Hi Hopeful. I just finished reading your threads and I'm going to apologize for the long post in advance, because I jotted down thoughts as I read thru.
First, what are you doing to work on you? At the beginning of your thread, you mentioned that you had some issues, and others became apparent as I read thru your sitch. Do these sound like they fit: - jealous? - critical? - controlling? - insecure?
Where do these come from? How are you addressing them?
I like that you read 5 LL and have started the codependence book, but are you really digging into your own issues? Do you even know what your H's LL is?
You seem to be focused so much on H. He's an @ss, he's rude, he's disrepectful, he doesn't listen, he is always gone, he doesn't appreciate you. You can't change any of that. What are you doing about the things you can change?
Some of the things you have an issue with seem trivial to me (no offense). The BBQ sauce thing? Really? The motorcycle seat? You wanted to be taken for a ride, but instead of simply saying something like "I'd love to go for a ride when you have time" you say some negative things to take out your frustration. That just pushes H away.
I know how this is, because I've done it a lot myself. Even recently I said something to W (jokingly, but there was some seriousness in it as well) about wearing sexy panties to work, but wearing crappy ones at home. It was a criticism, with a goal of control, and she knew it straight out and got irritated with me (rightfully so). What I should have said was "I'd really like it if you wore some sexy panties around the house sometimes....it turns me on." Again, this is silly stuff to argue about....say what you want direct.
There is an awful lot I'm confused about in your sitch, because the two of you seem to be living singles lives. You both are super busy with your own stuff, but don't really do anything together. Is this the way it's always been? Is this the way you want it?
I don't know about H, why he's always gone, or why he's always pissy, but it may be a coping mechanism. Frankly, I would stop worrying about him, and really focus on you being happy. And not just alone, when you are around him! I wouldn't pursue him, and I'd probably stop doing the dinner thing (you can cook it, but I'd stop waiting on him). Do what feels right to you, but stop looking for a reaction to it. If you are only making him dinner for a "thank you" then stop it. If you do it because it's not a big deal to throw in one more piece of chicken, then go ahead.
I struggled for a couple of years now with being taken for granted, being home all the time, doing the dinners, the kids activities, etc. W actually came out and told me not too long ago that she was trying to get me to leave (I guess I'm too dumb or too stubborn!). What Mach1 helped me with was to stop worrying about what W was doing and when, and just planning my own days. When I'm doing dinner, I say "W, I'm making dinner and it'll be ready at 7...be great if you could join us." When I'm not, I say "W, I have plans tonight, and won't be making dinner for kids." I don't get mad when she doesn't show up, and I don't worry about whether she's going to take care of kids when I'm gone (ok, I worry a little, but if they have to eat PBJ, that's on her).
I found it interesting that you said your H was insecure. I definitely didn't get that vibe from your threads. If anything, he sounds pretty grounded...you seem to be gone a lot and that would freak me out if it were me. It sounded to me like he likes to feel valued and appreciated. Maybe that's why he goes out of his way to help others?
I know you said you think there's a lot of similarity between your and LA's sitches, but with LA's, I think her H has abandonment issues, much like myself. With your case, I don't think it's your H that is more like me...
