PS why is he ok with talking about some things but not about others? This past week my dad and I made something and he has complimented it as I sent pictures. I sent him a picture of a political shirt my friend bought me and he didn't reply at all to that one. I guess he doesn't want to compliment any thing I am wearing?
Safe topics only my coach says. It's hard to figur out what is safe and what is not though:-(
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Safe topic: guns and hunting. He volunteered info today without me asking about his gun! Took it to the range and sent me a picture, then told me he was going out hunting tonight (feral pigs.) it is something we enjoy doing together when I am there, and while I not expecting it, I am hoping we will go together sometime after I am back. Deer season is right around the corner.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I've been in for ten years both active and guard. Females cheating rampantly is an ugly stereotype, but one with some very painful truths. (as you said 2 out of 3 in your unit is pretty terrible.)
I'm pretty sure your husband is well aware of this. It's something you both will need to work on.
From the way you talk it sounds like your husband does not catch a break at home. You being a pessimist, a strong military woman, constantly hounding him about finances, and very opinionated makes it sound like the poor guy never gets a break.
Ask yourself this do you act around him to make him feel like a man?
Now all I know from you and your marriage is what you have posted. So please forgive me if I have it all wrong.
I do believe that a man needs a lot of female attention AND admiration. If he feels his wife ignores him or worse is hyper critical then it's no surprise that he feels compelled to spend time with other women. On top of that when you spend time with the guys he knows you'll be treating them well. (otherwise why would you hang out with them). At some level he may feel they are getting the positive attention he wishes to get from you.
Remember this is not about physically cheating. It's about positive attention.
Your husband made some pretty immature financial mistakes, it sounds like through hard work you BOTH got through them. Will you forever treat him like a child for it?
There is a book that compliments DB really well called the five love languages. It may help, it sounds to me like you guys may have stopped showing genuine love to each other and were more preoccupied with defending yourself or attacking the other.
Now the usual caveat applies and I may be totally wrong, just some things to think about.
You are totally spot on. He is not in the military at all. He wasn't catching a break at home. Then he started not telling me things so he could. I am admitting fault there and working on myself. I need I'm to start trusting that he won't catch crap from me. I am hoping st that point he can stop lying and hiding things. Until then...we will both have trust issues.
I did want to point out that he didn't make much effort through the whole getting financial stuff back in line. I did almost all the legwork. Found the lawyer, made him make the appointment, found the CPA and got the paperwork together for the IRS stuff, paid the past due stuff to get caught up, manage all finances and bill paying for the household in general. He admits he 'is not good at finances' and since I am, it is easier to just let me do it. The hardest tart about this is when he comes and says can we buy XYZ and I say no, he says why, and I explain. It doesn't sit well with him. I need to let the leash go and say yes, we can but we need to save for X months/weeks/days in order to do so. I am not there yet as we are not currently talking about finances (not a safe topic.) I will save that for later.
I also have to learn how to make him feel like he is number one. He is always invited out with me when I am with my military buddies, it is just that on drill weekends he is usually working (he has a side job where he does some functions for the NFL for one team when they are at home.) it is not easy because I am not a mushy person, though we are both very in to sex, touching etc. I have a hard time giving compliments. I have been working on the while I am gone on other people, saying please and thank you a lot and making small compliments aniut them. My friends are my guinea pigs if you will.
I did break my NC deal this weekend because he contacted me first. Showed me pictures of his shooting at the range. I told him it was impressive (it was) and if he went hunting again to let me know what he shoots. He said he forgot the AL/MI game was on so went back home to watch it. I made a funny comment about Nick Sabans hair, and he replied with one about Dana Holgersons mullet (neither of us are fans of either team, he is just a mans man and super in to football and I enjoy watching it some.) it was good and light hearted.
Other than that still trying to give him plenty of space and talk only about safe topics. Football can be added to the list. It may hurt his feelings later to know that I am planning a weekend at a game without him, but before I came here I did ask him if he wanted to get tickets and he did not. I am assuming that is because we were not doing well (worse now) at the time, but he still may be hurt by it. I don't quite know how to bring that up.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I've been in for ten years both active and guard. Females cheating rampantly is an ugly stereotype, but one with some very painful truths. (as you said 2 out of 3 in your unit is pretty terrible.)
I'm pretty sure your husband is well aware of this. It's something you both will need to work on.
From the way you talk it sounds like your husband does not catch a break at home. You being a pessimist, a strong military woman, constantly hounding him about finances, and very opinionated makes it sound like the poor guy never gets a break.
Ask yourself this do you act around him to make him feel like a man?
Now all I know from you and your marriage is what you have posted. So please forgive me if I have it all wrong.
I do believe that a man needs a lot of female attention AND admiration. If he feels his wife ignores him or worse is hyper critical then it's no surprise that he feels compelled to spend time with other women. On top of that when you spend time with the guys he knows you'll be treating them well. (otherwise why would you hang out with them). At some level he may feel they are getting the positive attention he wishes to get from you.
Remember this is not about physically cheating. It's about positive attention.
Your husband made some pretty immature financial mistakes, it sounds like through hard work you BOTH got through them. Will you forever treat him like a child for it?
There is a book that compliments DB really well called the five love languages. It may help, it sounds to me like you guys may have stopped showing genuine love to each other and were more preoccupied with defending yourself or attacking the other.
Now the usual caveat applies and I may be totally wrong, just some things to think about.
Ordering the five love languages now, I have read elsewhere it is a great book!
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Also took love languages assessment: mine is physical touch followed right behind with quality time...I got the physical touch portion with my relationship but not the quality time. I actually tole him I wanted to spend more time with him and go do stuff. He took that to mean go do stuff that costs money. Not true. I would love nothing more than to go on evening walks with him.
I am going to try to guess his is words of affirmation, something I need to work on.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
I don't know if this is a positive or negative. He really is talking to me more and more. He is still not sharing everything, still not initiating much contact (did tonight when he locked his keys in our truck and needed help with who we have for roads I assistance) but he is talking to me and not just blowing me off.
He has also been using the joint account to spend money...not much, all within reason, but he usually uses his credit card, because I am not on it/can't see it, so I can't gripe about him spending money. Is this a test? I didn't say a word when I saw the charges, just continues on my merry way.
Should I keep talking to him? Should I stop? I don't know what's is thinking nor what to do. I wanted to tell him at October 19-21 I will be out of town so need him to watch dogs, but I feel like that would be pressure on him, by telling him I summit going anywhere and making him think 'R' issues, things which my cach told me to avoid since it is not a safe topic. That said, I still don't know what is going to happen when I get home. He has not brought up any R talk at all, but has continued to chit chat with me about finances, dogs, guns, hunting, college football etc.
Thoughts?
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
CPA called today asking how we wanted to proceed with H's taxes. I called H as this is important to me (J hold a security clearance and do not want that jeopardized.)
He asked if the CPA could for sure knock off money. I said I didn't know, but that is what he does for a living (mainly for people behind on taxes.) he asked how much I thought they could knock off, and I again said I didn't know, as the CPA never mentioned how much he thought he could knock off.
FYI this all occurred prior to marriage I just don't need my security clearance revoked or I'm up the creek.Nothing else to really report. I go home one week from Friday and am not sure what is waiting for me.
Also wanted to apologize for typos etc. i just went back snd re read some of my posts and some sreas are bad. I still have not mastered the art of typing on this iPad and looking for auto corrects.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
He called me yesterday out of the blue. Told me about his hunting trip where he missed a shot, then told me his plans for the rest of the week without me asking. That was the first time he initiated contact on his own since a couple weeks ago. It was one of my small goals. Now to just keep him going.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
Had a conversation with my DB coach yesterday. IRS isn't going to negotiate debt down. I said it was pointless getting the CPA involved any longer, as he could file the paperwork for an natal lent plan on his own. He agreed. I asked if he wanted me to do it for him, he said no. Issue with that is, he is probably not going to do it. I spoke to my coach about this and told her I would rather just get it done and file it and not tell him. She asked how that would make him feel. I said he would probably not even care as someone would do that for him so it is one less thing he has to do.
He has been a little more standoffish since the news about the IRS. He did however, send me a link to a groupon for a tablet he wanted and asked me what I thought about them. I told him my thoughts and that it seemed like a good purchase. He went on to tell me about the price, how much his next check would be, and his plans for the week with regards to work.
I also had to bring up the fact that I am coming home soon. I didn't do it during a phone conversation, but instead sent him a text message. I just said I realized I didn't have a house key here with me, told him around when I would be back (driving and it takes 24 hours to get there) and asked that, if he was not going to be there, if he would leave me a way in to the house. He replied with 'ok.' whatever that means.
Last night he was supposed to call but he stayed late playing poker. I sent him a message that I was going to bed, and said goodnight. He replied back with he had been playing poker late, and he hoped I had a good day today.
This up and down is hard for me. I am journalist here versus sending him more messages, and emails, but it is not easy. I just wish I knew what I was going home to. We are still commingling finances in a joint account, I am still paying bills (he doesn't like doing finances,) we are still sharing what we are doing with each other, he just doesn't want to talk about 'us' which frustrates me to no end. I know I need to be patient, do this is just me griping since I can't talk to any one else!
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
