not sure I am the "right fit" for her. I found myself on a few times trying to talk about R and how she was feeling but quickly realized that I needed to keep my mouth shut. Her final statement to me was that she is afraid that she enjoyed how the PA made her feel and that she has been trying to go back into our 10 years of being together and could not remember ever feeling that way. Again I tried to convince her otherwise but stopped short and simply said ok. I decided it would be best if i left the room for a while. After a few miutes she appreciated that I was listening to her and that she knew all of this was hard for me to hear but that if we were ever going to move forward to work on us that she needs to get over the feeling of having the PA...It hurts to hear but after reading so many of the posts on this forum it sounds like so many of the stories I have read about S who have PA and how they are on a high and forget about all the good times we experienced. I needed to get this out of my system as I know I am not alone in hearing what she said today...
I'm impressed with how your wife was able to tell you all this. I know it hurts a lot, but it's good she is able to verbalize all this. In my sitch I had to guess at all this cuz I couldn't bear to hear H talk to me about how he felt about OW.
Your next big step (if you haven't already) is to find out what is it that she enjoyed so much about OM. This hurt me a lot but once I recovered I was able to get to work!
Have a safe voyage!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you vero...it is extremely difficult to hear how she talks about OM and PA at times. I have asked the question before and she just responded with the "attention she got from OM". I said I could give her that but she has closed me out for now so trying is not an option. I continue to work on me and doing little things that make me a better person.
Her biggest issues is that she says she thinks about having the PA everyday. She is being very hard on herself as she can't believe she allowed it to happen (making matters worse to a slime ball). She says she needs to get over her thoughts about it if things will ever work (and she is not convinced about wanting it to work either). I don't know if there is anything I can do to help with what she is dealing with. All I say is that time will make things better but that it will take lots of it.
I continue to give her space and that is all I can do for now.
BD - thanks for the suggestion. I picked up the 5 love languages this weekend and read it. Very helpful indeed. My W and I both took the 5 love languages test after it was recommended during an early MC session. I am fortunate enough to have her list and what her primary love language is (quality time). We have had a few conversations around what she got from OM and her response has been "attention and how it made her feel" She really does not get too specific and i have learned to back off as it just creates tension. I have decided to work on myself and doing the little things that will make me a better person. I will say that after reading the book it has given me some examples of things i can do but i am in a tough situation where i need to respect her space. We enjoyed a good weekend and she is speaking to me and allowing me to be close but we are a ways off from getting to where we need to be.
So a bit of an update on my situation. When we got in the car last night after work my W started to cry about her day. I know that the last few weeks have been very stressful at work. I decided that I would work on my goal of being a better listener and not interupt or even offer solutions. I simply listened, gave her all of my attention (looking her in the eye) and sympathized. She talked the entire ride home (hour). She said she had been holding it in at work and wanted someone to listen. She even asked if I wanted to go running with her that evening. I said that would be a good way to releive some of her stress. She continued to talk the rest of the night and I listened as a friend. My W is typically not a morning person so in the car this morning she once again started to chat and even smile as she talked about her work stuff. I know i should not get my hopes up but it felt nice to have her smiling and laughing as she talked to me...
Having a rough day today. My W and I took a trip this past weekend that we had planned before any of our situation happened. We went with a group of friends and my goal was to have fun. When we got back on Tuesday my W said that although she had fun she thought I "smothered" her. My W got sick twice and I thought I was being nice by tring to help her eat and stay hydrated etc. She got mad and told me she did not need my help. I just did what I thought was the right think to do. I have decided that being in the same house and getting treated like I am is no longer healthy for me (I have lost 25 lbs in 3 months). I told my W that I was going to move out because the overall situation was unhealthy and that I also wanted to work on me while allowing her some space (she made a comment on Tuesday that she thought she was ready for more space). She said that she understood my reasons and that she knew she was treating me badly and that I did not deserve it. She then started to guilt me in wanting to leave. I kept my line in that the existing situation was not healthy. She then started to tell me that she thinks of dating other people at times and that she could not wait for me forever. I was shocked to hear her say that as i have been the one who has been giving her space and told her that I would give her as much as she needed. I told her i did not understand why she was saying that but then after she asked me if I planned on wearing my ring it became obvious. I said I planned on wearing it. She said that she did not want to lie anymore. I told her we have been living a lie for the last 3 months because she has not told anyone about our situation (we have been to her parents house a few times since this all happened). I was very dissapointed to hear her say that she wanted to take her rings off. She said that if I wanted an answer that day I would not like what she would say. I told her that my moving out was not the end all but that I could also not wait around forever. She understood and said she needs to make up her mind but does not know how long it will take. I started to look for a short term lease on an apartment so that I have space for our children. I am trying to hang in there but hearing her say those things really set me back. I am hoping to detach by moving out and letting her feel what it will be like without me in her life. I am struggling with my decision to leave and not sure if it was the right thing to do...
Here is an update from my last post…I moved out temporarily until I could find a short term lease on a place so that I could spend time with my kids. During this time my W sent me a text saying that she was having a really bad day at work. She said someone approached her in the morning and basically knew everything that had happened between her and OM at work. They told her that I knew about it and that I was angry (not sure how any of this came about). She was very upset with me because she thought that I was slandering her at work. I told her that I did no such as that would not get me any closer to making us work. We decided to meet at our house later that night and she broke down crying. I explained that I had nothing to do with that she was told and that I have been the only person in her life that has stood by her this entire time. She agreed and said that someone wanted to see us fail and cause some big problems in our lives. She said that it was not good for the kids. She said the only person she could trust right now was me and asked if I would move back in with her to try and make things work. She said she wanted to show people that we are trying to work things out. I agreed but have my concerns about this being a weak moment for her. For the 1st time in months the other day she rubbed my neck like she used to when we were happy. I did not say anything but felt happy. I hope that this is a good sign but wanted to see if anyone had experienced anything similar. I am going to continue to give her space as I am not sure if this is a jerk reaction to what happened at work or if she truly means it. I would be open to anyone’s thoughts based on experience…
Is this piecing??? It's been almost 2 weeks now since my W asked me to come back home and work on our R. She surprised me last week by asking me to a dinner date. We had our dinner date last night and it went well. We kept it fun but she also said it was ok to talk about serious things and R. We briefly discussed our future and how we would take it slow. My W said that she is really trying to work on our R but worries that maybe in 5-10 years from now that we could be in the same place that got us here etc. I simply said that my goal was to be a better person and not allow that to happen because of me. We both agreed that communicating when things are not good is critical in making things work. She also surprised me earlier this week by booking a vacation for us and the kids. I told her that I was excited and looked forward to the trip as a family. Our goal is to move closer to our jobs as we have a long commute so we discussed plans and timelines for that change. SHe has been much closer to me over the last 2 weeks. We have been intimate since then as well which had not happened in quite some time. I am still a little cautious but would this be considered piecing? I want to make sure i do the right things as she did say that taking it slow and giving her space is important to making our R work.
Well it sure sounds like piecing! Wow, what a fast turnaround! Congrats! It sounds like you're being cautious and by all means you should be. Now would be a good time to define some parameters in the reconciliation such as IC, MC, boundaries (no talking to OM, etc.), perhaps a commitment to the next Retrovaille that comes to your area. It's very important not to fall back into old habits, stick to your 180s! Congrats again and please keep us posted! It gives the rest of us hope to hear success stories
