More patience??? Really???

[ces67]

journaling:

2nd MC session took place today. IMO, it went well. We had homework to discover our "conflict styles" W and I are very similar in that we both approach daily conflict in the same way typically. We both start off as "harmonizing" and then move to "avoiding". There are 3 other styles in the eval as well. no style is "wrong" but as with any tool, you need to pick the right one for the right job. And we typically get comfortable with one tool and use it everywhere whether it works or not.

This led to other conversations about our lack of conversation over the past few years. The MCr had us to a "speaker/listener" exercise where one of us spoke, the other listened and then repeated back what they had heard.

Set up:
So to set this up a comment my W made was that she had stopped talking to me because to her I didn't listen and didn't care. I expressed that W thinks and talks much faster than I process. W even said she has multiple ideas running through her head at all times. For me, it takes a moment to process and connect the dots sometimes when she speaks to me.

Example: Last night W said, "I need gas for the car because I have to go into town tomorrow".
Me: At first I was puzzled because I didn't immediately connect that "going into town" meant going to our MC session. It took me just a second or two to process but in that moment, my face looked puzzled and my W got frustrated, assuming I had not remembered our session and therefore devalued her.

So from this, the exercise started with MCr asking both of us to write down 3 things that our spouse could do to help the other feel safe when talking. One of mine was that W listen to all I have to say before offering solutions. Here's what I said:

me: "It would help me feel safe if you listened to all that I had to say on a topic. Sometimes it can take me a bit longer to process all that I need to say and sometimes I just need to speak to process. You have good solutions and I want to hear them but it would help me if you let me talk through it before you offer solutions. I feel like my thoughts/ideas are not really heard when I'm interrupted with solutions before I can complete my thoughts."

W turns to MCr and says: "and what I just heard is that he doesn't want to hear me and my opinions don't matter."

MCr did a great job walking us through that scenario again and even pointed out that I had complimented Lisa by saying she had good solutions.

W talked about how during the day she can feel comfortable that she is where she needs to be and that she wants to work on our M but when get home she tenses up immediately and feels defensive.

MCr pointed out that W is perceiving threats where there are none and part of that may be related to her abusive upbringing.

We got more homework that will cultivate conversation skills between us and W and I went to lunch together after the appt. Also, W called me after lunch to tell me about her talking to a hiring manager about a job she has applied for and was able to see notes from the other employees stating she would be a good fit for the job. I feel very fortunate that she shared that good news with me and I commended her for her efforts.

So far MC seems to be providing the structure I was hoping for to help us reconnect. Still a long journey but the first few steps seem to be productive ones.