Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Ok, I had to break up the post.

You are correct, I have been focused on H. I have have been trying to work on not letting what he does affect me. I did ok for a while but fell off the track. I think it depends on how stressed I already am by the time we interact.

Taking care of a disabled child is tiring and emotionally draining at times. I get mad that I am shouldering the burden. She has doctors 2 hours away and I am the one who missed work to take her. I've asked H to be involved but he's told me he would rather that I handle it. I do feel like I am taken for granted. It is very easy for me to GAL during the week during the day, but not so much in the evenings or on the weekends.

I am not gone a lot. When I went to DC in August, that was the first time I went away by myself in several years. I've been to visit my family with D a few times over the past few years (like 1 time per year) and H is always invited but never comes and has told me he has no desire to travel north but that I should go. The activities that I've done in the evenings over the past few weeks are out of the ordinary.

The sauce may seem trivial, and I didn't make a big deal out of it. I mentioned how I've been treated if I changed food, including one stupid brand of something. I've been yelled at, left at the table, had the food thrown out. One of the D bombs came on an evening that I had made something new that he didn't like. He's also told me that when I change brands of something I do it on purposed to make him mad. I don't get the double standard and don't care for it.

I did tell H I would love to go for a ride and how excited I was several times. When we had the fight, the motorcycle was just what pushed me over the edge. I've acknowledged that I voiced my feelings improperly and am making a concious effort to watch what I say and how I express myself.

I do try to be happy to the point of H asking why I was acting like everything is ok. I have been looking nice and trying to be as upbeat as I possibly can. I do not cook to be nice. I cook because D and I have to eat and I enjoy cooking. I've started eating when the food is ready and he can eat or not, his choice. In the past, I have not cooked and that makes him mad and I get accused of intentionally being evil to him. I think his coming home later than dinner time is intentional. D stands at the door wanted to know where her dad is and why he is late.

Abandonment - his dad died when he was 33 and going thru hell. His mom died when he was 40 and 2 weeks before our D was born. Both of his xW's were the plaintiffs. His brother is off on a drug binge and always is. D is his only child and it has been hard for him to accept her limitations.

Several years ago, I did threaten to leave. After I realized that was not what I wanted, I sat him down and told him it was not what I wanted, that I was stupid for saying it and that I was sorry. Since that time, I have never threated with D again. I think he is afraid that I will still leave him. Several times when we've fought he's said "Go ahead and tell me you want a D. I know you want to."

I do try not to worry about what H is doing when I plan my days. However, I guess I haven't gotten to the point that I am fine hiring someone to be with D when I have to be gone for more than a few hours, or will be gone and cannot be reached.

I always ask H if he is available for D when I am making plans, which I guess is probably asking him for permission to do what I want to do. H never does. He just tells me what he is doing and assumes that I have nothing planned. This dynamic is what I am struggling with right now. Any ideas on what I can do/say? I think some of our control issues are still under the surface for me.

I truly appreciate your response. This is difficult for me to navigate through and as I admitted, I tend to analyze which is bad for trying to stop some of this behavior.