So here I am. I've been reading this site and books for a month or so now, trying to still stand but currently tumbling. I finally want to take myself off the roller coaster ride but I don't want to end my marriage.
I have read all manner of posts on this site and none seem to mirror mine. I am putting this out here, seeking views, suggestions and some 2x4s!
Apologies upfront that this is a long introduction
I have been on this ride since October 2010 when he bombed with essentially ILYBINILWY and moved out. After he left I got IC. It helped me to see the role I played in destroying our relationship. I have an abandonment trigger from a childhood scar and whenever I perceived him emotionally detaching from me (e.g playing XBOX for hours) I would push for attention. Additionally whenever he was in a bad mood, I would autothink it was because of me. I was pretty selfish - expressing what I wanted to do and not being happy if he didn't want to do it with me.
Looking at the relationship before Oct 2010 I think a) he had a choice and could have stood up for himself and b) we both should have spoken up sooner about how separated we felt in our marriage. But once you are in that place it is very hard to reach out to the other. I didn't even know how to open a conversation with him about how I felt as whenever he perceives a difficult conversation looming he closes down (he has done this all through the relationship).
I realised that I unconsciously broke him so much that in the end he had to leave. I feel guilty about that and have worked hard on myself since then. So from the moment he left, I 180'd and started working on those behaviours. And I guess it kind of worked because we have been piecing on and off since then.
Admittedly he cycled between being in contact/seeing me/staying over and "caving" when his world becomes very dark. Sometimes when he caves I can let him be (as I know he will contact me when he can) but other times I tumble and cry buckets over being ignored and forgotten.
He moved home Sept 2011 but moved out again early Nov 2011 (I will explain why in another post). I thought we were truly ended that time. I tried time and again to see him after that. He would agree and then back down saying he couldn't handle it. Each time he backed away I fell apart (there's that abandonment button). Eventually in early Dec 2011 he agreed to come over. I pictured us sitting on the couch holding hands and me saying "We have to let each other go now". I worked myself up to be strong enough to say it but when he was supposed to set off he text and said "I'm not coming over. I'm sorry". Well, that gave me the strength I needed to take one shaky step forward into life without him. I went totally dark. 5 days later he tried to get in contact but I didn't reply. It broke my heart to see him trying to reach for me (txt) but I couldn't, I was very sad and hurt. Eventually I gave in (after 11 days of dark) and said I was grieving for a marriage that was over, that I missed the man I had met 12 yrs ago and that I hoped we could support each other through the rest of our separation." He said he was missing me too. I asked him to let me go but he said he couldnt cos it felt wrong. 26 dec I was really missing him and we had a text convo resulting in him asking to call the next day. I said not yet, but soon.
Jan 2012 He gets in touch on NY eve and we start another cycle. Later in the month I get in contact re house maintenance. he comes over. The following w/e we go for a walk. It was a really lovely day together. After that he "caved".
Feb 2012 I had sent him a website link about male depression that sounded like his cave as I was trying to understand where he was at. He recognised and admitted he needed to get help. Unfortunately, I couldn't hold the space for him as his need to "cave" made me feel rejected. So I told him (txt) that I would no longer txt as no reply made me feel bad. I wouldn't call as no ansa crucified me but he could call me day or night and I would be there for him if he needed me when he made an appointment.
But I couldn't hold that boundary for more than 10 days as the abandonment alarm was deafening. There was a bit of txtng and then he sent me roses at work for my birthday (March).
From Feb-June 2012 I started really working on my behaviours and abandonment triggers. I practiced not reacting and sitting with my feelings and horrible rejection thoughts and let them pass through me.
From end of March to mid May we saw each other pretty regularly - he stayed over (looking back this should not happen as quickly as it does - or he should stay in spare room).
May 2012 Random caving from him, the cause was eventually found to be a guys weekend was planned end of May and he felt bad about it and telling me. The only bad thing in my eyes was not telling me til the last minute. We made up, planned to go away for a long w/e the following week and he promised to inform me as soon as something was being planned so that he didnt feel conflicted- I have underlined this as it is important to where we are now.
June 2012 We went away together first weekend and had a lovely close time but after that He "caved" and pushed me away alot and he "didnt know why" (his words). We saw each other once mid/late June. Throughout June my "blinkers" were slowly falling away. I realised that H was no longer who I had fallen in love with and that I couldn't have R with this person as it hurt me too much.
July 2012 I went to see family for a few days. While away he text and confessed that while the guys had been together in May. He had booked a sailing trip and had been too cowardly to tell me. I didn't react even tho this was the very thing we had spoken about the w/e that he booked that flight.
I sat with the info for a while and then responded that he could tell me all about it when I was back. He picked me up at the airport and we talked when we got home. His trip was mid August for 2.5wks and yes he wanted to still go away for our anniversary (the coming w/e). I reacted this time (2.5wks? - last year it had been 1.5wks - esp as he only gets leave in August and that meant no time for us) and he said he couldnt handle my upset (I was crying). I said he had done this to me. He said he knew and that he was the problem. I asked what are you going to do about it? He said he didnt know. I said what about our w/e trip. He said he didnt know now. I said if we didnt go away then we were truly over.
On the day at the time he was supposed to pick me up. He text "I'm sorry"
I went dark. I did admin emails only. We had a couple of friendly txts (the way the cycle always starts. I asked to see him, he said no). I got stronger. I got legal advice. My self respect grew. I didn't want it to end this way but I needed to give myself some space.
AUGUST 2012 The w/e before his trip he txt asked to come over as he needed to borrow satnav for trip. I felt strong enough to see him. he said he wanted to make things right between us & that we couldn't do that living apart (i'd said that for months). I wasn't sure I could trust him with my feelings again. He said he would have to prove himself. He called me each night before he went sailing (3wks not 2.5). The first week I was pretty detached still and didn't think I wanted to fix our R as it might mean getting back on the ride. Whilst away he text most days and I got used to it, fell into a virtual R again and started thinking maybe...but then it stopped for 3 days and my abandonment button went off and one day I really hailed a number of horrible texts. He text me everyday after that.
SEPT 2012 He returned this Tues, text me on arrival but since then nothing. My alarm was ringing loudly. Weds I called (no ansa) so text - I had done some thinking and I would like to work with him to make things right and if he still felt the same would he ring me. Thurs - nothing - I called and left a voicemail - ILY but I can't do this anymore. I am letting you go.
That is where I am now. I know I can not continue on this cycling roller coaster. I am going to do battle with the need to reach for him. I know when I take control, I feel calm as I do not expect texts so do not set him up to fail and me to feel bad.
SUMMARY There is no OW just a very broken husband (childhood issues, depressed, avoidant) and a wife who has become broken via this situation. I really want to save my marriage but I recognise we can not do that until he deals with his childhood issues / avoidant cycling and my abandonment alarm's battery dies.
Thanks for reading
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding the cycling roller coaster
