I'd like to share with you something that my W told me last week. When she all hurting, confused and gave me the "not in love with you" speech, and I flipped out, pleading, clinging, angry, etc...it scared her, a lot. She had thought all these years that I was strong enough to handle anything, that I could adapt to whatever life threw at me/us/our family...when I didn't adapt/handle/whatever her crisis well, her security was yanked out, her faith in me/us questioned. The more I pursued, the worse it got, the more scared, etc., she became.
Then all the anger at her father, life, childhood, everything negative in our whole marriage got directed at me...and justified what she was doing in her mind.
Lucky for you, your W isnt in mlc crazy land, your W is rational.
Lucky for me, I figured out my sh!t and backed off and figured out what kind of man/husband/father I was going to be, and that, yes, I did have it in me to get through anything and did not "need" W...as much as I want(ed) W, so I could hold myself strong and be the rock, the lighthouse.
I hope that helps clarify some of my points above, PW.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It is so weird. I am not an emotional person. In almost all my interpersonal relationships I could really give a sh!t what a person does, or how they move into our out of my life. I'm a cool customer. See ya when I see ya. Get over it or don't. Makes no difference to me. I'll get along just fine. But with this chick... in this situation...uggg. I'm holding on to something that is no longer real. A better time. Memories. The past. It is a pipe dream.
I was excited to see some movement. Some warming. I saw it. And I could not hold my bluff.
I am rational. I know that even if she comes back... I may not be fulfilled. I am putting real work into this. I want to treat her how she wants to be treated. Love her how she wants to be loved. Fill the voids that I left vacant. But what if she does not do the same in return. There is certainly no sign of that now. I won't stand for that.
Love, real love, is given. Freely. With no expectations. I get that. And agree with it. But we all have needs. Recieving the gift of love being one of them.
Here is reality.
I have a wife who left me. Does not love me. Doesn't care what I do, or who I "do it" with. Asked me to sell our home, put my career on hold, and move 800 miles. So she could double her salary while I cut mine in half. Soon after she said ILYBNILWY, and snuck around with OM. Doesn't really matter if "nothing happened" or not. She tried to hide it. That is telling enough.
She has done me dirty. No doubt.
Why should I desire a person who would do that?
Have I lowered my self-worth?
Maybe so.
That is the past. Over. Done with. Kaput.
I would like to think I am standing for something though.
That I am doing the right thing.
That here and now, I am a better person.
That this pain was worth the self-growth.
That this loneliness was needed for inner reflection.
That I will be ok, I am ok, no matter what.
I will continue to love her, unconditionaly. To honor the for better or worse.
Not in hopes of manipulation. But because it is who I am.
Sorry for the rant. I did not expect to go that route when I started the post.
It is so weird. I am not an emotional person. In almost all my interpersonal relationships I could really give a sh!t what a person does, or how they move into our out of my life. I'm a cool customer. See ya when I see ya. Get over it or don't. Makes no difference to me. I'll get along just fine. But with this chick... in this situation...uggg.
ohhh...I hear ya...I am same with my W. Don't know what it is, only that it is.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I think in my rant I was trying to talk myself into sitting my butt back down at the picnic basket. Maybe I took the wrong angle. I just needed to get back centered. I feel better.
I will take that analogy and keep it in mind. I like it alot.
Not much time to post tonite. Gottta work on a project.
I hope your sitch is going well. I'm excited to read your next update.
If I understand what you meant by that, then when you are not bluffing anymore, basically "yes, I want W, but if I don't have/get W now, that's okay, no big deal, MY world will not end", then you will be approaching where you need to be.
I know, easier said than done. oh, I know...
I thought of the movie "There's Something About Mary", and how before his date with Mary, the guy's friend advised him to "take care of his own needs" before the date, so that he would be using the "correct" brain and not ruin the date because he had s3x mode going...maybe try that before next dinner with W and S so you have an easier time of keeping to your plan??? I cannot verify if it works or not, I may or may not have tried it... lol ...
Do something awesome for you (and S if you have him this weekend)!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
In your "vent" you touched on your anger, which is good. I reckon this is a different anger than the initial anger you felt...use this anger in a constructive way, not as a means to resentment and bitterness (DO NOT allow those evil twins to fester)...but rather to
Take her off the pedestal you maybe put her on.
You know your contributions to the M issues, and you know hers...that she chose (POORLY) to leave rather than seek MC or IC says something about her...no?
Feel the anger, feel THROUGH it, then let it go....for YOU and S...then for her.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
